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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship advice please

21 replies

Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 22:22

I’m confused and upset. My partner and I have been together for 4.5 years and we have a two year old child together.
My partner gets very low and then pics a fight with me, behaves unreasonably and leaves me to look after our child alone whilst he either shuts himself in the bedroom for days or goes out a lot and generally avoids me. Then when I try to talk to him he winds me up, tries to blame me for his behaviour and I get upset. I end up shouting at him and crying alone in the bathroom. I know that I should just leave it alone but I just so desperately want to sort things out and restore the peace for all of our sakes.
Tonight, after he wound me up and I was upset, he started to record me on his phone. He had just implied that I should get used to looking after our child alone and when I asked what exactly he was hoping to achieve by treating me like this he said, amongst other things that he does not love “this version” of me and also “nobody is keeping me here” and “don’t let the door hit you on the way out”.
I am so, so lost and upset. If I leave then I will have to let him have access to our child alone, the longest he has cared for the little one is 3 hours and he has never done any overnight parenting... he gets annoyed at the little one being noisy and jumping, normal toddler behaviour. I don’t want my little one to be away from me and that is what has stopped me leaving in the past.
I’m really looking for advice here, thanks for reading if you have made it this far.

OP posts:
fblake · 22/02/2019 22:43

Hi. I'm so sorry to read what you're going through. Have you got any one who can look after your little one so you can both have some childfree time together to talk things through? x

Latte75 · 22/02/2019 22:48

It sounds like he maybe very unhappy. However it doesn't mean you are the cause as lots of things can cause his and he is just taking it out on you. However how you feel about the relationship is important do you want to save it? Could you consider couples counselling to talk through your issues? If you do end up going separate ways he will learn to parent even if it does take time. My ex took his time and hadn't done it whilst we were married but he did get there in the end. If you had serious concerns about your child's safety then he wouldn't need to take them for long periods unsupervised either. It sounds like you need to consider what you want first and then deal with the other questions. I wish you lots of luck.

Original poster
Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 22:50

Thanks for your reply. We don’t really have anyone who could look after our child unfortunately. We will have to try and talk when the little one is asleep, I always end up having to apologise for getting upset and the root issues and causes never get discussed. He refuses to discuss his mental health with me and always tried to blame me for everything.
It had been really hard, these last two years!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/02/2019 22:50

You couldn't leave on your own, obviously. You'd have to take dc with you. Have you not got parents who can help? Otherwise, depending on finances, you could just arrange to rent privately - not just leave with nowhere to go. It sounds as though your partner has had enough of the relationship. He's certainly not making any effort to support it or improve it. I can't see it lasting long term.

HappyLife21 · 22/02/2019 22:50

Do you think he would be that bothered about seeing the child of you split?

Original poster
Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 22:52

Thanks for your reply latte75.
It’s very good advice to deal with one thing at a time. I’ve tried to get him to agree to counselling before, unsuccessfully, but I will try again!

OP posts:
youaremyrain · 22/02/2019 22:56

You can't talk to him, you can't reason with him he's abusive. He was deliberately emotionally cruel to you and filmed your distress - it takes a certain type of person to do that. A loving partner would never consider it no matter how depressed they were or how much they needed to talk.

Your only reason to stay with him is because you don't trust him alone with your child. This is heartbreaking but it's no reason to stay with him. Try to get evidence of his behaviour towards you and and child then hopefully he might only get supervised contact.

He sounds really nasty

youaremyrain · 22/02/2019 22:57

Counselling doesn't work with abusers either

Original poster
Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 22:58

Singlenotsingle I do have family but no one I could stay with for more than a few days so I would definitely have to rent somewhere and apply for council housing for the longer term.
Of course I would take my child with me!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 22/02/2019 23:00

He sounds abusive.
Please read these signs of emotional abuse and see if he does (m)any of them. You might also find that the abuser profiles ring some bells.

Couple's counselling is not recommended when there is abuse. I suggest that you get individual counselling for yourself; you could start by asking your GP.

What is your work, financial and housing situation? Do you work atm or are you a SAHM? Joint finances or separate? Mortgage or rented home, in joint names or just one?

AnotherEmma · 22/02/2019 23:00

Cross posts with youaremyrain

Original poster
Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 23:22

Youaremyrain thank you for your words, I have often wondered if what he does and says during arguments is some kind of abuse... I stupidly went to try and apologise for getting upset and he was filming me again, refusing to put the phone down. Saying he is protecting himself from me! Then blaming me for upsetting myself and being so unreasonable.
I just feel so very hurt and confused. I love this man but I really cannot continue to be treated like this.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 22/02/2019 23:38

Please leave, you can't live like that. Xx

pog100 · 22/02/2019 23:43

He is absolutely and clearly abusing you. No normal partner would treat you like this. You will not be able to change him, this is how he is. You need to plan to leave him ASAP. Access to your child will work itself out, if he can even be arsed.

Original poster
Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 23:49

AnotherEmma thank you for your message and the links... I’ve just been reading up on emotional abuse and I’m shocked! I didn’t realise that aspects of what he’s doing are actually recognised behaviours... it feels so confusing as things are quite good a lot of the time.
Thanks for the other responses too, I’ve certainly got a lot to think about.
I’m scared for my little one’s future, if I leave!

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowoctopus · 22/02/2019 23:52

AnotherEmma, in answer to your questions: he owns this house so if have to leave with our child. I do work but have no savings as I pay quite a lot towards our living expenses. I would have to apply for council housing I think, if I leave. Mostly separate finances and one joint account for food and petrol.

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 22/02/2019 23:57

Bloody hell this is horrendous! He is abusive and you need to leave. Surprised at the first couple of replies suggesting you can talk it through... this is way too awful for a 'conversation'

Latte75 · 23/02/2019 02:28

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/what-is-a-refuge-and-how-can-i-stay-in-one/

Having now read all of the above thread it sounds like the most important thing is to get yourself and your child into a safe situation. None of this is your or your child's fault and you deserve much better than this. Maybe calling women's aid would be a good start if you can?

AnotherEmma · 23/02/2019 07:00

Please call the Women's Aid / Refuge helpline on tel:08082000247. You could also look up your local Women's Aid and call them directly.

Your options for leaving immediately are either a refuge or applying to the council as homeless. If you are not yet ready to leave you could still apply for social housing, this will get you on the register. But you won't be high priority until you decide to end the relationship and leave.

Ideally you should report the abuse to the police. This will mean that you have evidence which you can use to help you get housing and also if you need to go to court to sort out child arrangements further down the line. Police might feel like a big step so if you're not sure you could ask Women's Aid for advice and support in deciding what to do.

Money-wise, after you leave you will be entitled to child maintenance and maybe benefits (depending on your income). There is child maintenance calculator on the cmoptions website and there are various benefits calculators (eg entitledto.co.uk) or you could ask Citizens Advice.

I really hope that you leave soon or start getting support and getting your ducks in a row so that you can. This is no way to live.

Flowers
Original poster
Snowoctopus · 23/02/2019 08:05

Thank you so much! This is all really helpful.

OP posts:
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