Heavily pregnant boyfriend doesn't fancy me

[mangolover]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant. We've been together nearly 3 years. I've felt from the start like he's not fancied me but he's always made excuses for the fact it's only ever me that initiates sex.
It came to a head over Christmas. It got me down and he acknowledged that it was always me who initiated sex, and could see how that would make me feel that way but promised it would change.

It hasn't. I don't think he's initiated it once. I do, but at other times it can be a really long time and I feel like I'm having to almost beg him for it and it's killing my self esteem.

I have a physical disability and I think that's probably the reason but he won't say that.

I'm just at the point where im tired of wondering why, feeling like I'm begging for affection and I feel like there's something wrong with me. I don't think being massively pregnant is helping. I'm tired of it getting me down every now and then and him admitting it and faking affection for a few hours and then going back to ignoring it. I just want somebody who loves me the same way I love them.

Does that sound childish?

What does he actually say about not initiating sex?

How did your relationship persist if you felt he didn’t fancy you from the start?

It doesn’t sound childish but you might be unrealistic about your sexual compatibility and that’s a tricky problem to solve.

I dont think you're being childish at all, but why would you be with someone who didn't fancy you from the very beginning? Did he say this or were you picking up hints?

He has only been in a relationship with one person before me, it was long term and she didn't treat him well.
I don't think he's ever been comfortable enough to actually initiate things.
But it's been 3 years, surely by now and after talking about it openly lots, then if he wanted to he would. That can't still be the problem now. The only thing I can think of is that I just don't do it for him.
I don't think it's a sexual incompatibility thing. I just think it's that I'm not what he fancies. And I just can't get my head around that this far into the game. I wish he would just be honest about it. It just makes me so sad.

He’s probably just exhausted from being pregnant and a bit confused as to how he got knocked up in the first place ;)

Seriously though, was this a planned pregnancy? If so, why on earth did you get pregnant with a man you’ve always felt doesn’t fancy you?

And yes, if a man fancies you he’ll be all over you and want to shag you. Especially at the beginning. The fact you’ve never really had that speaks volumes. If you stay with him you’re basically accepting the long slow erosion of your self esteem that comes from being with someone you know isn’t attracted to you.

Yes it was a planned pregnancy. Something we both spoke about and wanted.

Everything else is great it's just this

So, to repeat my question, why on earth did you get pregnant with a man you’ve always felt doesn’t fancy you?

I just think it's that I'm not what he fancies. And I just can't get my head around that this far into the game. I wish he would just be honest about it. It just makes me so sad.

How would it help for him to be honest?

You know this is the case and you've still agreed to stay together and have a baby.

If he says it, what does it change?

Could it be a sex drive thing? Some people just don't have that sexual urge as much as others.

Eh?? Why are you tying yourself to this man if you feel this way? Its crazy.

Like I say everything else is fine so that's why we've planned to have a baby together. There was a brief period when we agreed to try for a baby that he made an effort but it was brief.
We decided to try for a baby and I was pregnant within about 3 weeks of having my implant removed so it's been quite quick in that respect and I don't think me being pregnant has helped things. We have since moved house and had a lot going on too. I don't think somebody with a physical disability who is heavily pregnant is really the sexiest person to be around.
I don't think it's an urge thing, I feel like if he fancied me he would initiate it. It's not like I expect it every second of the day but if I didn't make it clear that's what I wanted and ask for it or initiate it then it just never happens.
I know he looks at porn so it's not an urge thing.
I don't know why I'm posting it. To see if anybody else has felt the same and it's been ok? I guess if he's not going to be honest about it I've just got to face up to it myself.

I don't think somebody with a physical disability who is heavily pregnant is really the sexiest person to be around.

I think this is slightly insulting to yourself, could it be that the way you feel about yourself is putting you off. I'm sure there are lots of men out there who find their pregnant and disabled wives attactive.

You made a mistake carrying on a relationship with someone who you knew wasn't into you sexually.

You're unreasonable to want him to start fancying you when he literally never has. These things categorically do not get better with time.

You seem to think hes slightly unreasonable not to want to shag you? As if its something he just needs to work on..
? Sexuality isn't like that. It's either there or it isnt. For you two, its not there. It was a mistake to start a family with someone who doesn't meet your needs.

@rvby that's not the case at all.
Of course I want him to fancy me, I fancy him like mad.

But I don't think he's unreasonable for not wanting to shag me, I'd just like him to be honest about it so I can get past it emotionally and then decide how I feel and what to do, as opposed to believing him when he says "I can see why you would feel like that and I'll try" and hoping it will get better all the time but it doesn't.

I obviously don't want to force him to have sex with me against his will. I just want some closure as to how he does feel which I'm not getting when I've spoken to him. So then I've come here asking if anybody's been in a similar position.

It's easy to say I shouldn't be with this person or shouldn't have let it go on this long. I adore him. I love him to pieces. I'm otherwise happy. You don't just give up on that.

@helpmeoutout I don't think that's the problem.
I can appreciate that lots of men feel great about their wives in those circs

But this one doesn't and I do feel that maybe that is why.

@mangolover you've misinterpreted my post, I dont think my intention was clear. I'll try again.

What I'm saying is, you know he's never fancied you.

You say he says he will change etc.

But what he says isnt relevant. What he says about it really doesn't matter at all, those are words and those are really really cheap. He isnt necessarily lying to you but he could easily be lying to himself iyswim.

Hes made it crystal clear via his actions and the fact that you even KNOW hes never fancied you. You already know sex with you isnt something he really wants.

Having a chat about it won't help. It might be better to face up to the fact that you chose to start a family with someone who isnt into you sexually. And start making choices based on that reality. Not on what you wish reality could or should be.

That might include counselling for you, as a couple, etc to help you decide next steps.

If you want to have sex, and your partner doesn't want sex, that's a serious problem and you need to invest serious effort if you want to have a chance at having your needs met.

I'm saying this to you because for years and years I hung around waiting for my ex to change. He said he would. I believe he wanted to. But folk don't change. They simply dont. You've got to accept them as is and make your own choices accordingly

I’m confused as to why you’ll feel better if he admits it. I don’t think it’s anything to do with you being pregnant either as it doesn’t sound like anything’s changed between you but you now have another possible excuse/reason for his behaviour.

It’s not what you want to hear but I highly doubt anyone will say they’ve been where you are and it’s “okay”. What would that mean to you? After 3 years it’s not going to change because you both feel the way you feel. When you’ve had the baby that’ll be another “reason” for him not to want to have sex. You may feel the same for a while you but then you’ll be back to wanting intimacy and he still won’t because he never really has.

How do you feel about staying in a relationship with someone who doesn’t fancy you? That’s what you’re facing. You already know it and there’s nothing to suggest he’ll chsngs. So I think you need to put the pregnancy element aside and think about whether the two of you have a future. From my POV staying when you know you aren’t getting what you need and effectively feel rejected on a regular basis will ruin your self esteem and you’ll resent him until it bleeds into the rest of your relationship.

Maybe it's as simple as a low sex drive? Not all men are sex-mad. It may be a bugger that he doesn't initiate it but if he's happy to do it when you initiate it and life is otherwise good....