Can a relationship survive and thrive if communication is lacking.

[CottonBlanket]

Is it really, really important..? Why? How? Can a relationship plod along without it.

I've name changed but I've been here since about 2008-ish. MN could verify if there are suspiciouns of journalism.

Yes it's important. Very. I'm divorcing my STBXH, our communication is utterly shit and part of the breakdown of our marriage. I'm seeing someone else and the communication between us is amazing and I never realised what it could actually be like and how bad mine and Ex's was.

If you don't have communication, you don't have much else.

What kind of a relationship? FWB, sure. "Partners" not so much.

Married relationship.
I believe a loving relationship is built on communication. Take it away and what type of relationship will it be then - business/political/platonic/abusive..? I've been mulling it over.
I am desperately unhappy but I have no one to talk to.
It's so bad that it will be no love lost if I leave him. I don't care. That's how lonely I feel and how angry I am at him.

It isn't any kind of relationship without communication surely. You have a platonic relationship with friends but you can't maintain that frendship without communication. I am sorry to hear you are so lonely. I hope you can find some help and strength to move on - together or alone.

Am I justified in my resolve to end a 14 year relationship, primarily on the grounds of poor communication?

I dont know if I can carry on. There are children involved. He has never hit me. He is generous with his money. He is practical and involved in a number of areas and I can't fault him in his relationship with our children.

Yes you can end it on that basis. But also if you are both committed and accept it is an issue you can also come back from it with support from a decent marriage counselor

When I try to talk, he has a way of making my problems all about his struggles. Or he tells me off or reminds me to be grateful for what I/we have. I don't get a tenth of what I wanted to offload out except that he has monologued over me, made me feel guilty and it ends with me feeling worse and wishing i never should have opened my mouth in the first place.
I have secrets that I keep from him. I second guess what I want to share with him, wondering if its the right thing to do. I hide things from him, like I know he thinks my game on my phone is stupid, so I quickly turn it off when I hear him coming into the room or walking down/up the stairs. If I wish to do something, I have to plan it like an important announcement, complete with me rehearsing my lines in my head over and over and then watching for the opertune moment to bring it up. This isn't within the realms of normal but this is what it has become. It's been at least a decade.

This isn’t just about communication, it’s about him having no interest in you or respect for you. Have you tried some solo counselling? Was he always like this?

He will see that I am upset because he didn't let me talk. I get very withdrawn, down in the dumps. He says he is sorry and that he will learn to be more patient with me ie, he will allow me to talk and he will be my outlet for as long as I need him at that time.
However, it takes me a long time to talk when I am depressed. My go to is to clam up. I will go a long time in between talking. I hold onto my bad feelings for a very unhealthy length of time because I theorise that no one is there to listen to my anyway, and it went bad the last time I tried to talk. It goes round and round in my head for weeks, months. I become more and more upset and bitter. Not only am I stewing over one particular problem but it brings up my previous bones of contention that I couldn't offload when I needed to. So what happens is that as far as I think he sees it, I end up blurting this incoherence mess with no beginning or middle or end, and I must sound awful. No wonder really why he acts the way he does. It's a vicious cycle always ending with him promising to let me talk 'next time' but it repeats itself exactly how it did before.

I felt so depressed a couple of uears ago that I organised counselling. But I was ashamed to tell him and I kept it secret. I can't remember what exactly, but I think I would ask him to stay home with our toddler so that I could 'have a walk around the shops' kind of thing. The counselling didn't last long because I was worried he would find out and I hated the lying.

I think it was three sessions before I quit.

I feel angry that I had no other option but to outsource a shoulder to cry on. I have literally, literally no one else in the world to confide in. My world is unbelievably tiny.

You sound really unhappy that's enough of a reason to end a relationship. It sounds like your partner has become a toxic presence in your life. Your world is not fixed, and you can find ways to make it bigger and brighter. It sounds like your parter has massively underminded your confidenceand self worth.

No communication is everything. And, trust. Communication and trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. If you don't have that, you're just dead in the water.

That's how I feel about it.
I know if I said I want to separate, he would be shocked (not allow for it), and be like "you want to seperate after 14 years ...why? It's not that bad, where has this all come from?"
But that's the whole point!! He would never know the extent of my feelings because I am not allowed to talk about things and there is no platform for discussions.

I went from growing up with my mum who would fly off the handle over the smallest things and hold grudges for ridiculous amounts of time. I would be "in disgrace" and it would be a horrible atmosphere for days wherein she would not look at when I tried to talk to her, nor when she would talk to me, would speak in monolsyllabic way, very snotty, lips all cats bum .
This is the same woman would say "yes xxxxx, you can talk to me about anything " and yet she never encouraged talking. I had to learn the hard way in managing my periods - too many bad incidents of me soaking through a pantyliner, through my uniform and onto chairs or the canteen bench. Frequently I would be soaked in my own blood untill it twigged tht pantyliners are meant for discharge. I was never offered my own SP but had to take from my mums stash and it never suited me as I always had accidents. She made me feel like I had to sneak them from her.

She never spoke about sex, or what makes
For loving relationships, or gave me any advice. I had to find it all out by myself and keep so many secrets from her.

I know I've grown up to be eager to please people and I overthink if people like me or not. If what I've said made me look stupid, if people are looking at my crooked teeth or if they can smell me (I sweat heavily and had a bad run if things at school, I'm very self conscious). I worry all the time. I'm no contact with my mum anyway, but its more her doing than mine because of her inability to let go of grudges.

I started coming out of my shell when I left home but it became apparent early in my relationship (who was my first real relationship) that my partner displayed some of the same traits as my mum. It.was too late by that point as I had our first son.

I'm so upset that I have got.myself into this mess. I'm so full of regret.