Resentment against my dad, and my mum for staying

[Louise782]

When I was 2 and my brother was a baby my dad stopped coming home straight after work and instead would get really drunk and come home late at night. My mum put up with this.

When I was 7 and my dad lost his job he plunged us into debt because he would still continue to drink in pubs. My mum used to hide bank cards in my underwear draw so he wouldn’t know where they were.

When he was supposed to be attending a course to retrain when I was 14, the course co-ordinator phoned my house. It was my mum who answered and the guy asked my mum is my dad intended to no longer attend as he hadn’t been for a number of weeks. This was news to my mum as my dad had been “attending” the course and claimed to have been there at the time of the phone call. He later admitted he had been going to the pub.

In my teens my dad would get really drunk at the weekends. He would binge drink and then go on the computer and blare music and make loads of noise. If you asked him to turn it down he would get angry.

When I was 17 I went on the family computer to print some homework. It was on the screensaver. When I clicked off it it opened onto MSN conversations which were sexual in natural. I clicked on the associated email and discovered possibly hundreds of emails with my dads name. He had been engaging in sexual email correspondence with real people and also signed up to dozens of dating websites including cross-dressing, submissive and dominating, and swingers. I fell apart. I had an exam the next day. I told my mum. My dad denies it all came up with a bizarre story about how it wasn’t him and my mum believed it. A few years later she found some stuff and discovered it was him and he was still doing it. She stayed with him. She always stays with him.

My mum is a lovely woman. She has only ever been with my dad. Met at 20. She is sweet natured and the kind of person that just goes with the flow. She is totally co-dependent on my dad and appears to have anxiety which I think makes her believe she needs him.

My dad has a very short fuse and is easily angered but has never been violent. You have to watch what you say to him though.

I don’t know what I want to ask really. I have just never said all of this to anyone in real life before.

I’m sure you will have better advice soon, but I want to give you and a big hug. You have been brave to share this. Poor you. What a shitty father he turned out to be. Not only an alcoholic, but a liar and all the rest.

You’ve done well, OP. You are in a safe place now and I hope you are able to work through this past pain.

I'm so sorry you didn't have the parents you deserved and I am sure I speak for everyone here when I say I am glad you were able to write it down. I bet there's a weeks worth of horrible memories of crap like this you could type out.

Do you still live at home or are you independent now?

Well done on getting that out OP, I bet it wasn't easy but felt good. I'm sorry your parents didn't nurture you as they should. You don't say how old you are or what stage in life but you seem to see what happened very clearly, which can only help.
If you want to talk more, there are many here that will listen but you might also want to find real life counselling.
Well done in coming through that!

I'm sorry you went through that and lived in such an environment. Dad a disappointment and mum being a doormat.

I hope women in your mums situation will read this and realise the impact this has on their children.

The key is empowering yourself as a woman.
Dependency situations give rise to contempt.

I've met several married men with financially dependant wives (not SAHMs as kids are older), who are so resentful, but they grit their teeth and stay put.

Several end up having affairs with high flying career women... totally opposite to their wives.

I could have written this about my father. My parents are both in their 70’s now and are locked in an utterly codependent relationship that is just as toxic as it was 40 years ago. I’ve accepted them for what they are and try to live my life as best I can.

Your father is a 'bad nut' and your mother is weak. Probably irreparably damaged from the abuse. I'd add that your father has an alcohol problem and nothing is as important to an alcoholic as drinking. You fight a losing battle with an alcoholic who won't get help.

My parents were codependent. My mother has alcohol problems and has a personality disorder (brought on by her own childhood). My father was violent towards her but in my mind he was provoked many many times by living with someone so intolerable. But still, he never left. I grew up in a toxic home.

This is very common. More common than you think and it goes on because of secrecy.

I have had therapy. It isn't a cure all but it has helped. I don't hate my parents. My dad is dead now but my mother is now old and living with her choices.

The important thing for you is how you can process your past and move forward.