As a married man with DC, who has cheated before

[Alondonleerie]

(on his wife, then long term live in partner), is it appropriate to walk around a city hand in hand with a female colleague, in the company of her female friend and another male colleague?

On the way to a bar.

I think we all know what the answer is ....

I think that perhaps their partner is focussing on the wrong the wrong thing and should consider why they are choosing to be with someone who is clearly untrustworthy. This particular incident of hand-holding probably isn't their biggest issue.

I don’t understand, is he in a current relationship with the person he’s holding hands with? Who are you to the married man with dc? Sorry not enough info to guess

Sorry if I've misunderstood OP, but do you mean he's in a supposedly monogamous relationship to someone other than the colleague?

If yes, then it's definitely not appropriate*. I have to say the times in my life when I've held hands with anyone has been when we've just started having sex.

If you're his partner, I'm sorry.

*On the very small off chance, is he Nigerian? If so, holding hands is not a romantic gesture, just a friendly one. This may also be true for other nations that I don't have personal experience of.

nooooooo nooooooo and nooooooo.

dump. find self respect. fuck that idiot off .

@NotTheFordType Egyptians do it too

I’m British and get I’ve held drunken hands with colleagues on nights out (not saying this is innocent in this case) I still don’t understand the OPs relationship here

He's my husband, cheated on me before we got engaged but I only recently found out. He was on deployment abroad a few years ago while we were married with DC, who I was looking after back home. Colleague apparently initiated holding his hand, but he did nothing to stop it. They had all had a few drinks prior to this, and he is defensive because he says he didn't think anything of it at the time and it only lasted five minutes (but as he didn't drop her hand it could have gone on for any length of time). It came out the other day as part of the so called trickle truth, months after he had to admit his cheating. After he's still been telling me I knew everything, but I apparently didn't. I am so bitterly disappointed that he didn't have better boundaries he knew he'd cheated, even if I didn't.
And I'm still left wondering what else I haven't yet heard, which he will now decide to take to the grave. Because he only admitted cheating after the ow told me, I have been on his back not to trickle truth as it is so damaging. I have a strong feeling he chose a few relatively innocent things to mollify me, rather than actually come clean.

No, we are both Brits, as was the twit who held his hand. When I asked her about it in the hopes of an honest answer about the extent of it, she didn't admit it but blocked me after the q, saying it was inappropriate because he was her boss, and twice her age. So she shouldn't have done it then, should she? It seems that the stereotype of the naval personnel being cheats and liars is all too true, based on my limited experience. And how likely is it that the small percentage I have interacted with are the only dodgy ones in there? Not v, in all probability.

It was Sydney, Australia. They didn't need to wear a jacket so they're hardly likely to have held hands to keep them warm.
What the hell was he thinking.

Not sure what he was thinking, but wondering why you have stayed with him knowing this?

I'm so sorry OP. How awful. He sounds a completely untrustworthy dick. He doesn't deserve wife and family literally ltb.

You deserve far more than his cheating lying arse.

Justagirl as I said, I found out recently, and the holding hands bit literally the other night. In a perfectly fair world I would have the resources and support to just walk out with my DC when I found out about continued shitty behavior, but it's not that easy, is it?

I've held hands with very close friends when drunk but I don't think I've ever done it with colleagues. I've linked arms with everyone when drunk.

I think only you know how you feel about it. DH and I don't have trust issues because we have no reason to and this makes a big difference.

Yes its appropriate............if he's divorced!

The only way a man would hold hands with a female work colleague is if they're in a relationship, I think you know this and are just trying to check if anyone would think its normal because you're looking for any reason to tell yourself its a normal senario, as opposed to what you know deep down.

Its a sad situation, he doesn't sound like the best role model for any kids that may be in the picture either. You either 1. Accept that you are his wife to all intents and purposes but that he's going to date and have sex with other woman as and when. Or 2. Divorce him. Move on and choose wiser next time.

Whatever you do, its your choice, as long as you don't expect him to change. Men like this don't know how to treat women and aren't responsible enough to deserve a decent wife.

I've never cheated on my DH and neither has he with me. I had a really stupid polyamory thing with a younger guy that my husband knew about when we were first married, but I was manic and high as a kite. Not condoning it, just explaining it. DH knew the whole time and accepted it. I however, feel guilty as hell and will never do it again. I'm properly medicated now and I have reinvested in my relationship with DH and we are the best we have ever been.

When I was younger, I took the advice of my idiot mother and told my ex that he could cheat on me as long as he wore a condom, didn't get her pregnant, didn't fall in love with her, didn't let me know about it and didn't take her to a baseball game. I found out later that my mothers awful advice was because she was a horrible cheater so of course, she'd say that.

Now, there's no way I'd cheat on DH. He is easily the best thing in my life. And, has literally saved my life countless times. There's no way I could hurt him that way.

So, to answer your question, no, I wouldn't accept it, and neither should you.

I think you know this and are just trying to check if anyone would think its normal because you're looking for any reason to tell yourself its a normal senario, as opposed to what you know deep down.
No, I very strongly think it is inappropriate, I wondered if I was overreacting because of the rest of the stuff I have found out. But it appears that most everyone else would also say it was inappropriate. I don't know how to process this information, because while he said if he'd seen me walking down the street holding hands with some other male (as a married woman), he would say it was inappropriate. Disturbingly, he said although he sees it as inappropriate now, at the time (a few beers down, I expect), he thought nothing of it. I'm not sure how to take that. He's saying now he knows it's inappropriate it won't happen again, but if he didn't think after a few beers, how does that help?

@wouldyouorshouldyou I didn't have any trust issues at the time either, but I'm obviously looking at it through a different lens now. If your dh had been holding hands with a colleague while (not very) drunk, what would your reaction be?

It’s not appropriate but due to his cheating any action he ever does will be scrutinised by you. Well I know that’s what I would be like which is why if my DH cheated I would have to split with him because I know myself and it would drive me insane looking for signals and any behaviour that would show the possibility of cheating.

My biggest concern is that he didn't see this as inappropriate, considering he'd told me that after he cheated, he committed fully to me. But in my mind, someone who knows what they have done would be more careful not to get into situations like that.

It's very difficult for a couple to come back and recover from cheating in general. If on top of it your husband is adding fuel to the fire it becomes a living hell.
You can't be expected to make him a list of what's inappropriate and an additional one to remind him of the first one when he's drunk.
It sounds like he's only sorry he got caught and doesn't really enforce healthy boundaries with other people (because he doesn't want to). Don't put yourself in a position of having to police his behaviour. If he can t be trusted to know right from wrong he needs to go.
I feel for you OP

I've held hands with a colleague after a few drinks and walking to a bar, but we had a flirty relationship. It's not appropriate

Thx Nc. It bugs me massively that he's said he didn't think certain things were so bad, yet if the situation was reversed and I was doing it, he would think it inappropriate. It seems that he's trying to excuse things as (he says) he never repeated shagging someone else..... As if that makes everything else OK. And it has felt like I needed to make him a list - as he's really that stupid (I don't think so), or at least he wouldn't have the excuse of thinking it wasn't inappropriate. I do see the futility and idiocy in that, of course.

It's a good job it bugs me massively so it should, you have a healthy radar.

Everything you've said about his explanations excuses of the situation really do sound bollox. Truly bollox on his part. I wouldn't trust the speaker of that kind of speak for one more instant. He speaks with a forked tongue, and you know it but don't want to believe it.