To be fed up of leading half a fxxxxxx life

[JustmeandtheKIDS2]

I really dont know where to bloody start.

My life has been a total mess for 3 years! My husband left me and our 2 children. He has since constantly been an absolute nightmare! We were married a long time, he was controlling and manipulative and became increasingly more abusive financially, emotionally and probably sexually. I think there has been a lot of cohesive control and i have been left very confused about the even basic things that went on when we were married.
So we have 2 young children, from pretty much day one i have had to involve a solicitor due to his unreasonable and unpredictable behaviour. I have a massive legal aid bill that i have to pay back as i own a house. Every part of the separation had to go through the solicitor and was drawn out and very difficult, resulting in 4 court cases. So the good thing is that its all pretty much been sorted!! My solicitor is baffled by his weird behaviour and said hes one of the oddest people she has ever met.
So moving forward even though there is a court order regarding him seeing the children, his need for control continues. I have to be careful what i write as i could be easily identifiable. He still tries to control everything, what the children eat at school, what they eat at my house, what they wear, he wont do homework, chastise me if they ever have to go to hospital or the drs, wont follow drs advise, even when i send him the drs notes, returns them to my house grubby. It is everything, his pure hatred towards me is very blatant.
Hes rude to teachers at school, calls my children's friends fat, gives other parents dirty looks in the play ground (several complaints made to the school by other parents). I have had to get cctv due to a pretty nasty incident at my house where he pooed in my porch (yes thats right) Of course at the time there was no def proof that it was him so police not really bothered. Anyhow i could go on and on and on!
I was exhausted enough at all of that and at trying my hardest to keep out young children out of the mix (he would tell them far too much, eg mummy called the police on me etc etc). I have tried to use the theory of going "Gray rock" with him. Which kind of worked to some degree.
Then to top that off social services and the police have been involved due to his behaviour regarding the children (nothing to do with me and cant say any more as confidential) They have invested the situation and come to a conclusion, he has been given strong advise regarding his behaviour. I have now got on my hands an even more angry and pent up man.
My life has been totally and utterly rail roaded by him over the years. I try my best not to let him get to me but i just carnt cut a break.
Im aware that hes abusive but he always narrowly misses getting a restraining order. His abusive towards me never quite amounts to what is needed. I am tired and fed up of it all. I live my life on high alert and i am aware that i am still being controlled by him. Anyone else been in such a long drawn out abusive situation after separation??? Feels as if no one ever really cares as long as the kids are ok.

Parental alienation is now an offence. Would that be an angle to get him out of your lives? He does sounds unhinged.
Bit like my ex.
I actually received a letter from his solicitor complaining I had had blinds fitted to my kitchen windows thus preventing him from spying on me now!

He's still abusing you and the children. This man does not deserve to be a father.

Sorry I can't help you OP

He just continues to abuse me via the children, he doesn swear at me or threaten me, he doesn lay a hand on me, he doesn't even talk to me. But he continues to cause kayos in my life, breaking court orders, not allowing me to talk to the children when he has them, undermining my parenting, my mental health, and my intelegance, He occasionally does something amicable, sends me a text regarding the children thats polite, then the next day hes back to texting or writing in a way thats totally undermining and disrespectable. (or sending me weird poems!)
He has a girlfriend who just enables him further, i hate to say it but their both just so weird. Their in to some kind of religious thing and try hard to impose their believes on the children. Eg what happens when you die, (you apparently become a flower) not caring about your appearance, eg children returned grubby. Having a very strick diet, my children think people who eat meat are unkind!! Not believing in every day rules or having respect for others. Eg no homework is ever done, no interest in their education.

Im tired of the fight! like iv said social services and police involved, i have no doubt that he will blaim me for that! They will conclude their case and i will be left with a very very very angry and unhinged man, it really carnt get any worse.

Has anyone been in the situation where your ex is still abusing you and constantly controlling your life several years after separation? Did it finally stop? What did you do to stop it? Really need to start thinking out the box to solve this situation.
Iv began to wonder about mediation? we have already done shuttle mediation, it didn't go well, he tried to dictate what we discussed and then refused to go back for a second one so took me to court instead.
Solicitors letters also dont work, been there done that.

