Stop me messaging him!!

[WhatDoesItMean]

So i put a post up yesterday about my ex.
In short:
He lives about 4 hours away (moved recently). This caused a strain, as although we spoke briefly about it, He had no intentions of visiting me; i would always be going out to visit him.
I broke up with him about a month ago because i felt the relationship was all about him i.e. i'd always have to be visiting him as, as mentioned previously, he said he wasnt coming home.
I went 2 weeks NC. He messaged me last week seeming really apologetic. We spoke and i thought we were fine.
We were telling each other we love each other. He said "i love you more" and "i love you so much", and was telling me how much he misses me in his life.

Naturally, i thought we could be getting back together. So the other night, i brought it up about how i'd like to work towards a relationship, especially as were long distance, it'll bring me comfort and security. And how i want to be his girlfriend basically.
And he said something along the lines of we're together but not together. We dont know what the future holds and he doesnt want the pressure of phoning and texting me.
He then claimed he had a headache and i didnt hear off him, until i messaged asking if we could speak to which he replied he still has a headache so he's not going to be staring at his phone.
I sent a reply back saying something along the lines of
I'm taking myself out of the situation. Please dont message me again in a few weeks being all apologetic. I find the way your acting unbelievable and quite disrespectful to our 5 year relationship.
I never would have treated you this way - I never kept you on a string or made you feel any confusion even when you admitted to all those times you cheated last year.
Maybe it's.more fool me but I am actually gone now. There's only so much a person can take and this was not the person i fell in love with and that's me done.

I have the standards of if somebody is erming and erring about me, then they dont deserve any of me.

But he never replied and i'm desperate to write "i dont understand :(" but i know i shouldnt!!
Please stop me. I feel so sick and tearful :,(

It will pass. Take the next couple of weeks to be kind to yourself. Get you hair done, snuggle in with relaxing soaks in the bath and some good box sets. See your family, read some good books, maybe do some little home improvements. Set yourself goals to keep busy and give yourself a sense of achievement.

OP, that sounds exactly like my ex with the silent treatment/not wanting to see me - for really stupid things too. I felt like he was almost using it as a punishment if I said or did something that didn't suit.

He also did that thing where if he was genuinely unable to see me (had his DD or I had mine or whatever) the he'd call or text almost pining and saying he wished he could come over etc. BUT when he had a free night (coinciding) he'd feel like some time alone, or be too tired, headache, stomach ache, you name it and I couldn't object or call him out because i was unsympathetic and selfish. Such a power trip. I really wish I'd left him long ago, when my senses first started tingling.... I stupidly alllowed him to minimize and rationalise his shit.

He once agreed to pick me up from my first ever half marathon. But he said it would be too busy to park to meet me at the finish line, so hed get me at the local supermarket (named) car park - a 5 minute walk from the finish line. So I completed, felt exhilarated/emotional/buzzing... and then had to walk past all these lovely people meetng their pals/partners and walk through the town to the car park. Only he wasn't there. I called him and he was at a different supermarket. I was beginning to get really cold and was a bit disappointed tbh. So he finally picked me up - no hug, no well done - and we went for lunch as arranged. When the bill came he said, shall we split this. I honestly wanted to cry and I WISH id told him to fuck off then and there.

I just cut him loose last week and I've had a few wobbles (I had a couple of threads called I'm not pandering and Valentine Card on here) but I finally blocked/deleted etc and I'm just trying to be kind to myself now. I didn't do anything wrong. He'll never admit what he did.
When i read that article it really resonated that I simply felt shit most of the time because of him.
Sorry I totally hijacked there.....
I'm thinking warm, huggy thoughts for you. You are so much better off without someone who doesn't appreciate you for YOU. xx

@JK1773 thank you; i have been spending lots of time with friends and family; they've been so helpful! Just friends are all so busy now for the next few weeks, that the loneliness hit me. And i went to watch a show yesterday with my mum and once i was home and saw the empty phone screen, no messages, i had a panic in my room that I was alone :( I know the feelings will pass, they just hurt right now. I might join some fitness classes soon though. I have always been into my fitness but this ordeal has made me start eating rubbish so i've been feeling so bloated which hasnt helped my feelings haha.

@amytwinehouse sounds like they could be related doesnt it haha,
The bit about him making out he wants to see you when he genuinely couldnt see you and then having an excuse when he could see you, really hit home. I dont get what people get out of messing with others minds?
How old are you if you dont mind me asking?
If it helps, the thought that we have finished with these men, or boys, now is a good thing! Yes, we feel the sense of loneliness now but at least we can grieve it now rather than feeling alone in a few years time.
We are one step closer to meeting a man who will treat us as we should be, who will take us into consideration, who wont have excuses but will genunily want to see us.
Yes it feels absolute rubbish now, but that thought brings me comfort!
You sound like a lovely person btw! It's his loss!!

😂 we’re both in our early forties! He’s 44!! There is no age limit on dickishness!!
Or susceptibility it would seem. I suppose you just don’t expect to fall for a twat at any age.
Kick him to the kerb and don’t look back.

Block, block, block.

Work on your boundaries, recognising red flags and raising your standards.
I’ve never fallen for this type of man before (we were together just ove a year) but I sure as hell won’t ignore my gut again and will walk rather than be duped into thinning I was enlightening him or that we were working together. We bloody weren’t!! xx

@amytwinehouse I hope youre doing well!
I feel like i'm on a constant downer; still no contact and i'm really struggling :( Another urge today to message but I have stopped myself,
I just miss him so much, or at least the him i had when we were together. I miss the cuddles and our heart to hearts.
The last few months have been so overwhelming :(
We were both quite positive before he left (after I had a breakdown when he first told me of course), he said we would start planning our summer in Feb, Now it's Feb he 'wasnt sure' and 'there's no need to discuss it', but before he left he was saying how we'll definitely start talking about it in Feb.
I'm heart broken. I feel so stupid.

What's strange is I was fine with the breakup when it happened last monthish, i spent the next 2 weeks relaxed and seeing friends. Then he messaged how much he missed and we spent a few days talking all loved-up and he said how we can get through anything. Then he went short with his replies again and then said 'we're together but not together'
And now i've spent the past week feeling so low :( why was i so relaxed about the breakup before and now i'm complete opposite??

I am so sorry OP. 5 years is a terrific amount of time to be in this kind of relationship for.

Yes, the only answer is - that's it. You know it must end. It's not right the way he's treating you. Horrible man.

Complete NC. It will hurt I know but better that then wasting another moment of your precious life on him.

Hi OP, I can relate to that too. When I ended it my ex sent a similar text which I engaged with by calling him out - if you cared you wouldn’t have treated me so badly - he completely ignored this.
He only wanted to pacify his conscience. He wants me to want him, to see what I’m missing (!) and for me to remember him fondly.
But I sent another text, saying goodbye and good luck. I got an instant response “I really care about you and I hope you’re ok... etc”
He only reached out when it was safe, ie I was walking away. As soon as I turned back he rejected me. Not that I was even entertaining the idea of going back...
I’ve seen him for who he is.

I’ve had ups and downs but I know that we could never be happy. Going back would be madness!
I have lost all respect for him and I recognise that he was a manipulative narcissist.
It’s when you wake up to the games that you kick yourself.
Allow yourself to be a bit sad, it’s totally natural, but keep going out with friends and enjoying yourself. The acceptance stage where you can finally move on is just around the corner xx