Inescapable and inappropriate attraction

[pictureframar]

I'm married. I started working with a married man 2 years ago and the physical attraction between us (or maybe just that I feel) is getting worse and worse. I can't/won't change jobs and I can't work less directly with him. We don't talk about our marriages/spouses, we don't have a powerful emotional connection (I intentionally keep him at arms length, maybe he does the same). However I fantasise about him, catch myself daydreaming and lose sleep over him. It's actually miserable because it frightens me.

It's obviously related to the state of my sex life, I'm not attracted to dh anymore. I hope this returns as I'm sure if I was having regular sex things would be different?

So two things I'd really appreciate advice/shared experiences on. Will this attraction go eventually despite being around one another frequently? And can I start to fancy dh again, what could help? I am frightened it's too far gone and I'm indulging in my fantasies about someone else, on a purely physical level. I love dh, and I hate this feeling like I'm on a cliff edge, as if I'm ignoring reality for escapism.

Nothing has happened and nothing will happen between us as we're both married and we're decent people, but the physical attraction exists, for me at least, and I'd like it to stop! I'm mid forties and feel mid teens 😔

You don't mention any problems with your DH pushing you away so I'll assume a "normal" relationship.

I would imagine your DH divorcing you and starting a family with someone else. You are taking him for granted but you could lose him at any point in time.
Splitting assests, time with DC if you have them, seeing him with his new younger wife? Does that help?

No problems at all from him. He doesn't look after himself but nothing extreme, and it's up to him. I'm not being unkind, it's just factual. Weight gain, old/tatty 'comfy' clothes, unsociable, maybe shower every 2 days. I don't think any of that helps, but I'm not shiny and new either! He's lovely to me, generally.

The attraction to this other man is shocking me, I don't know how related it is to my lack of a good sex life at home.

You have two separate problems here. You no longer fancy or have sex with your husband; and there's someone at work that you do fancy.

Imagine the guy at work doesn't exist. Would you carry on with your husband? It doesn't sound like this man at work has any interest in you, to your knowledge, so there's no reason to conflate the two.

Maybe you need to work with your DH on the things that may be putting you off. Cook and eat healthily, go for walks together, buy your DH some new clothes? Book a date, dress up a bit?
You will lose him and you most likely will regret it.

You need to stop acting as though you have no power in any of this.

You say you cant/won't change jobs. So you can and are choosing not to. If you absolutely couldn't it would be 'I can't change jobs'.

Most of us in LTR fancy someone else at some point. But you are letting it become all consuming.

Affairs start when the people involved start thinking 'I can't help myself' and 'I can't control myself'. You absolutely can.

Put this man out of your head. Completely. Decide what you want to do about your marriage as a separate issue.

I wouldn't be happy if my dp stopped making an effort. I love that he is always well groomed and wants to look nice when we go out. Or even around the house. Even when he is working in the garden, he would come in, shower, put some decent clothes, even if it's trackies they would be clean and nice ones. I would hate it if he didn't shower or wore dirty and tatty clothes all the time.

But you either discuss this with him or leave him. The other man should have nothing to do with it.

How old are you, and how long have you been married?

You really need to stop the fantasising. It just reinforces the cycle. Actively fantasise about something else, something less dangerous, to reset yourself.

I'm going to be deliberately bracing here.

This is not 'inescapable'

You need to apply some backbone to thus, and actually own your choices so far. And then exercise a little self-control.

You can choose tomavoid wrecking your career by applying a bit of discipline to your thought patterns, and whenever you realise you're allowing yourself to dwell on the inappropriate you cut it out immediately. And keep cutting it out - whether you need to do that a dozen or a hundred times before you break the silly habit.

Then your head might be clear enough to make proper decisions about your marriage. And you will still have a career and work reputation that will facilitate the practical aspects should you decide you wish to leave.

This happened to me many moons ago. I told my DH. That soon took the wind out of my sails. Once it wasn't secret anymore it didn't seem such an exciting prospect I guess, plus my DH started being more attentive after taking me for granted for a while.

Imagine how you would feel if you found out dh fancied a younger, more improved woman at his work. It might jolt you into action as he sounds like he is not a bad dh. As Spring approaches why don't you suggest walking together each evening or weekends and introduce a new eating regime pretending its for yourself.
I would pull him up on the showering thing as thats not fair .
Just begin something new with dh.
Also remember woman loyalty to that other mans wife . You would be raging with another womans total lack of thought for you if she began anything with your dh.
Its easy to fancy someone. Thats normal. But its in your power to rein it in and stop your mind going off in a fantasy.
You may also be making a fool of yourself in work if anyone cops your attraction. So let the feeling of that embarrassment throw cold water on your feelings.

Weight gain, old/tatty 'comfy' clothes, unsociable, maybe shower every 2 days. I don't think any of that helps, but I'm not shiny and new either! He's lovely to me, generally.

I think you need to concentrate on your husband at the moment, rather than this man. Sorry to be cliche, but it sounds like he's sliding into depression. I think it's much more acceptable for men to be scruffy and I don't think it helps their mental state. As frivolous as it may sound, a daily wash and putting on clean, nice clothes tells the world that you respect yourself. I know when I've been depressed, or on the way there, personal grooming is one of the first things to go (I'm not exactly Towie-d up generally but I have to be clean ).

Do you have Netflix? Maybe a bit of queer eye might inspire him?

Don't be too hard on yourself, your doing the right thing by keeping this guy at arms length. Just don't imagine he's doing the same thing and fancies you back, he probably isn't. Sorry.

It will pass eventually you just have to wait for that moment when he does something that puts you off him and always stay professional.

Try making an extra effort to try new things you always wanted to do alone and with your husband to give you something else to focus on. It will definitely pass eventually.

A few resources
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. About affairs, but also advises how to affair proof your marriage eg crushes and how to deal with them
Esther Perel - quite a few ted talks/articles as well as a book Mating in Captivity about long term monogamy

Your current challenge is completely normal in a long term relationship. See it as a way to re-set your marriage.

I didn't know all this. My crush went away eventually, but my husband then had an affair instead. Lol the irony! I see my crush now as a warning sign about my marriage. It's a shame we weren't able to take it as a sign to re-set our marriage. Instead, we moved further apart. Such is life, and mine is fine now too, just different.

www.clementinecom.com/news/the-shadow-of-the-third

Thank you all so much. You've all been really nice, and the advice is so sensible and doable. I just needed to write it all down and have the solutions clearly stated, so thank you. I will concentrate on dh, my marriage, and other, safe fantasies!