Anyone??

Not me... but I have witnessed a friend. Ex has new woman and family and still is abusive/controlling to her. He has had solicitors withdraw their services as his behaviour was so unreasonable. Broken court orders, trying to change access/holidays, taking child abroad/away with no notice, monitoring conversations, etc. etc.

I'm meeting with her this weekend and will try to find out any words of wisdom for you.

Mine to her was much like the grey rock approach (I think)... get all communication through a third party or proxy. Any childcare issues, anything. Just block him from every form of communication and get the third party/proxy to do it. Don't rise to any bait, don't give him any kind of satisfaction by offering a reaction.

Easier said than done I know.

How old are your children?

Thank you, sorry feeling shit today.
The children are young their 4 and 5.

I pretty much do everything you have suggested Getme.
We are on our second court order regarding the children, he didnt keep to the first one and still causes a lot of trouble with this one. He has the children for longer now as the idea is that to avoid meeting he collects and drops to school. Well what can go wrong with that? The problem is that he has implied to one of children that he is moving house. I ask him (via text) he says hes not but that he wouldn't tell me anyway etc etc. I say he can not have the children unless i know his address (he has form for not returning them as per the court order. He will still pick them up from school, school go by the court order so will also release the children to him. This has resulted in the children missing school as i have had to collect them early!!
I only see him one day a week, when he drops the kids off to me, even thats hard he wont bring them to the front door and they are often running around on the pavement.
He moved in with a woman he had met, the children came home and told me after they had spent the night at her house!!! I was so so upset he hadnt informed me before so i could prepare the children. anyhow thought a woman in his life may help, no shes as mad as he is and totally enables his behaviour.
I feel as if i live with constant worry, hes very manipulative and unpredictable and will tell a very different story from the truth.

Im tired of struggling of looking over my shoulder.

A court will insist you are told where your dc will be staying.
My dc went nc with df after years of him trying to turn them against me..
Karma.

A friend of mine has an abusive ex. They do not see each other at all and any drop offs are either at school like you’re currently doing or through a mediation centre so he’ll drop off and then she’ll pick up but not meeting at all.
All direct communication is blocked and instead channelled through a third party.

You need to see EVERYTHING that he does or says as bait - he just wants to yank your chain - each and every time.

Expect him not to do their homework or keep them clean - I expect he ONLY does this to wind you up. Don’t give him the pleasure. Resist responding to his antics.

Only thing you can do is grey rock, minimum contact and all communications through a third party. You might find counselling helpful to give you focus and strength.

So sorry you are going through this.

Have you spoken with you local domestic abuse organisation? Coercive control is much more readily acknowledged now and they may have some valuable advice on how to deal with it.

I presume you both have parental responsibility. Do you have 50/50 contact or are you the main carer? If you are the main carer and have concerns about your DCs contact with their father then I believe you can stop contact and let him take you back to court.

If SS and police are involved they must be aware of some acrimony. Perhaps speak with your DCs social worker about the significant risk of harm your ex poses to the children (emotional abuse) and also point out parental alienation and also suggest a risk assessment of your ex’s partner, including a police check.

Also you could pull in the school for support as they are supervising handover and will be able to corroborate your concerns.

The grey rock approach is best. Keep a record of everything as your ex’s behaviour sounds irrational/mentally unwell.

Forgot to say, mediation is generally discouraged by domestic abuse organisations as medition between a victim and perpetrator does not work as the perpetrator generally continues try and manipulate and intimidate the victim.

Also, you may find it helpful to try and understand your ex’s behaviour, which in turn might help you to make sense of things. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder may be a good start and also Narcissistic Personality Disorder as your ex seems to be trying to ‘gas light’ you and will be enjoying your reaction.

Omg thank you all for your responses.

I have been using the gray rock approach for a while, i dont tend to respond to him. There is no verbal communication just a book and text. Hes a total law unto himself and sees him self as far Superior to me so even with a court order he still tries to call the shots. Not always just when it suits him.

