We are not friends

[Sunshineandreign]

Long story but could really do with advice.

stbexh had an affair over two years made me think I was crazy and incompetent, sat through counselling where counsellor was led to believe it was all in my head reinforcing the idea that he was a victim and I needed to work hard to meet his needs which I stupidly tried to do.

Eventually hard evidence came to light. I spoke to ow found out exactly what a manipulative and accomplished liar he was but was so far gone that I said I'd forgive him to make marriage work for kids etc.
He initially agreed then became very withdrawn and angry then left anyway.

Fast forward 4 months. He only sees kids every other weekend with no contact between. I'm feeling stronger and happier.

He misses two visits so I ring him to highlight the impact this has on kids.

obviously his lack of contact is all my fault because I've said I didn't want him calling my mobile that he can call kids on landline while I'm at work and they are with after school babysitter. Thus isn't acceptable to him because he can only make free calls via Wi-Fi through what's app so I agree to let him call my mobile and face time etc with them when I'm home.

He now calls every day asking when I'm getting home so he can call kids, why I didn't inform him I took them the dentist etc. Telling kids that me and him are friends.

Kids are now upset because they want me to explain why if mummy and daddy are friends I won't join in facetime with them etc. I havent seen him and do not wish to.

I've told them we aren't which has led to hysterics out of the blue about Christmas not being shared and us not spending birthdays together etc. Even though we had a fantastic relaxed Christmas without him this year.

If you've made it this far thank you.

My question is am I right to be saying mummy and daddy are not friends or do I go along with what he's telling them. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel so stressed out like he's taking over my life and encroaching on my safe space at home and kids are acting out after having been so settled.

I’m sorry I have no advice for you but didn’t want to read and run. I’d like to think that if my hubby and I broke up we would try to remain friends for the sake of the kids. BUT, after what your ex put you through, I’d find it VERY difficult to even look at him.

I’d maybe say - that daddy did something unkind to you and you don’t want to be friends anymore. However, daddy still loves you very much and it’s ok for you and daddy to be close even though we aren’t.

What a dick! 🌸

I’m sure someone will come along soon to give you more sage advice xx

I’d get a phone especially for contact.

Don’t feel pressured to FaceTime. He’s not your friend he’s the children’s father. I think something along the lines of the previous poster - telling the children both of you love them very muchand that it’s ok for them to love their dad but there’s some grown up stuff gone on and mum and dad find it hard to be friends right now.

I have explained to my dcs that I don't like my ex and we are NOT friends. We had a long chat about it and we explored their friendships and and friends that they've fallen out with and no longer talk to or hang out with.

I will say it's a difficult subject to tackle because we bring kids up with a notion of unconditional love towards parents.

I added that even though I don't like (can't fucking stand tbh) my X, I won't get in the way of them having a relationship as it's their choice. But Ive tried to put it in terms the dcs understand.

So to answer your question yes, tell the mummy & daddy aren't friends.

Just to add - I got my child a phone (possibly mine is older than yours) so that they and their dad could keep in touch without having to bother me. Extended paternal family could also get in touch if they wanted and not have to go through big bad bitch.

Ex even offered to pay for half the contract but not saw a penny of that!

I wouldn't tell them you are not friends. I would force yourself to say a quick, light hi and then explain to the children that it's their private time with their father and you'll be getting on with other things.

Gloss over it if you must (Crowdo's suggestion is very tactful), and definitely don't go into details, but never lie to them. They won't thank you for it in the long run.

Get a phone for him to facetime on where you are not there give him the number

For the kids it’s very much still in the early days; they’d probably be having these upsets even if you and your ex got on well.
I do think for the sake of the kids you should agree that you are friends because you love them both and want the best for them but explain that not all friends FaceTime or spend time together.
I’d also put some boundaries in about how often he’s calling; a couple of times a week at a certain time is fine in my opinion. If he calls before that time don’t answer; would you find it easier if he emailed about anything related to the kids? Then you can deal with it in your own time.

So it's all your fault that he is unwilling to pay to rind a landline and li to his kids. Diddums.

Right, he's continuing to be an abusive arse.

Get a phone just for contact with DC and child admin messages. Block him from yours.

Only respond to messages that are about the DC - email/text only, so you have thinking time and a record of what was said. If he tries to catch you into a conversation, cut it off - 'sorry, can't attend to that now, put it in an email'

You must have told the DC something when he left. Keep telling them exactly the same thing "Daddy and I are no longer together, but he loves you very much, and these calls are for you and him". Your DC are too young to explain that it was because of an affair, so you're just going to have to be really steady on whatever you have told them, stay really calm and just refuse to join in.

He is the one who is being the manipulative shit here. It really is very low to use the DC like this, so it is possible that he's just fudged a direct question from the DC and they have over-interpreted the answer. Hichever reason it is, you have to behave impeccably, and keep your distance from him

My guess is that it'll either settle into calls which are unexceptional and so you cease to notice them. Or if his aim was to get at you, and he finds he can't, then they'll tail off. Both those scenarios are OK.

