If I leave him, I leave everything

[stuckonarock22]

How do you find the courage to leave a relationship when it means starting completely from scratch again?

I've been with DP 3 years – I arrived in a new country and met him shortly after. My intention was only ever to be here a few months. And if I weren't with him, I wouldn't want to stay here.

Our relationship isn't working – we care a lot about one another, but we're just way too different and it's never going to work long-term. He's very logical, stable, very undemonstrative in his affection and introverted – I'm much higher-energy, tactile, and need intellectual challenge, none o which I'm getting from this relationship. He wants to stay in his small town, do the same thing every week, he's quite happy having sex once every couple of months... I need so much more from my life, and from a partner.

I'm miserable in the relationship, but I'm also scared to leave – I've been living in different countries and moving around the world for almost twelve years and have no 'home base' other than here, with him.

But if I broke up with him, this is definitely not the place I'd want to stay. So then it means starting again, from scratch, in another new country where I know nobody and there's no guarantee that'll be somewhere I want to stay, either.

I'm scared to stay and I'm scared to leave... how do you make the break when you've got nowhere else to go?

How old are you?

You go home to parents for a while?

@Surfingtheweb, I'm 33.

@TheOneIssue - I don't have a "parents home" to go to – they're separated, I'm NC with my mother, and my Dad lives in a small 1-bed flat with his partner. No room for more...

Whhe place you were happiest op. Can you go back there and make a life. Your very lucky ,the world is your playground,your as free as a bird .

Or go somewhere new? Where haven't you been? Book a flight and just go..have you friends somewhere you could visit?perhaps for a break to make sure you do want to end your relationship

You've answered your own question. You need to leave. Where is the best place for you to work? I assume you would like to have a base somewhere in the world - have you got the money to buy a flat? If not, maybe plan how you are going to achieve that. All the rest will fall into place.

Time to move on.

Do you have a destination that would be your ideal place to settle? Do you even want to settle somewhere? If you have money i think it's easier to move on, but getting over a break up when you are leaving your entire life, home, job, friends etc I imagine would be quite hard. I'm not sure what to advise you.

God yes get out of this dreary relationship. Sounds like you have 4 options:

Go back to your home country if you want to build relationship with your DF and any old school friends and family.

Stay here and build up your friendship network.

Go back and rekindle friendships to somwhere you loved living.

Decide where you would like to try somewhere new and head off there.

How have relationships and friendships panned our for you - any patterns - strengths / weaknesses etc?

First thing - accept that this is over, and it is time to move on, and to find your happiness and a new life elsewhere.

Once that is settled in your head, you will find it much easier to picture and plan where is next for you.

@snowdrop6 - I know in many ways I'm lucky. My work means I can go anywhere, and I have no family ties. That freedom is unusual, and it's a double-edged sword. It's liberating and it's also lonely.

@DianaT1969 My question wasn't about if I needed to leave - it was about finding the courage to do so, and how to navigate the next steps. I have enough money for a deposit on a property, but don't want to buy a flat somewhere without knowing I want to stay there. The bricks and mortar isn't the issue - it's everything else.

@Surfingtheweb, I want to find 'home', desperately. It just takes so long to settle into a new place, I'm scared of getting it wrong again. And I'm tired of always being the new person in the city, and having to make new friends, and start afresh, over and over again. I really hoped that this place, and this relationship, would mark the end of all of that for me...

@another20 - because I've been in places for only 6-12 months at a time, friendships have usually been transient. Lovely people, but nothing deep and long-lasting. The most meaningful relationships were always with partners rather than friends - one travelled with me for 5 years, another for 2. I struggle to think of anywhere where the 'friends' there would draw me back - many of them have also moved on by now.

@Luckingfovely, maybe you're right. Maybe the first step is just to end the relationship, move out of our shared home and into a new place here, and then tackle the question of where to go next later...

Op...I moved around as a child a lot...to the end result that no where feels like home .ive lived in my house a long time now,but I could walk away in a heartbeat and not look back..I don't because of my kids.ive not moved to give them a stability I never had.
My parents divorced ,re married ,and both moved lots .i flitted between living with them,a few years with one ,then back ,and so on.ive lived all over..each time I moved on I left all my friends behind .my children have forced me to stay in one place to give them stability .other wise you'd of probably passed me somewhere or other .
So no where feels like home..I'm married but I could walk tomorrow,coz I'm so used to up and leaving.and always when things got difficult,I just upped and left.
I'm not sure what the magic key is to feeling at home.i wish I knew.i wish you luck thou x

Snowdrop - you get it, then. Thank you for sharing, and for your wishes of good luck! I thought that if I just stayed in one place for long enough, 'home' would just develop around me... now I think I'm starting to see that I pinned that feeling more on my relationship than the place...

tbh, your post really does answer your question. There is nothing for you where you are other than a life lived in the regret of a wasted life.

I don't underestimate how hard it is to start over. I am doing it now ( a forced move) and, yes it's tough. But, in your case, its better than staying and living a stultifying life.

Maybe take time to think about what sort of place you do want to settle in for life. Think about who you are and what you need for a good life, then figure out where you need to be, that has what you need for that life. Then commit. People I know who have moved say it takes five years to really start to feel settled somewhere.

Good luck.

Perhaps look at this logically.so
Where is the best chance of a good long lasting job
Where have you lived and been happiest
Do you like city's or the coast,big towns small villages
Near your dad?or any distant relative.
Where is good value for money on a house
where has the things you like to do ,so you could chose to live near them.
We ended up in our house because of my dh job...oh but I miss the sea..we couldn't be further from the sea if we tried.

I moved around a lot as a child... but now have a place I call home.... I do have the attitude if I lost it all I could start again but I know have friends a support network an amazing husband... and 5 am amazing kids...

Make a list of all of the things you want and then find a place that would offer this...

When I got married I did so it wasn't easy to walk away as after having a transient lifestyle I think it's easy to have the mind set that things just move on ...

Find what you want in life first and then the rest of you want it will just fall into place...
If you don't like where you live know move you can do this ...

I would move to a large city or a capital. Do you have that near by (ish)?
More opportunities, you can sign up to activities and meet plenty of people. Id find it less daunting to start over somewhere super busy.

Best of luck xx