No contact is not 50/50. They live with me i have a residency order, didnt ask for it but court gave it to me, probably as he was so so odd while in court. There is a contact order which states when he sees them, any holes in the order and he takes advantage.
Most pick ups and drop offs are from school, so its very hard to stop him seeing them as the school will just follow the court order regardless, hence why my children have missed some time off school.

SS and the police were involved due to something that happened when they were with him, nothing to do with me or domestic abuse. They appear to have a very narrow agenda so not interested in anything else he has or hasn't done.
Yes i did have a domestic abuse worker, but didn't find her very helpful tbh. Its all about safety plans and stuff like that, hes never been physical so not very useful.

chilli 100% he has a personality disorder. Iv known that this is very likely for quite some time. My solicitor acknowledged very quickly how controlling he was and just how odd his behaviour is. I work in a place were we have a lot of people with personality disorders, his behaviour is similar.
There is a huge risk of emotional harm to the children, i have pointed this out to the s/w, i think shes given him a warning about his behaviour. But i kind of felt they again weren't that interested.
The whole sorry process has consumed me, i live in total fear! I know as soon as one issue has been ironed out im just in waiting for the next one. I feel as if sometimes i dont help myself, i am a lot more resilient now but still hugely struggle with the situation and the stress is relentless.

How are you feeling today?

I think that you have the measure of him in many ways. Maybe look at the PD type that you think he is and research ways to best manage his type? Although it does sound like you have buttoned everything down in a practical level - but he will always look to frustrate and sabotage you.

Maybe all you can do is concentrate on self care and looking after yourself more than others emotionally and physically as you have this cross to bare. Expect his disruption - leave it for some time and choose not to react emotionally - even behind the scenes - choose not to give him your finite emotional energy - choose to walk the dog, go for a run, swim, do some yoga or mindfulness etc.

Maybe research coercive control, stalking emotional abuse etc - so you are clear what he could do next and then also log every single thing he does and present it to SW and or police if appropriate.

It sounds like he is sailing v close to the wind and you should be looking to nail him.

Hey justme hope you’re ok.

Totally agree that you need to look after yourself. Do you have support (friends & family) local to you as they could help by at least letting you off load a bit.

If SS are still involved then it would appear they have some concerns about your children’s contact with their father. It might be worth exploring this further and don’t be frightened to complain if you are unhappy with the SW response, you have every right to be concerned about your DCs welfare.

Goodness, poor you, it sounds awful. From his behaviour, I'm actually surprised the Social Worker isn't more pro-active. It sounds as if his behaviour is skewing the situation towards a child protection issue. I know it probably sounds drastic, but would you consider moving away? That could lessen his malign influence.

Thank you xxx

ss only continued being involved as i made it clear how i felt about it and gave some suggestions (i work in this field). I gave the ss a 4 page list of my concerns.

Yer i feel i have things as tight as i can, keep a diary of how the children are returned, only communication through a book or text, have cctv. Most drop offs and collections from school (to avoid us meeting).
Communication is a total nightmare, even the most simple of things, he twists and turns things and some how its your fault, the interests of the children are rarely put first. Some days hes pretty polite via text but it soon turns nasty.
Hes hugely controlling and coursing, i really dont want this kind of relationship as its damaging for the children and hell for me to live with. I avoid any emotional response or reaction as i realise hes doing it for a wind up. Its very hard as you start to loose your own perspective on things, which i know is what he wants. He thinks hes better than me and that im stupid and treats me in that manor. Unfortunately he has a girlfriend who enables him, this is a big problem. He has no friends and family as hes petty nasty to people.
Hes cancelled my email account, tried to hack my fb account x 2. Pooed in my porch, the list goes on and on.

Even with all this going on he returned one child, with sick on them (dried sick) looking unkempt. The other child being returned early as hes forgotten something that he needs. His communication makes it clear hes not putting the childens needs first as he wont confirm if hes going to feed the second child before they return or not. Honestly ins bloody endless.

We dont live that close, i do intend to move soon and change the childrens school, but no doubt that will be a battle of wills.
Yer ss only really appear to be interested in the matter that was reported to them.
Feels as if noone really sees the full picture or puts the peaces together and realised what damage is being done to me and the children.