Is there a prejudice towards survivors of DV?

[Canthearthroughmyglasses]

I am one of those who have left really volatile relationships/marriage where I was subjected to DV for a few years. I am quite normal, vivacious and indipendet individual who does lots of sports and works hard.

I recently left my partner who was really abusive but very cunning when it came to abusing me and I doubted myself and wether it was abuse, but once he turned physical towards me I broke the relationship off, he was a great head worker.

I have had to speak with friends, family and employers regarding the abuse and I have come across a realisation that there is a lot of stigma towards survivors of DV and a lot of people I have spoken with, of both sexes have expressed things such as “why did you put up with it?” Or, “you must be a complete walkover to let him do that”, to “what did you say to him for him to react that way”, and last I have been blamed and then received the quiet attitude of “well you must like it seeing you keep finding these men” but I can assure anyone who I have ever confided in, or anyone who reads this, that I am indeed very strong, independent and no nonsense individual with good ethos and not once did I like being abused.

I simply got sucked into a situation that was so confusing. I didn’t even know it was abuse until a family member informed me.

It has been a sad realisation that people see me as somehow weaker or of less intellect for allowing DV to happen?

Those of you who have been subjected to DV, is this how you feel as well?

This has changed me as a person and I feel that I should not be open about this issue when the subject arises.

I'm nearly 12 years out of a physically and emotionally abusive marriage and I am still embarrassed and don't speak about it much due to this. I'm aware that it's my issue but over a decade later I'm still affected. I think someone who has never been in the situation can't understand.

I am sorry you too were subjected to abuse. It changes you. I wish there was more understanding. And not remarks such as I should grow a back bone and not be so “kind” like that is going to change an individual who abuses or has narsisistic tendencies. An abuser always wants control, and it’s not what you say or do that will just swift that sort of man/woman into a better person, and make them realise that they in fact are abusive. If I ever retaliated or defended myself it just got worse.

I think that many people who have never experienced an abusive relationship might find it hard to understand why women don't 'just leave'. I pretty much had that attitude myself before reading the relationship board on MN tbh.

I'm an intelligent and generally sympathetic person, and I wouldn't have been 'prejudiced against' women who'd been in abusive relationships, but until I joined MN I had no proper understanding of why they stayed in them. I think public awareness has massively increased in recent years though, so one would hope people were becoming more understanding.

@slow, thank you. I have come across stigma where I have been made to feel stupid when disclosing what was happening, ranging from police officers who clearly didn’t understand why I didn’t just put a stop to the abuser and got rid. To family members and friends.
It’s the stalking, and turning up at my house all hours that I was scared off, I felt powerless towards my abuser who didnt want to let go of the relationship after I broke it off. It’s the unknown that is the scary part.

Wow people actually said that to you? I don't think I would have been able to control my response to that level of ignorance...shocking

Let's hope they don't ever find themselves on the receiving end of it!

The thing people don't realise about abusers is that they're not abusive all the time, and the victim is caught in a cycle of cat and mouse trauma bonding.

This keeps you stuck in a situation that leaves you in a permanent state of second guessing yourself and minimising.

Don't dwell on what's happened or people's ridiculous responses to it. Take it as a very unpleasant and unfortunate life experience that's taught you what you will never tolerate, ever again.

Red flag radars come in handy

Hugs and

I think what they don’t t appreciate is that the abuse is pernicious it’s never full on from day 1, or we woul all walk away. By the time you realise it’s a pattern of behaviour you are so embroiled it’s very difficult to see the woods for the trees.
And because you question the reality, you allow yourself to minimise- everyone can be a prat/lose it/selfish etc.
I am at odds with the label being on the woman or kids tbh. We have murderers, thieves, rapists, con artist and then... victims of domestic abuse???

I would object to this label next time it comes up. Correct them, it doesn’t define you - it defines HIM. You were in a relationship where your partner became abusive and when you spotted the pattern and got support you left. If they ask why you stayed so long, tell them it wasn’t your behaviour that was the problem, you left when you did, end of story.

I had a lovely former boss who had been in a DV relationship. She had always had a good career, with enough money to have a good life alone and no kids or other dependents to worry about traumatising/supporting. Hearing her story really brought it home to me how DV messes with the victim's head and reduces confidence slowly as the abuser tries to keep control.

Best of luck going forward, ignorant people should be ingnored.

I'm sorry you've experienced this. I'm also a survivor(Not victim) of DV. Anybody I've trusted enough to tell have been nothing but supportive and kind.

Unless someone has been in our situation,it's difficult to comprehend why we stay until ''that moment'' we snap and find the strength and courage to leave/call the police/ask for help.