Tell him he can buy them an iPad for facetime if he wants to.

Don't tell them you're friends, stick to what you've said or it'll confuse them. How old are they?

I agree, cheap pay as you go phone, leave it at home so it runs off WiFi only and he can ring them there (so no different to the landline in essence) and won't incur any data charges.

Definitely tell them you aren't friends, you won't be able to hide it ultimately so don't lie, even if it is well meaning, it will only cause confusion in the long run.

Depending on the age of your kids, I'd tell them a bit more of why you split and why you aren't friends.

Not details...but just something like he broke a big promise you both made to each other when you got married OR that although you both love them very much, some grown up stuff happened and he did something that hurt you, so you he isn't your friend anymore.

It's fine to tell them when they are older you can explain better, but don't want to confuse them.

He is tight ad a pig's ass not wanting to spend money on a phonecall.

Thank you for the advice.
I am going to follow disneyspendingmoney example and discuss broken friendships in the context of school and reiterate we are not friends. It was my original thought, but wondered what was best.

Unfortunately my 8 year old (oldest) knows about the other woman as he overheard us arguing when I found out.
Ex blamed the ow in full and me for the affair so kids hate her having overhesrd and he won't take them near her.

AuntieStella I hope you are right and it just settles down. I was half way through writing an email asking him to restrict calls to when I'm not there as originally agreed, but I think I will try just letting it role on and hope it just reduces on its own rather than end up being accused of stopping him fro. Speaking to them.

Police in Scotland are hearing about similar conduct when receiving training on coercive control.

How dare he call you and ask when you're home - he's behaving atrociously.

I know that's not what you're asking about but you don't have to accommodate his request for WiFi only calls especially if it is being used to upset your children.
He's put you in a difficult position here.
Thankfully there's lots of good advice on how to play things.

Well if your oldest already knows...it's out of the bag. You can tell him that's why you aren't friends anymore.

With the younger ones... that you've fallen out...but mummy and daddy will always love them.

Stop letting stbxh control you with his phonecalls and messages.

A cheap PAYG phone is the number to give him and block him from your other phone. If he uses any other number to message you, don't respond and block it.

Don't pick up calls from unknown or withheld numbers.

Facetime from a tablet.

I would stick to the truth. Even with the younger ones.

Don’t answer any calls from him or any questions. Friend is going through something similar and has had to have it explained to her in a dv meeting that despite having an injunction on him he is still controlling her through the children.

I've got two phones and two contracts going at the moment, I was going to cancel the old one but I'm actually finding it really peaceful to only think about contact from ex when I choose to look at the old phone, as he doesn't have my new number.

I have to say from my own personal experience and from what I've read extensively on MN and other places, us that NRP X's just don't get how to be reasonable and how to parent.

I'm a single dad with full custody and my X behaves just like all the stereotypes of a crap NRP. Expects me to drop everything, hand over the dcs at inconvenient times. Rings up inappropriatly,like early hours of the morning and won't do Simone things line informing me if a change if address or where the DC's are being taken. Bog standard simple safeguarding rulesine where the dcs will be during contact are ignored

I don't get it, it's like self centered narcissism trump's any sensible parenting. and it makes things harder.

I also used the approach that we love the dcs seperatly and in our own different ways much in the way that DC's like different things and that we have seperate friends and much in the same way that dc1 doesn't have to like dc2s friends and vice-versa

Most contracts (even sim only) will give you a good deal on free minutes to landlines - mine are unlimited, so are texts (plus a load of data) and I pay £15 a month. So that just sounds like him being a controlling arse. It’s not your problem to sort out.

If he wants to FaceTime to see the kids, he should pay for an extra phone to do this on.

I think you need to get very firm with him. You feel better for being out of contact and you need to maintain this.

Re kids, I would explain that you and their dad respect each other but won’t be hanging out on birthdays, at Christmas etc for a while. That sometimes people need some time apart. That it doesn’t mean you don’t love them to bits and that you will make sure you have lovely times together, just separately.

he can only make free calls via Wi-Fi through what's app

What rubbish... So he couldn’t make one 10p phone call to say he wasn’t coming? Not even from his office / a mates phone or a pay phone????
I call total bullshit on this.

Honestly, let him top up his phone with £10 PM and phone the kids or if you have Skype on a home PC/laptop let him use that.
Mummy and daddy are not friends because daddy (while he loves the kids) wasn’t kind to mummy.

Stop letting him creep back in and wreck with your head

When my ex had an affair my 6 year old (5 at the time) kept asking why he didn't live with us anymore and why I didn't have him over for dinner etc. In the end I told him I couldn't be friends with him at the moment because he had taken my sweets and eaten them all without asking - he seemed to accept that answer as he would be very upset if a friend did that to him. Yes it was a fib, but he wanted an answer and he was too young for the truth.