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Relationships

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Original poster

Marriage-Why did YOU do it?

44 replies

Ella1980 · 23/02/2019 02:40

My fiance is keener on the idea in the main than me. We have both been married before-my divorce acrimonious, his far less so.

I guess I'm questioning the point of it if I'm totally honest? We both don't have money or savings so it's not financial. We don't have children together (I have two from my first marriage) and very unlikely we will have any in the future.

What were the main reasons you chose to get married. Are these the same now? Would you do the same again?

OP posts:

Grobagsforever · 23/02/2019 07:42

Because he was terminally ill and I was pregnant with our second child. I wouldn't have been able to register her as his or make decisions about the funeral etc. Also it was easier than getting a solicitor in to do a will.

I'll never do it again as I fundamentally disagree with marriage and see it largely as an unhealthy blend of religion and state which exists mainly to control women. But it was necessary at the time. And an ICU wedding only costs 27 pounds..

user1493413286 · 23/02/2019 07:43

I wanted the connectedness that comes from marriage for me. I’m not saying that it doesn’t in a long term relationship but for me it was important. Also for our DD I felt like I wanted us to be married.
However I do see your point as I’ve always felt that if me and DH divorced I probably wouldn’t get married again as I would have lost faith in the concept of marriage

EvaHarknessRose · 23/02/2019 07:46

At the time, the romantic ideal.

It might be an idea a few years down the line for next of kin and ease or finances if you are going to grow old together.

Thurlow · 23/02/2019 07:47

17 years, 2 kids and a mortgage before we got married, and that was only to tie up the legalities - basically I was worried that we just need to get everything in order. Had a five minute ceremony with our neighbours as witnesses and most people don't know that we are married.

CountessVonBoobs · 23/02/2019 07:56

In my case, because I wanted, and so did he, the principle of lifelong partnership - shared assets, shared mortgage, and children. Both of us did see it as having a love aspect too, and even if you aren't religious there's something solemn and serious about making those commitments publicly. Now that I have kids and am older, I also value the legal aspects more.

But if I found myself single somehow and had a new relationship, I'm not sure at all I'd want to do it again - the traditional situation of my first marriage would no longer be an option and protecting my existing kids would be a priority.

Cremeeggsareforever · 23/02/2019 08:19

Because we wanted to be a family unit in terms of law and last name.
We wanted security for any children we would have.
Mainly because we can't see ourselves being without each other.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/02/2019 11:21

Thanks so much all for your thoughts. A lot of reasons some have married don't apply to us-financial, children with the same last name (I've reverted back to my maiden name), having children together.

My fiance is far more traditional than I am and says for him marriage is about making a public commitment that you want to be together forever. But I think you can make that commitment without a wedding? And anyway, my argument is my ex made that public commitment and what did it actually matter ten years on?

We don't have much money at all between us and so although any celebrations would be very low-key they will still cost money we haven't really got?

OP posts:

mizu · 23/02/2019 11:33

16 years ago I got a teaching job in Oman. Couldn't have gone with then partner without us being married. So, we got married super fast!

DH is Muslim so I guess we would've got married at some point anyway but just not so soon.

Robin2323 · 23/02/2019 14:34

Ok
I'd had been married before and was just like you op.
Just couldn't see the point.

Any way our son got ill - he was 2 yrs old and in Hospital.

And it was then I knew I was ready

Dh had been ready 3 years lol

Son got better - we got married and instantly it felt right.

Robin2323 · 23/02/2019 14:35

Also been married 20 years and love each other more than I thought possible.

Glad I got married x

KanielOutis · 23/02/2019 18:53

I married second DH because we agreed that he would be SAHD to a disabled child and I wanted to give him the same security and protection so many women on here are told to get.

importantkath · 23/02/2019 18:55

We married because we love each other. Felt to say DH and DW was more of a statement to the world about our commitment that DP or DGF/DBF.

I love being married (16 years and counting)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2019 19:00

But this man is not your ex so you are doing this person really a disservice here. You can make a commitment to each other without a wedding but the law will still treat you as two people who are unrelated to each other. If either of you were to die unexpectedly what would happen to the other party, have you considered that?

You do not need much money to get married either.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/02/2019 19:55

If either us were to die unexpectedly neither of us have any money anyway! We rent our house so not sure if being married would be of benefit financially?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2019 20:22

People say they do not have any money but there are monetary assets that both of you may have like a bank account, a pension, savings accounts. There is a rental agreement also in place here. If you have not already done so I would seek legal advice from a solicitor with reference to will planning ASAP .

happymummy12345 · 23/02/2019 20:30

For us it was because we love the idea of marriage. Saying vows and putting a ring on each other's finger.
It was nothing to do with security or money, it was about telling and showing each other and our families and friends how much we love each other. I've always felt marriage is more than rings vows and a piece of paper, it's what the rings and vows and that piece of paper MEAN to us.
Fair enough not everyone wants it and I'm not saying anyone needs to be married to show they love someone, but for us it was important and it meant the world to us, being able to say we are married, mr and Mrs, husband and wife, me taking my husbands name, feeling more like a family unit.

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/02/2019 21:03

We don't have any savings. Neither of us have wills as we don't have any money apart from that in our current accounts. If anything was to happen to me my ex would automatically get full custody. I know he wouldn't allow my fiance or parents access that's for sure!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ella1980 · 23/02/2019 21:07

No plans to ditch my maiden name either-I'd double barrel 😊

OP posts:

Winebottle · 23/02/2019 21:31

For me, the public commitment part matters.

It was about promising each other you will be there forever. Yes things may go wrong but you are showing you mean it by taking a serious step.

Telling each other you want to be with each other forever in your bedroom is cheap and easily backtracked on when the going gets tough without any social or financial consequences.

Vowing to be together for life and putting our money where our mouth was brought a great sense of unity. I think about want is best for us as a family rather than just for me. I'd be uncomfortable doing that if my partner hadn't given an assurance that they won't leave tomorrow.

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