All advice gratefully received!

[Needtobuildabridge]

Hello,

I'm hoping for advice on getting over emotional baggage, or at least stopping it from impacting my current relationship!

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for around 9 years. During this time,Ex destroyed my self esteem. I feel that I'm over most of it, but I have a lot of residual issues surrounding sex.
My ex would always turn me down, we were only ever intimate on his terms. The build up to sex was also the only time I recieved any affection. It was usually once a month at the most.
Fast forward to now, if I initiate sex with my bf and he isn't in the mood (I know this is perfectly acceptable and he has every right to sat no!) I feel so rejected. New bf is wonderful and lovely and hugged me for half an hour after the last time I got upset about it, but I need to get over this!

Please help

Unashamed bump.....

Anyone?

Sorry to here this

I can imagine you went through thousands of emotions whilst with your ex partner. Have you tried any counselling options? It sounds like you have a lot to process from your previous relationship.

Have you spoke to anybody in real life either? That can be really useful just to get it off your chest too. I’m glad you’ve found somebody who is treating you well, I think you need to deal with your own feelings and building your self esteem back up fully in order to progress with the new if that make sense?

If you do go through the counselling option, you can go through the NHS however, I’m based in the North East of England and when I tried there was a huge waiting list. I went private (sessions were £40 per hour) appreciate not everyone can spare that but I found counselling very useful. FWIW I was in your position before meeting my DP & counselling specifically EMDR therapy was the best thing I’ve ever done. Any emotional trauma / event can stay in the short term memory so this helps you process and move it out of there!

Hope this helps

How often is new bf turning you down?

Assuming this is normal turning down of actual sex, rather than some kind of control issue, or severely mismatched libidos... Is there a way you can approach it which would not leaving you so vulnerable? A conversation about it first? A code both of you understand?

I have no experience of counselling but I would say the following...

Remember that sexual intimacy isn’t the only thing that should validate your relationship- it’s important, sure, but maybe try and build in some really cool things you can do together, a shared gym class, or hobby, cooking glass anything - not as a substitute for sex, but something that gives you a really fun shared experience regularly that will make you feel connected and secure in your relationship so that it doesn’t feel like a shattering blow when he doesn’t feel in the mood for sex. Me and DP have two small kids and we rarely have the time or energy for sex, one or the other is always to tired BUT when cook tea together or something else we have so much fun together that it doesn’t feel like a biggy when sex doesn’t happen, or at least it doesn’t feel like a thing that jeopardises the relationship / or makes either of us feel rejected.

@Raven Thank you, I've already been through councillimg through the NHS for anxiety and depression, at the time I was blind to the fact that my ex was causing most of the problems,maybe it's time to go back with new understanding of my issues

@Happiness @spongebob It's just normal turning down, I don't think I have a high libido, more a high need for physical intimacy. He's just started a new job, so is a little more tired than usual. In hindsight I've not picked marvellous times to try sometimes!

@Bamboo we have loads in common and we do a lot together. I wish that was enough for me, but right now I'm needing a lot of physical connecting.

I don't want to ruin this by bringing in baggage from a previous relationship 😞