How would you handle this with SIL?

[ftmdueapril]

I normally stay out of all the family feuding (were a big family so there's always someone annoyed at someone!), and try to keep my opinions to myself. But I am a bit concerned about my niece and nephew.

Their mum (my SIL, who I get on with well enough), just doesn't dress them appropriately at all. They're constantly in shorts and tshirts whilst she's in a big coat and woolly hat.

My little niece has chronic asthma and constantly has chest infections, and has one currently - I saw her yesterday and she looked terrible bless her.

Today there are pics on Facebook of my niece at the park in shorts and a tshirt 😩 admittedly it's a warmer day than it's been but I'm still in a jumper and leggings (and I've got baby central heating in my tummy!). My SIL is there in a scarf and hat and big coat again!

I know it's none of my business and I know I'm not a mum yet so I should perhaps keep my nose out, but I am honestly worried about my niece and I feel like I should say something but I definitely don't want to seem like I'm being an arse. Has anyone got any tips on how I could say something politely? Feel free to tell me if you think I'm being a nosey Noreen as well.

Everyone in my family talks about it all the time but no one says anything because SIL can be quite sensitive, and I just feel like rather than gossip or bitch behind her back I'd rather just say something and hopefully prevent my niece getting even sicker!! X

If she’s dressing warmly herself, she knows how to dress appropriately for the weather. That won’t stop when considering what to dress the kids in.

Are you sure she’s picking the DC’s outfits? When I was a kid I can remember insisting on wearing shorts and t shirts or a summer dress in early spring or autumn instead of jeans and a fleece as they were easier to run about in.

I can understand why you feel worried, its definitely not warm enough where I am (Manchester) for shorts and T-shirt. I’m assuming she is either your brothers partner, or your husbands sister. Either way I think it would be best coming from a family member to her. If it was me i’d Ask DH or DB to have a word with her and keep it very casual not accusing tone. I know in my experience family can get away with a lot more honesty with each other before offence is taken.

My DD is 5 and there are some days where all she wants os to wear shorts, dress, skirt even when it's cold.

Some days I let her do it and tell her that if she gets cold then it's her fault for not dressing properly. It's the only way she'll learn.

She also just doesn't seem to feel the cold and DH is like it to whereas I'm in jeans and a coat even in a heatwave.

Loads of the kids here have been out in cargo shorts and t shirts during half term.

The running around keeps them warm, and I know mine hate being restricted by layers. They just don't feel the cold.

They'll be back at school in their summer uniforms after half term too.

Does their father think they run around naked, or is their clothing an issue to attribute to their mother only?

I love on a street with a high and junior school. Loads of kids wont wear coats and strip off.

That said, they have not been forced out of the house in shorts.

I would be inclined to put a jokey response on FB about how warm her kids must be as they are always half undressed.

Buy them a nice hoody each for a birthday / Easter present, one that you know they would like (so with superheroes on or whatever) and then you can bang on about how lovely it is to see them wearing their gifts. Easier to get a child to slip a hoody on than a coat too.

It's my brothers partner but he's not in the picture unfortunately. Which is why I definitely wouldn't want to offend her because she'd probably stop me seeing the children and I have a really good relationship with them.

My niece is 3, she definitely likes to pick what she wears but when I've had her and I've told her no it's too cold, she gets on board.... which again I can't comment on because I am the aunty not the mother so I don't know if there's different boundaries.

I want to make it clear, I'm not trying to sound like I'm slagging SIL off, she's doing a brilliant job all things considered and her children are wonderful, happy little souls. I genuinely am just worried about the health situation, and wondered if other people would be too and what you might do.

Thanks for the replies x

Sorry that should say brothers ex partner*

Going on your update- she’s a single mum of two, and is probably trying to pick her battles.

If I was that bothered, I’d just ask her outright- do the dc not like wearing long trousers? You’ll probably find that she rolls her eyes and says they just prefer shorts and a t shirt.

Her three year old is probably quite definite about what she will and won’t wear. I find it far easier to let my three year old go out without a coat or jumper and then once she gets cold, she asks for it or I else suggest it and she then usually happily wears the extra layers. It saves both of us a battle because ultimately she feel that she got to choose what she wears (and control is important to a three year old) and I know she has the option of being warmer as soon as she wants it.

You know the easiest thing is just to ask in a non judgemental way, “why do the children not get cold ?” Or “do they like wearing tee shirts.” Let her tell you why rather than jumping to assumptions and being judgy.

It’s not that uncommon for kids to dislike warm clothes. Plus they run around. I was without a coat today. Which meant a tee shirt.

I get that breathing cold air’s uncomfortable when your lungs aren’t great, but will being wrapped up actually stop your niece getting chest infections? Isn’t that a myth?

Sounds like I'm probably being a bit over the top, I'll keep my snout out! Thanks a lot for the replies x

The kids would be complaining their heads off if they were too cold. If they’re not, and she’s a great mum, then trust her judgement.

@LellyMcKelly that's a good point. I feel like an arse for starting this thread now tbh!

Today my DD(3) went to nursery in a short sleeved dress and asked in the afternoon if she could take it off and just wear her vest and leggings.

DS(6) went to holiday club in shorts with a puffa jacket.

I haven’t got time to argue about it, so they always have more suitable clothes in a little backpack (probably been the same change of clothes for a year because they will not be defeated)!

I feel the cold. Dh is always hot. Our usual home attire is thermals vest and two jumpers for me and t-shirt and shorts for dh.

Our kids take more after him. We have a hilarious photo of us going cycling last weekend with me dressed for the Arctic with a massive coat and scarves, dh in a t-shirt and kids in no coats but a jumper. Take dh out of the picture and I look very neglectful!