Advice on my relationship, I'm at a loss.

[Keekee96]

Hi, I'm new to this, but I really don't know what I hope to gain from this but I have nobody to talk too and I think I need other people's perspectives on my situation.
I've been with my BF for about 5 years now. I'm 22 and he is 36. I've always pictured myself as broken, deep down I know that I can't have that fairytale ending or true love. I've just always felt that I'm incapable of being loved and also perhaps loving another. But I diverse, anyhow at the start of our relationship I was literally obsessed with him and him with me, I honestly thought I'd found my happily ever after, real love. It was completely different from my past relationships and granted I'd only had one past relationship before hand the lasted 4 and a half years from the age of 12 to 16 and a bit. But I could completely trust him, I felt no need to delve in to his past relationships, I didn't feel jealous at all of anybody with him, I wasn't ever concerned that he would cheat on me, I didn't even have the slightest notion to check his phone. You know? I mean I honestly thought that this was it, this is the man I'm going to love and spend the rest of my life with, he literally made me the happiest I've ever been in my lifetime and most importantly he made me feel safe, secure. Now we're 5 years down the line and everything's changed. I think it would be 2 years in to our relationship when I started noticing the cracks in our relationship, he barely complimented me anymore, paid no attention to me when we where together, he'd happily sit in silence most of the time, he just wanted to sit in the house and sleep most of the time if he was not working, if I asked him to do something it always seemed like I was being such an inconvenience. He didn't like my music taste so I wasn't allowed to play it in the house because it annoyed and pissed him off. It wasn't that I wasn't aloud I just didn't do because I knew the repercussions of my actions. He would be in a fowl mood all day. He didn't like any of my friends, so I don't have any anymore, it just saves me having him annoyed that I had them in our house or that I went out with them. Our sex life suffered a lot too, he could no longer stay hard or cum when we had sex, and he never ever attempted sex with me, I always had to initiate it. He would always tell me he was too tired or he had cramp so we couldn't have sex and that was the end of the conversation. For me I took it pretty hard on myself. At first I thought maybe it was weight, I mean I was a size 6 in clothes at that time, so having issues with my body and self confidence I wanted to get myself down to 4/5stone, I thought maybe my weight was the reason he got cramp, I was too heavy or fat. So I started the gym and mauy Thai. I trained 4 hours a day at mauy Thai and I done 3 hours of the gym too in between my shifts at work. I'd literally wake from 5am and not stop or have a break it was continuous till I went to bed at 11/12 at night. I done this for a few months then decided I would try and initiate sex again, I had lost some weight during this time and felt a little bit more confident with myself, again the same excuses and same mishaps happened. So after that time I took it even harder, I mean I literally tried to kill myself from exhaustion I just wanted to keep pushing myself and pushing myself. I didn't want to go back home, why? To what? Silence and a terrible atmosphere, it just made me more determined to work myself in to the ground and spend as much time away from the home and himself. God the self loathing I had for myself, everybody at my work could see how drained and exhausted I was they where all concerned so I has to stop before people started asking questions, I wasn't ready to answer. Yes I know in hindsight seems silly. I just didn't want to admit to myself that I wasn't enough to keep him happy and content. So from their I started drinking almost everyday. I mean majority of the time I was literally black out drunk, and If I couldn't drink on a certain day because of circumstances I literally could not contain myself till the weekend when I could just get out of my own head and forget everything, from their I started to self harm and take drugs and drink an awful lot. I just had so much going on in my head and I wanted it all to stop, I wanted to not feel a thing, have no concern, I wanted to stop hating myself. I pulled myself out of this for a few months, but I became utterly and completely low and depressed without all these substances and distractions I just hated myself again. And now we're 5 years in, and my anxiety is hitting the roof. We tried having a normal sex life, same issues still. I try to motivate myself to do better next time because eve convinced myself I'm the problem. He says he loves me and that literally all he says to me throughout the day. But my self esteem is non existent, I've found myself trying to gain access to his phones and computer to see what he's been doing, trying to look in to his past relationships and find out about the other women in his past. I am turning myself in to a psychotic hot mess. I feel worthless, I hate that I'm complaining about something so trivial but it feels like the end of the world for me. I finally wrote him a letter telling how about how he makes me feel and the fact it drove me to delve in to his past. He read it and has ignored me all day. He's neither denied nor confirmed anything I wrote and I'm sitting in bed writing this because I don't know what else to do. Sorry for how long this. I just didn't know how to explain what I'm going through. Thanks in advance for your replys.

This is a very unhealthy relationship. What is your relationship like with your family?

Why are you still in a relationship with him? He's making you utterly miserable. I see you were 17 when you met him, he was 31 - you were a child.

I have no contact with my mother due to past issues and I occasionally talk and see my father. I don't really talk to anybody regularly. It's just myself, the kids and him.

I sense that you had a lot of issues growing up and you don’t know what a good relationship looks like. I also worry about your very young age when you got together and the fact that he is no longer interested in you sexually. That rings massive alarm bells for me.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

The relationship is over and you need to move on. Hes awful. He started seeing you when you were 17 and he was 31? That's pretty grim in itself really (sorry). And since then, hes been a controlling nasty fuckwit who ignores you and won't have sex with you. Honestly. This is very VERY over. Its nothing to do with you and not your fault at all.

Is there anywhere you can go?

I think you should leave him.

I do not think that you can blame him for your drug abuse.

