How can I learn to trust again?

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've been with my DP for nearly a year. He's lovely. I love him probably more than I ever did my XH. It feels right. He's kind, funny, caring, considerate, calm, reasonable. He's not jealous, aggressive or manipulative (all of which my XH was).

But I was with my XH for 12 years and, although (in hindsight) it didn't feel quite "right", I thought that he would love me forever, I never thought he'd leave. I thought he was decent (despite a bit of a temper) and loyal. (Only in hindsight do I realise he was manipulative, I didn't see that at all at the time). But then, when I had PND, PTSD and was struggling with suicidal thoughts, he said he regretted our life together and cheated on me. I found out and our marriage ended. I NEVER thought he was capable of that. I never thought he could do that to me and our children and I never thought he would treat us the way he subsequently did. But he did.

So now, how am I ever supposed to trust anyone? How can I believe that my partner won't do the same? How can I rely on anyone? When I trusted and relied on someone for 12 years and every step of the way I thought I was right to do so, how can I believe that I'm ever right to do that with anyone again? I want to be able to. But it's terrifying.

OP I could have written your post. My situation is very very similar and I am struggling with this a great deal. Hopefully some wise posters will be along soon. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I do t have a partner at the moment but I separated from my dh just over a year ago as I found out he was having an affair. I never thought he would do that to me and his kids and was knocked for six. We were married 13 years, together 18+.
I think if I do ever meet anyone else I will never trust as much as I did before...I just don’t know how you can when you have been so let down. I guess you just have to remember that your dp isn’t your ex dh and is no more likely to cheat on you than anyone else but that is hard when you have been cheated on already.
The positives are that you know the signs this time and will have your eyes wide open x

Also a similar situation.. STBXH left 8 months ago completely out of the blue.. and recently started dating again and just feel like I’ll never trust anyone, hoping people can help us!

It's so difficult, isn't it?

Part of me wants my naivety back. Part of me thinks it's better to be clued up to mitigate against it happening again. Or at least not being affected in the same way if it did.

But then I also want to feel completely at ease. I want to be able to let go and let my defences down. I don't like living with the fear about what might happen. If it is going to, it's going to, no amount of fear will change that. But I don't know how to let go of that fear.

It’s very hard and I have no advice.

Everyone says to LTB after cheating because the trust is gone but I think the ability to trust anyone again has gone anyway.

You need counselling. Your self esteem has taken a severe beating and you need proper help in rebuilding yourself.

You probably were not ready to get in to another relationship and you have to be so careful about dragging your emotional baggage in to this one as it will ruin it.

It took me five years to get over my ex. I had multiple relationships that went down the pan because I was so messed up. Spent a year on my own healing myself then met DH.

Try and start fixing yourself.

I am having counselling. We haven't really talked about this too much. DP is very understanding about the way I feel so it's not caused any issues which probably hasn't given me cause to talk about it.

I will discuss it at my next session.

Oh and honestly not all men are the same - there are great ones out there!

Have you tried any books? I read loads concerning the topic and they really did help.

I haven't @Motherofcreek. Any that you'd recommend?