Parents horrible relationship

[Ginnymweasley]

My parents are in their mid 60s and have been married for over 30 years. I love both of them but their relationship is ridiculous.
My mum is horrible to my dad, she name calls, swears, throws things, silent treatment etc. She has always had a bit of a temper but over the last 5 years or so it's got ridiculous.
Now I'm sure my dad isn't perfect, but yesterday he admitted that he bases all of his decisions on how my mum will react. His car broke down last week and her reaction was not one of concern but she sat there yelling that he was useless and pathetic. She then didn't talk to him for 3 days. All because his head gasket went and they had to wait for the aa for an hour.
She expects him to make her breakfast in bed everyday and drive her everywhere but she is just horrible to him.
I live a few hours away and I'm sick of hearing my dad sound so upset and resigned to life like this. Yesterday I told him to leave her. I love my mum but this is getting ridiculous. Neither of them are happy. Should I be wanting my parents to separate? I have 2 children and I don't want them seeing my parents acting like this.

Your dad needs to be told that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Its not too late for him to leave her and he should be living a life free of abuse. Its not his fault she is like this, this is all on her. What is he getting out of this relationship now?.

My guess too is that your mother has been abusive to your dad for many years and perhaps too before they were married. Abuse like you describe creeps up on people and it's really insidious in its onset. Abuse as well is not just physical in nature and he is on the receiving end of emotional abuse too. Its hard for many people, let alone men to talk about the fact they are being abused and he has probably kept a lot of what goes on at home here very quiet. Unfortunately abuse thrives on secrecy.

BTW what if anything do you know about your mother's family background?. Chances are her childhood was abusive in nature and she is simply repeating what she was taught by her parents. Its a reason and not an excuse. Abuse cuts across all classes and creeds and its no respecter of persons either male or female. Men are indeed abused too.

I would not take your children to see your parents, particularly their grandmother, in their home. I would continue to support your dad with a view to leaving his abuser. Will he be willing to talk to a men's organisation like Mankind, the link for them is here:-

www.mankind.org.uk/. You could contact them too, they welcome calls from people seeking information.

Thanks for the reply. I will mention it to my dad. You are probably right about it going on for years looking back on my childhood there are instances I remember of silent treatment etc but obviously as a child I had no idea. She also has a tendency of getting annoyed at how close me and my dad are, if we talk about something she isn't interested in she accuses us of talking down to her. It's only as I have got older that I have realised how stupid this is. I think my dad must of shielded me a lot as a child.
I have 2 half sister's (My mum's from a previous marriage) and they have been telling my dad to leave her for years apparently.

I suspect your dad may have needed to hear that from you - that he should leave her. Continue to support him in that way. Offer help.

What's your relationship like with your mum? Do you talk openly about things? If he left would she discuss it with you and could you have a conversation about how out of order her behaviour is? Could she see if you said "imagine dad did X, Y, Z to you" (turning the tables of things she's done) that it's abusive? Or is that a conversation you could have prior to him taking that step?

Keep talking to your dad by all means but do not give away any more of yourself than you can afford to lose. You have your own family unit and can only do so much here.

I would seriously consider calling Mankind yourself.

He may well keep on making a decision to not leave her and he has stayed with her for his own reasons. He is getting something out of their relationship. He probably still loves her on some level and seeks her approval which she will never give him.

Many people find it difficult to leave abusive relationships for many reasons and it can take many attempts to break free. Their own fear of the abuser, money problems and fear of the "unknown" are three amongst many reasons. Your mother is indeed jealous of the close relationship that you and your father have but that is her issue and not yours to carry for her. Sadly too he did not do everything possible in terms of protecting you from her excesses of behaviour; you remember her silent treatment from childhood.

Thanks again I will try and give them a call at some point. I think my dad feels some guilt about the idea of leaving cause he is the only one working and has been for the last 13 years and the house is his etc. I think he feels obligated to support her by this point. I will be speaking to him later at some point so I will see how he is feeling today. Right now I'm just worried about his mental health. I might see if he will at least go stay at my uncle's for a few days to get some space.