Emotionally detached?

[NoGrief]

7 years ago, my grandma died; I was forced to permanently cut contact with my mother and my dad died (all within months of each other). When I was 37, I became the oldest member of the family. There are no aunts, uncles, cousins...

I'm far emotionally stronger than I was. But I'm also emotionally shut off now. I love my children but I'm unable to form emotional attachments to anyone else. I have very few friends who I see rarely and struggle to connect with when I do. I'm consistently single and even when I've had brief relationships, I've still regarded myself as single. I didn't experience any 'grief' when my grandma or dad died. I'm not able to love or be loved. I've had counselling and some therapy but it hasn't really had any impact.

I met someone a few months ago and, whilst I like him and he seems to like me, I can't trust any of it. I could walk away at any time.

I have fond memories of my grandma, but I don't miss her. I only really think of my dad when I have something practical to do in the house and I know he'd have had the answer. I'm no longer angry with my mother - I pity her if anything - but I don't miss her.

I'm not depressed, I feel happy and sad appropriately, I enjoy things still. But I really struggle with emotional attachments.

I feel like I have strong boundaries; I can spot a red flag at 100 paces and have no issue in walking away from unhealthy interactions but I do wonder if sometimes I'm too 'hard' and unforgiving. I've been told I am before by friends. And that I keep people at arms length. But I don't know how to be otherwise.

And I always feel scared and unsafe. I'm always fearful. Everything scares me. I worry about everything - but none of it is without basis.

I'd love to feel safe. I'd like to experience love. I don't know, I'm just really feeling it today. Partly because I had a friend over last night and I found it really hard and partly because I can feel myself 'falling away' from the man I've started seeing without any real reason to do so.

I used to feel like you describe. It was as though I could only interact with other people for so long then a veil came down between me and them and any connection was lost.

I'd guess that the counselling didn't work for you because you just weren't ready to open up and expose your innermost thoughts and feelings. It's very hard to do when you've been emotionally closed off for so long because that's where you feel safe and it's frightening to take even one step towards others.

Sometimes I still feel emotionally closed off like I don't belong anywhere but a combination of counselling, anti-depressants and getting older has changed my outlook. One day I woke up and realised that I didn't want to live the rest of my life in an emotional fog like this.

Thanks, does.

I recognise that 'veil' metaphor very well! That's exactly how I feel.

I've had counselling on and off for so many years... The last time I tried, 2 or 3 years ago, I was told I had a lot of insight into my situation but none of the strategies they used worked.

I'm quite open about how I am, how I feel and how it came about. I just don't seem to be able to change it.

I've also had anti depressants. Like I say, I'm not depressed. Anti depressents didn't really change the way I felt about myself.

If anything, the emotional closed off ness is getting worse. It's almost like the longer it goes on, the more comfortable and permanent it becomes.

Tbh, I think it's the constant fear/lack of safety around life in general that is worse.