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend by using the word victim, I just think that’s how it is often framed.
I also survived a childhood of domestic violence and emotional abuse. I thought I could see through these bullies and managed to have two, happy but ran their course, very long term relationships before being drawn in by a seemingly nice guy who turned abusive.
So even if you think you know how to spot the signs, it just depends how subtle and sneaky they are.
I too have only spoken irl to a very small number of people and they’ve been supportive towards me, but maybe when it affects your work you have to disclose it and that environment is not less so? Maybe they are trying to understand by asking questions but it just annoys me that the ones accountable seem to overlooked.
Again, sorry if I offended anyone

I suppose the problem is when there's a pattern. We can be supportive and non judgemental when a friend or family member tells us when they're in that situation but until then the current culture of 'beak out' means that we daren't interfere.

But my DSis has had three emotionally abusive relationships. She never learns. She always finds people that need 'fixing'. Doesn't want anybody 'boring' ie not a challenge. Until its over she won't accept that there's anything wrong with them. So patience wears thin.

I've found this, however I've been watching a YouTube channel and the youtuber is speaking very openly about her abuse from childhood through to what am assuming is going into hard hitting emotional abuse. She suffers with complex PTSD and a heart condition as a result.

It's a breath of fresh air seeing someone tackle that stigma,

Hope you are doing well

*mentallyfucked” Im in awe of this strength and bravery. You spend so many years hiding, camouflaging and normalising childhood abuse that breaking the facade is an almost insurmountable feat.
I can’t remember the term my counsellor used but I was reduced to my childlike emotional response state by my ex during a particularly horrible event and diagnosed with PTSD. After starting counselling for that, it became clear to me that my ex was actually a narcissistic bully. I began to see through the manipulation while he was deploying it and that (along with amazing support on here) gave me the strength to leave.

can you share the name of the channel?

It is a lot easier to believe that bad things happen to people because of something they do wrong.

Because then you are safe. It won’t happen to you.

Accepting that terrible things can happen to good, kind, sensible, ordinary people - people who are just like me - is really really hard. As you then have to “face your own mortality”.

Amytwinehouse sure its justnicoleuk she had a slightly viral video last year regarding another youtuber. I followed back then and her new video just floored me.

She does have trigger warnings at the beginning of the video as her childhood was particularly horrific. I do like the way she had handled the video, mostly in silhouettes with a voiceover on top.

Beautifully basic in a sense,

I think it speaks to me because not many people speak about the physical elements of emotional abuse, it's always brushed aside in a way.

When we are know abuse=scars no matter how hidden they are.

When I recount things that my ex said or did I wonder myself why I stuck it out so long. But if course mixed in with the abuse (mine wasn't physical) there are good times, 'love ' etc plus by the time you realise you have kids, may depend on them financially and in my case couldn't trust him to look after young children either.

These people aren't stupid. They don't show their true colours until they have you trapped or more tied to them anyway.

And I am intelligent, educated, strong, opinionated etc but I didn't know about abuse in a non physical way so didn't spot the red flags (which now that I know about this, I can think back and they were there from the beginning). I had a happy childhood, my parents love and respect each other and that made me quite innocent of what could be out there.

Being blunt, I think most people can't conceive of being in such a position.

The same way "they" would never be conned/scammed.

It happens to "other" people.

It's also why domestic abuse is far too prevalent be

Sorry....

Because of the "shame" of admitting it.

Personally I think there is a lot of awareness that needs to be communicated about how DV manifests itself.

Many people don't understand how abusers undermine their target - cut off from family, friends etc.. Financial alienation is also common.

It's easy to say "it wouldn't happen to me".

So yes, I do think people judge.

Is it fair?

No.

I agree, you hear so many shouts of LTB but by the time the elements of abuse line up, you're trapped. Most of the time the abuser has been spinning another narrative so even if you do speak out people already believe the fake life the abuser has portrayed.

Why are we ashamed though, deep deep down we know we have done nothing wrong. We know we didn't deserve it. The only consultation I have is I can teach my daughter the lessons I wish I knew before it happened (when the time is right obviously)

Yes I've had this. I was in a terrible relationship where he alienated all my friends, stopped me contacting my family unless he was there to listen in, and ended up forcing me into prostitution via adultwork (threatened violence to my family and was violent to me) he tried to kill me when I left. I've had police tell me I must have enjoyed it on some level. People have told me the sex must have been good for me to stay that long. I lost friends for good when I told them what had happened because they didn't trust me with their partners! And I've been asked so many times why I didn't just leave.
Because when I did just leave, he took an Iron bar to my head.
When it went to court, the judge told me I should have tried to leave sooner because I was a grown woman and my abusers lawyer told the court I lied for a living (prostitution) so why would anyone believe me now? They didn't believe me and he walked.
So yes, I completely understand where you're coming from. I don't tell anyone in real life any more.