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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Break up - need a female perspective.

8 replies

Titaniumvice · 22/02/2019 15:42

Hi all
Me and my gf recently broke up. We were together three years. It was really good, although towards end of last year things started to slip.
We seemed to become increasingly frictioned between the two of us, we would text and fall out quite a lot, silly petty little things that could of easily been dealt with through talk. I tried to talk to her face to face but unfortunately it was quite a struggle to do so. She seemed to talk better through text. Last year she wondered wether we would ever get back to the way it used to be. She said she doesn't know if she's happy anymore and I also agreed things weren't great but I truly beleieved all we had to do was see more of eachother and it wouldn't get better. She didn't really believe it and we even had a few days of no contact for her to think things through. I know what I wanted. After no contact she still didn't know what she wanted. She said she didn't want to waste all the things we had built up. I managed to convince her to have some quality time together and boom, it worked we were back to how we were. It was brilliant. She admitted she had made a mistake and that she ebelieved we could be good.
Before this and after it was me asking to do stuff all the time. Most of the time around Xmas she would say she's busy or I would ask her to do stuff, she said she'd let me know but I would have to ask again. Burn other times she would be like the old her, she asked me to do stuff, which we did, she would come on days out. I just don't get it. Then again she would blow cold. I asked her if she wanted to be with me. She would get defensive and state she has never said that she doesn't. But if I think that and she's making me unhappy then maybe I'm no good for her. This went on for a while, until I suddenly stopped putting in the effort. She said she keeps getting things wrong and that's she's sorry and make more of an effort. I was at such a low point, I said I've tried to make things work, I did make things work, then somehow it just slipped again. We both then decided to end it. I know she had some personal problems going on and although she wouldn't really tell me I do believe everything became clouded and she couldn't see the wood for the trees. I only wish she would of allowed me to show her more quality time together. After the break up, I felt really bad, I do truly love this girl and I sent her a quick note telling her I'm sorry we broke up, that I thought we had got back good again and if she ever needs anything she knows where I am. I also said in a few months we may see things clearer.

She then replied to me, which i wasn't expecting saying, in a few months who knows, that she thanks me for the Good times, and that if I ever need to talk just get in touch.

I repleeid with a thanksyou and reiterated she knows where I am.

She then replied again! Saying thankyou, so I quickly replied, no problem.

She then text me again wishing me a good day which was unexpected so I wished her back and said speak soon.

I want to give her space.

In my mind I want her back. But reading above do you think she's gone? Am I trying to convince myself there is a chance when ultimately she feels nothing.

I just don't know please help.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 22/02/2019 15:50

She sounds mostly out, almost entirely out tbh, sorry.

As for the getting in touch; people get lonely, bored, nostalgic, have an occasional regret or mixed feelings but ultimately if she wanted to be with you, she would.

I'd continue to be civil but I wouldn't concentrate any further effort or thought into it,bid concentrate on getting over it, enjoying yourself, building up hobbies and a social life, having fun etc.

She'll come back if she wants to, but she sounds v uncommitted, half assed and like she's checked out.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/02/2019 15:52

I'm sure she doesn't feel 'nothing', things are rarely that black and white - but it sounds like her feelings aren't strong and unambiguous enough for her to continue a relationship whole heartedly.

Titaniumvice · 22/02/2019 16:15

I feel such a fool I've let her go. I know I can't change the way she feels, it's just a shame we went through all of this and I out so much time, effort and thought into getting us back to how we were. I just wish she would of told me how she was feeling genuinely.
I realise I have lost her, she puts up fb statutes like nothing has happened.
It hurts to think hint that the girl I had such good times with has gone and now it's like it's all a distant memory for her.
I guess I'm wishing she will get in touch. The last message I said speak soon. She has read it and ignored it. Maybe she will never get back in touch.

OP posts:
medicine98 · 22/02/2019 16:33

Go no contact for a month. Immerse yourself in things for you. Get yourself in a good place mentally. If she is meant to come back to you she will. You sound like a lovely person.

Titaniumvice · 22/02/2019 16:39

@medicine98
Thankyou!
Yes I plan to just get on, get out and enjoy the good weather. I enjoy walking, and I'm going to start doing more, I haven't fallen out with her, she I said still on my Facebook, and sheisnt a bad person. I told her I genuinely wish her all the happiness, which I do. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be with me but I will be happy for her when she meets the right one.

OP posts:
Lightofday · 22/02/2019 16:43

I agree it sounds like she is out. But it also sounds like you wanted things to stay the same as they were in the beginning, new love and all that. And relationships don't do that. Sometimes they form into something workable...sometimes they fizzle out. In this case, it seems it has been the later. Hey, at least you know you are capable of more than short term things and also, amicable splits :) so hopefully next time, she'll be the right one for you.

Titaniumvice · 22/02/2019 16:55

@lightofday
Thankyou. It's now im starting to think about all the good things we had. All the problems and negativity have gone. Maybe that's just me, or part of the healing process. I do hope she's remembers fondly of our time. We never once had a massive argument, we were very similar in personality, may be I lost my way a bit and stopped being the guy who took control of everything. I think she liked that, but I also wanted an equal amount of effort from her. Who knows what might happen from now on, I guess I just have to reset

OP posts:
Titaniumvice · 22/02/2019 18:48

Also ----
On the last message I sent. I wished her a nice day andsaid 'speak soon'

How would you read that? That I am letting her contact me of she wants too or?

OP posts:
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