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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner with PTSD spending nights in hotels

18 replies

LifeCasting · 22/02/2019 23:13

I kind of understand it. But kind of don’t.

He has 2 “homes”. One he let’s out via Air BnB. We use it when it’s not let.

The other needs doing up. Is habitable but has things needing attention (think caravan).

I gave my kids every other week. He will not plan it, but usually ends up staying in a hotel on first night of my having kids, giving a migraine as an excuse, or the snow, or some other plausible reason.

A lot of childhood trauma, parents died when he was young, plus an adult thing which led to PTSD.

He wants us to live together. I feel I can’t while my kids are dependent on me. But how would I, anyway?

Does anyone else have a partner like this? I would like to understand him more.

OP posts:

Original poster

LifeCasting · 22/02/2019 23:14

(I have, not “ gave”!)

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers21 · 22/02/2019 23:21

has he had counselling? my boyfriend has ptsd stemming from childhood trauma and counselling made the world of difference.

Original poster

LifeCasting · 22/02/2019 23:24

Hi, thanks for replying.
He did have done to tackle the recent issue but not for the childhood stuff. He’s off ADs now which has been a massive help. I gently suggested counselling earlier... it’s so marked but I don’t think I can tell him, he needs to see it for himself.

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/02/2019 23:31

I have PTSD. I really struggle with noise and overstimulation. DP and I have four children and I really struggle sometimes when they are all around, even though I love them dearly. It could be his way of coping?

sunshineandshowers21 · 22/02/2019 23:32

i understand how hard it is to connect with someone with ptsd when you can’t even begin to imagine the trauma that they went through. i hate hearing my boyfriend talk about what happened to him and i do get upset but then i feel guilty because it actually happened to him and he has to live with that being in his head all the time. counselling definitely has helped him with coming to terms with what happened. my boyfriend also does a lot of running if he feels unable to cope which he says distracts him from his thoughts and allows him to focus on something else.

Original poster

LifeCasting · 22/02/2019 23:38

Thank you so much, both of you.
Yes, you’re right - I guess this is what I wanted - reassurance that it’s his way of coping, rather than “me” IYSWIM.... we texted earlier & he said it was good to feel I was listening rather than judging. It is hard not to take some of it personally.

Exactly what you say about feeling the guilt for them. I can cope with this, but then I can’t work out if the hotel part of it will linger. He is desperate for us to set up home together but it feels rushed and I have drawn strict boundaries. So his hotel behaviour then feels like he is punishing me, even though it’s for his own preservation.

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KennyCalmIt · 23/02/2019 00:46

Why don’t you just talk to him about it?

I don’t mean texting. I mean talking...

Original poster

LifeCasting · 23/02/2019 03:09

Thanks, Kenny. We do talk but as I said, he was suffering a migraine last night and sleeping it off.

Not sure why it needs a I wanted wanted some other perspectives.

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Original poster

LifeCasting · 23/02/2019 07:43

Does anyone else have s partner with PTSD/complex PTSD who does this? Or who could share advice?

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LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 07:54

I’m not sure why it bothers you where he sleeps when he’s not with you? So he prefers to be in a hotel rather than the caravan place you said needs doing up?
If that’s correct I don’t think that’s got anything to do with PTSD.

LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 07:56

Ps - I had C-PTSD for almost all my life, just been given the all clear from psychological services and released from their care as free of symptoms.
I just think the two issues are being confused

Original poster

LifeCasting · 23/02/2019 08:01

Every time it has happened he has linked it to a symptom to do with PTSD.

Maybe I am wrong but I’d say it’s part and parcel of being concerned about him. Or maybe I shouldn’t be so bothered. Of course he can spend his time wherever he likes (his caravan place is habitable) but the pattern of how it happens is worrying, and would be helpful for me to share with others about how best to support a partner like this.

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Original poster

LifeCasting · 23/02/2019 08:03

Just saw your second post - thanks Lula and glad you’ve had the all-clear, that’s fantastic. He said to me after my post that he thinks he will seek help via counselling. He’s had some in the past but it was to address one aspect and not the deeper rooted issues.

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LuluBellaBlue · 23/02/2019 08:09

Ah ok, sorry I didn’t realise that HE was making the link between the hotel stays and the PTSD.
Maybe he feels safe there? There could be something in that......
it’s a horrific thing to live with, both the person and those they live with.
I’d recommend he gets help ASAP and the more you can both talk about it to understand what triggers him, what helps him etc the better.

Porpoises · 23/02/2019 08:13

Hi op, I have cptsd.

I think your instinct is right to take things slow. Being around children can trigger really difficult memories for someone who had a traumatic childhood.

I recommend he looks for trauma-focused counseling, maybe EMDR. I highly recommend the book "The body keeps the score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It's not an easy read, because it talks about upsetting things in a very dry language, but it's very insightful and week researched. I also really liked Mindsight by Dan Siegel, it's not specific to cptsd but is about how you can heal the brain.

Original poster

LifeCasting · 23/02/2019 08:13

Yes that’s exactly it, he is the one making that link. St the start of our relationship it used to confuse me, but I can see now that he is finding safety in these hotels. Thanks, Lula, I hadn’t thought of that before. Weird how something can be so obvious to others...

When we are together he loves it if I “make home” for us wherever we are- dinners in, candles, a sense of order. I think it’s something to do with losing his home life early on. The hotel stays are almost always on night 1 of our being apart. It makes me feel pressured and guilty about being in my comfy home etc but we can’t live together just because of this.

That’s a lot clearer now...

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Porpoises · 23/02/2019 08:14

*well not week

Original poster

LifeCasting · 23/02/2019 08:22

Porpoises, thank you very much. I picked up The Body Keeps The Score just recently as partner has a copy of it, and it was quite tough going but an excellent source of info. He has mentioned EMDR as therapy so hopefully he will do that. I’m not going to pressurise him about it.

Yes, he has a delicate link with my DCs and tends to smother them with love - all very sweet and generous and they don’t get it, but I can see why. I’ve found it best to keep the two things separate for now. That’s a very helpful point about my DCs and family life.

I will get the Siegel book as that sounds very helpful, too. Thanks for help.

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