Am i over reacting ?

[Sarahjamesl]

I was wondering if anyone could advise or either tell me if im at fault. My husband has always loved to drink but when he drink he becomes a different person, hes verbally abusive for example calls me fat or ugly or generally does things to upset me around the house until he finally goes to bed. The next day i tell him what he said to me and he appologises and says he cant remeber, i dont forget what he has said as it hurts my feelings and I can hold a grudge for a long time where i will not want any physical contact etc which he then holds against me. The last year or so during arguments even when sober he has thrown things at me to the point it has bruised me or flicked tea towels in my face during heated discussion. A few months ago after an argument about him drinking alcohol i told him to please stop drinking for good as my heart sunk everytime we went out with friends, as i know he would end up ruining my night with insults. During this argument he came to square up in my face so hard i felt like my nose was breaking and my initial reaction was to slap his cheek so he would go away as i had finally had enough, on doing this he back handed me for the first time however he then said it was my fault as i slapped him and i wound him up to the point he snapped and seen red, aswell as "i didnt even hit you that hard, i tapped you" (it hurt). I thought i was a very independent woman who had standards and morals im not sure whats happened to me or my confidence. I havent told anyone as we put up a good front to people around us and dont like to be talked about but its got to a point where my child sees my husband shouting at me and tries to stop him from being nasty to me which has broken my heart. Is it me? Am i asking too much for him not to drink ? Should i have not slapped him after he squared upto me? Just an opinion would be nice.

My opinion is that your husband is a wicked, drunken, abusive piece of shit and that you should make plans to separate from him as soon as possible.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds abysmal.
It isn’t supposed to be like that.

This is abuse. The alcohol is irrelevant /he's hiding behind it. Dreadful for children to see and unlikely he will change. My advice would be to make plans to leave

No you aren't over reacting. Unless you have left already you are under reacting. I hope you are OK?

Not over-reacting. You need to react more. What Pictish said.

It's not up to you to change him, you can only change if you are with him as he's shown you he is, or not. I'd vote not as he sounds horrible and abusive and you sound like you live in fear of what will happen next. You mention a child. Your relationship is what your child is learning is "normal". None of what you describe is acceptable in a healthy relationship.

What Pictish said. This is not ok. At all. It’s not what you signed up for. I would leave, I really would.

Your poor child witnessing this. He will grow up thinking its normal. You need to get him away from this environment. And as for your united front - rest assured that other people will know he's a horrible drunk, he will have shown his drunk self to others too. You'll probably be surprised how much support you'd get if you left.

You need get away from this situation now, things are becoming more and more violent and are already emotionally abusive. I would never advocate violence but I can understand how you could have reacted in the way you did given he was hurting you and you were frightened. Do you currently rent or own? Who's names are on the lease/ deeds?

The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is NONE! Your husband has gone from verbal abuse, to physical intimidation to physical assault/abuse, he's escalating and he will not change. This will only get worse. OP you're underreacting, Google boiling frog syndrome, every time you let an incident slide he sees it as permission to take it to the next level. And he will ALWAYS blame you. Even him back handing you (think about that for a moment, the man who claims to love you raised his hand and smacked you across the face!) he has turned around to being your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! He is abusive, he's hiding behind the alcohol. You need to get yourself and your DC out of this before he escalates further, you know how this could end.

This reads so much like the beginning of the abuse with my ex; please consider leaving this relationship. In my experience it will only get worse and it’s not right for your child to see that.
He will try to use the fact that you slapped him; don’t even engage in a conversation about it. You did what you felt you needed to do in self defence

It's not you. It's him.

Leave. He won't change.

But now he has hit you it will continue.

100% you need to leave for your sake and your child's!
Your OH is abusive and you and your child deserve better.

There was a programme on TV recently about children growing up with domestic violence. You should both watch that and then you should leave or make him go. Once you have children you have to put them first.

I couldn't even finish your OP as the level of his abuse makes me ill.

You really, really need to get away.

Please call someone. Call your parent, siblings, a trusted friend. Call and TELL. Ask for support and help in getting away. If you feel you can't, ask yourself why. Chances are he's alienated you from them by giving you grief when you want to see them or talk to them. Or by putting obstacles in the way of any plans to do so. He's probably convinced you that they don't really care about you. You may feel that they don't want to hear from you Trust me, that isn't true and I guarantee you that they are waiting for you to call and tell them you want out.

What do you need to get out?

Please my love, tell your family, get support, speak to Women’s Aid, speak to the police, do whatever you have to do but you have to get yourself and your child away from him.
It won’t stop, it will get worse. I grew up with a dangerous, violent father until my mother was eventually able to get us away, she had to, he would have killed her. I lived in permanent, absolute terror for 10 years.
It starts small, they’re oh so sorry, they can’t remember, they cry, they beg forgiveness, it won’t happen again, but it will and each time he will hurt you more. You make excuses, start to take responsibility, maybe it was something you did?, because you love him. You’re doing that already.
I’m so sorry to frighten you, but you must get away from him now.