Two years on...One step forward/Five back

[user1471564834]

Before I give my abridged version of my struggles, and ask for your advice, I just want to say how amazing this forum is and what (as a long time lurker) brilliant responses on numerous threads I've read from many, many wonderful women (and a few men) on here - Thank you Mumsnet, you really have been a great lifeline over the past two years!

So, my life...Two years ago my (not so) DP decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore and left me to raise our (then) 8 month old DS totally alone.

We had met (online) and fallen fast for each other - He moved in with me (not long after meeting) and I conceived very quickly after that. Being a mum was never really on my radar tbh and I had spent my thirties building my career, so when I met my ex at 43 (who was thirteen years younger than myself), we had many conversations about the age gap and our 'future plans' and mutually agreed that creating a family together was what we both wanted, so decided to throw caution to the wind. I conceived (for the first and only time in my life) very quickly and our son was born just a year and a half after we met...

In hindsight (what a wonderful thing), it was an intense whirlwind relationship, which never had the secure foundations of 'true love', despite me believing that was what we had found in each other...He simply decided (once the dynamics of our life together changed post childbirth) that family life/me wasn't for him. I was devastated.

Within an obscenely short time he had moved on (and in with) another 'older' woman (and her teenage son ). Yes, the guy has a distinct pattern! This set forth months of broken promises and lies to continue to be a part of our son's life and caused enormous heartache for me - Something which I have had counselling for.

I have just dug deep, relied heavily on my amazing (though elderly) parents for support and continued to put one foot in front of the other each day to ensure our DS thrives.

Despite my ex's failings (of which there have been many, both financially and emotionally over the past two years) life has just gone on. I work full-time (50+ hr week) in a highly demanding industry to provide the very best I can for our DS and (like all the other amazing single mums out there) struggle daily to keep all the plates spinning.

Our DS is now a wonderful/though exhausting toddler and two years on from being left to basically sink by my ex, I am still just navigating my way through each and every day the best I can.

I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. I still feel very bitter over what happened and I still feel deeply bruised that I put my faith and love into someone who has treated me appallingly. I've remained single (though have recently dipped my toes back into the murky waters of online dating). My life is just the relentless wheel of working and single motherhood.

My ex is still with the OW...He only see's our DS as and when he chooses (I've never, nor would ever, deny access). He is simply an insignificant 'parent', who lives an hour and a half from our child and provides no parental support to our son. I am a lone parent. He pays the bare minimum maintenance.

Over the past two years many months have passed by with NC between us (at his instigation), and no visits to our child, then he raises himself from behind his rock and bleats about his 'rights' (sigh) and so we get back on the merry-go-round of having to see each other when he comes to visit our DS.

I guess my reason for writing is that I'm so sick (and bored with myself) for still feeling so deeply aggrieved/bitter by what's happened to my life, whilst my ex has (apparently) found his soulmate and life is grand for him. Karma is taking a long ol' time to come a knocking!

Ultimately (and yes that cliche) I know that time is a healer, the only real healer, but still, after two long, relentless years of picking myself up off the floor and moving forward - I really don't feel that I have moved forward very much...I'd love to hear from any others who have ridden the hideous wave of betrayal, been left a single parent and come out the other side.

I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom that 'tomorrow's another day' and it'll be a good one, because right now I just don't feel like my life will ever be the way I want it to be...and I'm just thoroughly sick to death of it just being the same daily struggle.

I'm sorry about how you're feeling. I'm afraid I've not been in your exact shoes. I'm slightly older, childless and my ex (of one year) has just ended our relationship. I fell hard for this one.

It's my 7th serious relationship and the pain of a break up doesn't get any easier. Ex BF of 5 years met his now wife within months of breaking up with me and had a child and married shortly after. I hold a lot of resentment towards him even though I have zero feelings for him.

BF no.1 would take me back in a heartbeat and he's married. BF no.3 died many years after we ended. The rest are still single as far as I know. BF no.6 just contacted me out of the blue last week. I wouldn't reignite a relationship with any of them (well apart from most recent of course, if we can find a way back).

I'm afraid, you're right and time is the only thing that help's. I keep going by knowing I will eventually get my mojo back. If I didn't, I would have stopped trying after BF no.1!

user1471 You've done an amazing job of being a great supportive loving responsible parent, providing everything your son needs and essentially doing two incredibly demanding full time jobs at once. It's normal, reasonable and a healthy human response to feel anger at the actions of your ex.
Please forgive me for saying though, that whilst you say you'd "never ever" deny access, (you clearly have your son's best interests and welfare at heart) there might be detrimental effects for your son regarding the long term implications of your exs choice to flit in and out of your son's life? - Many resident parents find that an inconsistent non-resident parent causes emotional and resulting behavioural issues for their children and that consistent contact is predictable and more settled for children. I'm sorry that he decided to treat you and your son this way. Best wishes

I'm in a similar situation, OP. The backstory is different and I now have a wonderful partner, but the non contact, the anger and the exhaustion of looking after 2 messed up children on my own is the same, while holding down a demanding job.

