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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you think is happening here?

13 replies

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 07:28

Be gentle if you can, I am a little fragile at the moment, I will try to be include all relevant details but keep as brief as possible.

My husband leaves all the big issues to me. Or rather all the things he doesn't want to deal with. I work full time, he is sahd has been since we have our 2 children 10 & 8. He doesn't do nothing, just not more than he has to. For eg during the half term this week as during most holidays all he has done with the children is yesterday take them to visit his family in the next town, the rest of the week they will have been at home playing. As with most holidays I will take them to places at the weekend as I am work all week long. Yesterday, I left the house just before 6am for work. I finished earlier than usual as our 10 y/o is having counselling for anxiety. It was a little difficult as at the end of the session when I go in to have a de- brief the counsellor said that the 10 y/o thinks that I worry about them as they are nearly 11 which is the age at which my eldest child from a previous relationship died at - they had a rare illness.

When I got home I took the dog and 8 y/o for a walk over the fields, ate some dinner got changed and said to my husband that I wanted to go to bed as I also felt unwell with headache, sore throat etc which I had for a couple of days.

We had a knock at the door to say that the 8 y/o and a neighbour of a similar age had posted a note through another neighbours door in the village earlier that day which was a hoax - and said ha ha tricked you on it. We asked 8 y/o if there were any more and she confessed to another one being posted and so I asked my husband to go and see that neighbour to confess to it before they found it but he made a big fuss and wouldn't go.
In the end I got dressed and went and explained and they were lovely saying this sort of thing was going around in primary school where they worked so not to worry but thankyou for coming over. But I feel let down again and so alone.

OP posts:
Nc1548 · 22/02/2019 07:43

Your children are 10 and 8, why is he not back to work?

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 08:17

We tried doing this about 4 years ago - I did school hours and he did full time. It made my life more stressful than it is now.

If he doesn't work now then he can have some share income and it is more tax efficient as well so overall better for us.
It is the lack of other help that is dissapointing.

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Nc1548 · 22/02/2019 08:46

Why can't he find something to do during school hours instead?
I find that when people don't work they are less understanding of their partner's reality when it comes to stress and tiredness. Also not working allows him to live a "sheltered" life and get used to leaving all the issues outside of the house for you to sort out.

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 09:05

That is an interesting point and I agree he gets a very 'sheltered' life. I suspect he would complaint that he has too much to do around the house as well - I guess he wouldn't make it easy like I would if it were the other way around?

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Nc1548 · 22/02/2019 09:19

Lot's of couples work full time and sort out DC and housework. There's lots of advantages for extra income and no disadvantages (extra money for holidays, your DC's education, etc) and maybe it would help this imbalance in responsibility as you wouldn't be in the provider/mother role.

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 10:45

Yes I could see that could help. I am thinking back to when we both worked previously - I think I was doing the majority of the household stuff then as well and instead of getting a weekend to spend with the children it was time spent shopping, cleaning etc. I was also falling behind at work and my husband was grumpy. At the time it felt like the right thing to go back to him being off and being able to get everything done during the week, me working longer hours during the day and having the weekends to spend with the children. Slowly it feels as though he is doing less again. Maybe I am just in a mid life crisis and need to suck it up.

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KhaleesiTargaryen · 22/02/2019 11:12

Sounds like you need to raise this, something has to change.

My exH used to let me do all the “hard” conversation stuff like calling people to get work done, enquiring and booking holidays, making complaints and so on. I didn’t like doing it any more than he did. Eventually I just told him we had to share this stuf.

Tell him how you feel. Maybe as others suggest you could raise the prospect of him getting a job?
Decide how to split the family and house chores more equally.
You sound really lovely. Hope your DC gets through the anxiety. You seem very loving and supportive.
Flowers for you and your loss xx

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 12:13

Thanks Khaleesi. I told him last night I really needed his help with this stuff that was going on yesterday, I was really calm and said please help me deal with this and he just said you are better at this stuff than me. It is true that he isn't very patient.

I appreciate the time that you have both taken to respond.

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KhaleesiTargaryen · 22/02/2019 12:16

That’s exactly what my ex would say!! I just said, I don’t enjoy it either so we both have to step up and now it’s your turn.

It worked! 😁

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 12:28

Well done you!

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NotTheFordType · 22/02/2019 12:35

Aw your poor older DC. that must have been hard for you to hear from the counsellor.

I think your H is abdicating responsibility because he wants to stay in his comfort zone. However if he never pushes himself to deal with this shit then his comfort zone will become smaller and smaller a d he could end up basically being a "shut in" who can't deal with anything more challenging than buying a pint of milk (if that, in some cases.)

Readytorewind · 22/02/2019 12:36

Sometimes you just have to force them to step up. So, for example, I wouldn't have gone up and got changed and gone round to the neighbours. I'd have just gone to bed and let him deal with any repurcussions of that. He does it because he can.

Are you happy with him? Because it doesn't sound like you are tbh Sad

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 22/02/2019 13:52

NotThe yes it was very hard, a few tears managed to escape on the way home but I put some sunglasses on some hopefully managed to hide that from my 10 y/o. Yes I suppose I can see that he is abdicating responsibility, it is like it if don't ask if something has been done it doesn't get done - has child A done their homework, has done B done their music practise, have they had a shower etc.

Ready I went round to the neighbours as I didn't want the 2nd neighbour to find out from the first neighbour that they had also had a note and that we hadn't bothered to inform them once we knew, I know I could have left my H to it but once we knew I think we had to front it - it was obvious he wasn't going to, I could tell by his response that he didn't want the hassle of this but I understand what you are saying that neither do I but I did it because that is what we have to do as adults. Am I happy with him - I suppose when times are good then yes but when there are problems I feel so alone so thank you for asking that of me as now I can tell him that.

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