I have always had a fear of investing so much of my time and energy in to something that I feel I just have to push through with it, I do love him, he is the first person I've ever thought of as proper love, and I suppose I just hope that he loves me back. We have a lot together, we have 2 children, one previously from my past relationship and one is his, we also have a mortgage. And I wouldn't even know where to start on my again. I've thought about leaving a lot of times, and when we approach the subject he declares his undying love for me, and that he only ever wanted to make my life easier, he cries and I always end up staying. We wake up the next morning like nothing happened. I've mastered how to hide my emotions from a young age, and to only show people what they want to see, as if nothing phases me.

You are basing your entire self esteem on how he feels about you, trust me, you are worth far more than that. Be kind to yourself, you deserve that. Stop damaging yourself to please him, get healthy and happy, this man is not the be all and end all, you are.

You have to end this relationship. It sounds as if it's over anyway. He's isolated you from your friends and sounds toxic. Move on. Get help for your drinking and drug use. Ask for therapy to address your disordered eating and compulsive exercising.

Life can be so much better than this.

All's you have to do is read over what you just wrote to everyone here and ask yourself, do you really want to live your life with someone who treats you like that?

Yeah I get the feeling too that you're basing your self-worth on how he feels for you and making everything about what he feels.
He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just not the best choice for settling down with as it doesn't seem as if he wants to put in much effort.

After the initial dating and honeymoon period wears off the relationship ends for so many couples. If any guy tries to tell a girl that they are as interested in them sexually the same as when they first met, they're liars. The difference is that the relationships that survive are the ones with couples that try and make an effort to make the other feel special. If you're both sitting in silence and have nothing to talk about you clearly don't share similar values.

We've been married over 15 years, and yes the sex wears off, its not always a mad passionate love session like when we first met and thats fine, for both of us. But I can't imagine sitting in silence, we still have conversations that challenge eachother, that discuss a wide range of topics, we rely on one another for advice, compassion, confidence, and we can often talk until way too late for getting up early the next work day.

Forget sex, no conversation; its over, whats the point or reason for the relationship. Really, there is no relationship. Find a man who you are equal to in terms of the values you both have. Otherwise you'll find yourself in the same situation again and again. I would always advise finding a man who valued marriage, but of course this alone wouldn't be a good bet so would depend whats important to you.

Men these days have been used to having multiple sexual partners so Ive long thought this leads to a point that come the time they enter into a relationship there comes a time their subconscious isn't getting the variety they've become used to so lose interest sexually in the same sexual partner. I think its very very rare that its the partner they're with that is the problem so there's no need to feel its anything to do with you personally with regards to sex or anything else. Just put it down to poor choice of partner and dont jump into anything else until you know they're right. And as a woman, sex can often make things feel right but in fact is a very poor indicator of a good long term partner, so try to exclude that when considering.

@Keekee96 he is the first person I've ever thought of as proper love

Obviously that would be the case, You're 22 bloody years old and you met him in your teens...! Almost everyone thinks that of the person they are with at age 22... and they're generally wrong about it, thank fuck.

You talk about how much time you've invested etc... you're 22! I left my marriage when I was 10 years older than you, after almost 15 years with my ex and I have started over and have a lovely partner who actually likes me. Imagine that! The guy you're with now doesn't seem fond of you at all so why say with him?

My advice to you - go to CAB, entitledto, etc and just have a look at what you COULD do.

I'll also say this. If you stay in this situation, realise that as your children get older you'll be making it harder and harder for them not to be affected by their fathers behavior. The earlier you make a fresh start, the more time your DC have to be in a less shit environment. Which will save them from the full extent of emotional.problems that would come from spending an entire childhood in the mess you describe. Xx

You need to end this relationship before it eats you from the inside out. Your entanglement with this man is the root cause of...

An eating disorder
Alcohol abuse
Drug abuse

I don't need to tell you this is very serious

You may have invested a lot in the relationship, but common sense has to prevail here. End the relationship before you are ruined.

You should also seek counselling ASAP to address the victim mentality (not said in spiteful way), and dependency on the approval of others.

The absolute priority right now is ending this relationship and getting the help you need. You need to be in a fit state to parent your children, and clearly this relationship does not accommodate that.

You really need to both leave him, and get some help with your mental health. This is not a good environment for your DC to grow up in!

You have obviously been through a very hard time, but in all your post all about what he thinks and the effect it has had.
You need to get some real life help to deal with your weight/drugs and alcohol issues which could cause you lasting harm if you don't address them, and also to get some supportive help and someone to talk to about your marriage issues. Its a big age gap and you are not thriving in this environment so I do hope you find someone, Relate, or anyone who can help you sort through all these issues for your children's sake as well as yours. You are in a difficult situation, its a lot for just one person to cope with on their own and I hope you manage to find some help to work through these problems.

This isn't healthy at all, ignoring you instead of talking. What has he said when you lost weight? When you were drinking? Does he notice anything? I would end this relationship and build a new life, maybe look into counselling. Keep posting on here, if you need guidance or someone to talk to

Aside from anything else, who looked after your child whilst you spent 3/4 hours a day at the gym on top of work, and again whilst you were drunk all day (+ at work?!)

As well as SouthernComforts question....

If you met this guy aged 16/17, what age did you have your first child?

OP, there is one truth that remains consistent:

We learn about relationships from the family we grew up in.

We will tend to repeat this relationship model - in one form or another - until we seek active intervention that helps us change. Counselling or therapy is effective in doing this, if you're able to give it a try.

Unfortunately, those who need it most are also the least likely to feel able to ask for it, or to organise themselves enough to commit to it. Can you do this for yourself? I really hope you can.