I'm starting counselling next week as, after a year of no contact with the littlest one I'm now at a crossroads re whether any contact at all, moving forward, is a good thing. It's a big decision to make and I need to be in a better place in my head to make it.

Not much advice, I'm afraid, other than hang in there..

Thank you Getmyfrownupsidedown to the getting my mojo back! i've heard the phrase "to get over, you need to get under" quite a bit on here and although not looking to rebound (as my heart is sadly still flattened) a bit of fun would be most welcome . I'm sorry that you find yourself with heartache, it really is the most debilitating of things

Thank you Sistersofmercy101 - Your kind remarks made me well up (such kindness from strangers), and I agree that the inconsistency for my DS isn't the way forward. However, I just don't want to ever have to look my son in the eye and say that I ever stopped his father seeing him - From all I've read I know that ultimately our children learn pretty quick who is really there for them and who loves them unconditionally. My ex has no bond nor real relationship with our child and totally missed the transition from baby to little boy, a time that you can never get back, so I do know who the true 'loser' is.

How lovely Soopermum1 that you have met a worthy partner, that's positive to hear. I'm sorry that you too find yourself having to navigate past an absent, inconsistent (non) parent, it really is the toughest bloody job in the world raising children alone, so to you and best wishes for the counselling.

@user1471564834 I wouldn't say I'm a fan of getting under to get over haha There were years and years between each relationship :)

I took time to focus on self development through travel mainly and - I thought - making myself more resilient. I just meant that I know I want love and so will pick myself up, dust myself off and keep trying no matter the pain of a failed relationship. Because I know that time will heal that pain eventually.

But what I would say is try to let go of the bitterness, he doesn't deserve more of your time

Yes, I know that bitterness is the pill that only keeps hurting me and that whilst I do still feel so wronged by his shitty choices, they were his alone to make and in life no-one can live someone else's. I do recognise that I need to adjust my thoughts and realise that the life he now lives I really do have very little awareness of the reality of it and it may not be as 'rosy' as he paints it

I just know that if my circumstances were different and I had just been dumped in the usual manner of things (and not left to cope totally alone with a baby) that by now I would have dusted myself down and moved on wards. I just feel so completely shackled by single motherhood.

I'm 47 and my life is just work / being a single parent / barely sleeping, as I haven't been blessed with a sleeper / work / being a single parent..... Childcare costs the earth and as I'm working 50+ hrs a week I spend precious little quality time with my DS as it is, so to offload him at weekends whilst I pursue any 'hobby' or (please god perhaps) 'date' is offset by another round of feeling mummy guilt!

I just feel so bloody world weary by life...Despite the joy that motherhood does (mostly) bring. Sorry to sound glum x

I'm 47 too and I would love to have a child to share my life with. I always think that if I can't grow old with a partner, at least I'll have the love of a child. I've even looked at my options to conceive.

But I do understand your weariness, I have a friend in the same position as you. Think we're just preconditioned to always want what we don't have.

I felt the most exhausted when I had a non sleeping toddler and I was married at the time so I think you are overwhelmed which is completely understandable but it will get easier, I promise.
It took till around 4 years old for my son to settle and for life to feel less demanding. I think 2 years post separation is still relatively early days, it can take anywhere between 2-4 years for a significant relationship but I think you are more exhausted from parenting than the break up.

Could you consider an pair for when he starts school? Helps lower costs and can be a great help.

Sounds trite but practice gratitude each evening.. Being the only parent means you have no controlling Ex around, that is an enormous benefit plus you get to parent as you want.

Life will get easier. Find something each week to make you happy and allow yourself to not feel guilt.
Is there a chance to change/reduce job hours in the future?

I get the guilt thing as now I am a working single parent but once they are older you will know you have done a good job.

Thanks lifebegins50 - I appreciate your empathy for my sleep deprived state of mind. Yes, the phrase "it does get easier" is something all my mum friends have said to me...Just getting through it is so damn hard though as it alters your mindset to everything else when you're so thoroughly exhausted!

I have considered an Au pair, yes, but I'm not sure if 'live-in' help is really for me...I haven't totally written the option off though, as I do recognise that carrying the weight of total responsibility for EVERYTHING is taking its toll.

Reducing my working hours isn't an option, unless I change jobs completely and tbh my career has kept me sane and been my anchor over the past two years, despite the long hours involved. Plus it pays me a healthy living and as I'm the sole provider for our child (the ex pays the bare minimum maintenance), it allows me to make choices for our lifestyle that I otherwise wouldn't be able to do. It also gives me an identity beyond being 'Mummy', which I also really, really need.

The mummy guilt is something I struggle to reconcile though, when I do get any precious time to myself and I know that this is all in my head.

I guess what is at the crux of my sadness/bitterness/despair over my own future is that the ex has seemingly moved on to a peach of a life with the OW, free from any parental responsibilities, free to go out/on holiday whenever he chooses and appears to now be the man to her, that he never was to me and that really, really pisses me off!!