OK bear with me there's alot to this but I am so desperate for help and I dont know where to turn. I have been with my husband for 10years, we have an incredible 6m old little boy and last year bought our first house. The problem is our relationship. It turns out when we met he was already in an established relationship of about 17years with a 16 year old daughter. He says he was deeply unhappy in that relationship and so was looking to leave. He finally told me this a few months into our relationship and I, stupidly rather than leaving him, said well I am not prepared to be with someone who is already in a relationship so you need to choose. He said well I will leave her anyway whether you stay with me or not. I stayed. Our relationship was never 'normal' I met none of his family as he says they didnt want to meet the woman who destroyed his relationship.
I lost count of the times he let me down, we made plans and I'd sit and wait for him all ready to go, for him not to show, still I made excuses for him, I was in love. After 7years of him coming to see me at my house nearly every day we moved in together, and we planned to marry, I still never saw any of his family, they never come over, there was never any cards from anyone on christmas or birthdays. My fiance at this time was rarely home, I would sit and cry alone most nights, he even disapearred on what should of been our first christmas together in our first home. I spent that christmas day alone, too ashamed to tell my family that I had no idea where he was. And yes still I went ahead and married him. He said he worked day and night, napping in the tea room, all to save to buy our first house. Admittedly he did save alot and put a deposit on our first bought house last year. None of his family made it to our wedding in 2016, he said they refused to come. No cards no well wishes. I vowed to never forgive them. In December 2017 we very unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. He didnt want to keep the baby. I did. He initially said it would be the end of us, but had accepted it come New Year and even told my parents despite the fact we was only about 6 weeks and I was already in hospital unwell. Not long after this it turns out, none of his family knew we was married, but now we was having a baby it was the right time to tell his parents, brother and daughter, not only did he have a wife but a baby on the way. I was so hurt he had lied and made me hate his family that I didnt even know, I spent so much time thinking they couldnt just be happy he was happy and couldnt support him at his wedding and what awful people they must be. When he told his daughter about our pregnancy, a month before the due date, he wanted to lie to her about the due date then say the baby come early when he was born, I talked him out of it, I am so against this persistant lying, why is he not learning from the hurt he causes. It turns out he never told her we was married. I had to hide our photos and take cards down when she visited but one day she saw a photo on the wall he had forgotten to take down and so thats how she discovered her dad was married. After our boy was born we went for our anniversary dinner, during this dinner he decided to tell me his ex had text to congratulate him on our baby, he told me so he didnt have any secrets (LOL...the irony!) But said he didnt have her number and she had sent the message through his daughter. After dinner we went to pick LO up from my mums, he was consumed by his phone and as I look over its his exes name he is messaging, so he does have her number and they are communicating, seriously there is no need for contact your daughter is at this point 24/25 and you lied to me again. I have spent many hours trying to get my husband to tell me the truth, I guess for closure on the early part and for reassurance we have moved past all the lies, I have to except so much of what he did because I still went ahead and married him. However so much still just doesnt add up and he still lies to me. I keep asking him when he left his ex, as he at first claimed it was a few months into our relationship when he admitted he was with her. When I then asked where he was every time he let me down, he admitted he didnt just up and leave for his daughters sake and moved into a caravan outside his house and would still be there for family dinner etc, his daughter just thinking they'd fallen out. Last night when his daughter was over she mentioned coming home drunk at 4am and speaking to him while he was still up, and they discussed this memory, when I asked about this, as if she was out drinking until 4 I would expect her to be 18....2 years into our relationship, he said no it would of been before we got together, so I said, oh so you allowed her to go out, get drunk and come home at 4am at 15? He got defensive and just said stop talking about my past, its my past, you know what you need to know and I said oh so you havnt told me everything, and he just shouts and says its my past leave it alone. Well I know nothing. All I know is after 7years you moved in but was never home, and really it's only been since we moved 6months ago before our boy arrived that you are home and finally you have introduced me to your family. I just dont trust him, I know he is keeping something from me and I dont think he will ever tell me as everytime I ask, he shouts at me to just move on and what matters is now and he is with me and loves me. He claims he was never married to her, but he wore a ring in every photo with his daughter, once quite far into our relationship he met me wearing one, realising it was on he said he had just been to collect some of his things and thats why he was wearing it. When I asked him recently about that time he said he couldnt remember and must of just been out with his daughter. He hadnt, he had met me on a lunch break. He NEVER wore my wedding ring, only for the last few months has he started wearing it. I am so hurt at the fact that I feel I need to leave to be happy as I just dont trust him and I know he is keeping things from me, even if it is from years ago, it isnt his past if it relates to when he was with me. I keep thinking, should I let it go, because I do know he loves me now, and everything is out so I know we have our little family and maybe it's best to forget the past. But it just keeps coming up, I keep saying, just tell me everything then it's out and done, but he won't. I really dont want my boy to be part of a broken home, I cant stand the thought that if we split he would maybe be spending weekends apart from me with his dad. But I am hurting so much and I am so unhappy that I worry my LO will pick up on this. I dont know what to do for the best for him, stay and keep his family together but be unhappy, or go to be free and move on but break his family apart. I cant speak to my friends or family as they would never forgive him for all this hurt he has caused me, they don't know hardly anything he has done. Would you stay with someone you know is hiding a past and potentially remained with an ex partner and lied years into your relationship, but it is over and that was years ago, would you think its ok they talk and text? Would you leave and break a family, leave someone I do have some love for, I just dont fully trust him. Do I just need to let it go and move on and accept that it is in the past and although there probably is more to it, now we are a settled family of 3 and the past whatever it may be is done, it was years ago and what matters is he loves me and our boy now?