Am I justified in being low contact with my parents?

[SmokingTeaPot]

Warning in advance: this is probably going to be pretty long!

I’m 30 years old and for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a very turbulent family life. As a child my mum was very emotionally distant, she was always wonderful in terms of activities – crafts etc, but I don’t once remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me. She was a school governor, always came on school trips and stuff and was/is a brilliant member of the community and objectively I know she cares but she never tells or shows me. My dad was horrible and uninterested, and I didn’t see him after quite a young age.

My step dad came into my life when I was still quite small, I idolised him at first, and my parents went on to have my brother who has ASD. I was very badly bullied throughout school (I passed exams, crime of the century, and was always a bit odd..!) but things really came to a head when I was 15. The bullying was unbearable, looking back now I wonder if I have ASD traits too, but my step dad couldn’t cope with my behaviour (I was hurting and scared) and so my mum agreed to throw me out. I sofa surfed around family for a while and then ended up in a hostel surrounded by people take drugs but I still ploughed on, got my GCSES, A-Levels, and eventually met my (now ex, but still friends!) husband and completed my degree. I’ve held down my current, good, job for years and am only leaving because I’ve landed my dream job in the mental health sector.

It would be too identifying to add more details, but loads of things have been thrown at me family wise since then, and to keep the peace I just keep my head down, but to be honest I think I’ve had enough. I am in the process of being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, for which I am seeking treatment. I have suffered with my mental health for as long as I can remember, and have been labelled as all sorts from family, but finally I know what I’m working with and can therefore help myself (slowly but surely!) I’m attending courses (I got my new job as one of the facilitators at one of the courses told me I would be good at it!) and I have a boyfriend who I cannot believe is with me – he treats me amazingly, we are very very happy together. But for some reason I just CANNOT forgive and forget, I just feel SO bitter that I have this terrible, hell on earth illness that means a constant battle in my brain every single second of every single day and one of the main reasons is that the person who was meant to protect me and love me most in the world failed to do that, and yet has since given, given, given to my siblings whilst I am so independent it’s sometimes painful – I REFUSE to ask my parents for any sort of help

I’m not sure what I’m posting here for really, other than my head is so confused, I'm trying to make sense of things for my recovery, and I’ve been a lurker for such a long time and seen so much good advice on these boards. Am I a terrible person for being low contact? I see other members of my family regularly and those relationships are good. I’m popular at work and I have lots of friends, so I don’t THINK I’m an objectively terrible person, although I definitely do have doormat tendencies.

What would you do next in my situation? Is it ok to still be mad and get so upset 15 years on?

Thanks

You're brave. You're a warrior. You're not a bad person. You get to choose who you share what amount of your life with.

That's so, so kind! Thank you, I'm bawling here. How ridiculous

Completely justified. You’ve had a lot to deal with. You sound immensely strong. It sounds like your mum really didn’t stick by you when she should have. So you just see her as much or as little as you want to, and don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad about that!

There is absolutely no fucking way I’d have anything to do with them IIWY.

You have done absolutely brilliantly. You’ve pulled yourself up by the boot strings and have turned into a strong, capable lady.

Whatever strength you have, whatever characteristics you have, if you could bottle them and sell them you’d make millions x

If you feel better having my ok with cutting contact, then you have it.

NC with my mother. Nurture the positive relationships in your life and drop the toxic.

I don't know what you were like at 15 but I do know that I have a 15 year old ds and a 14 year old dd. I can't imagine turning my back on them. I tell them frequently that it doesn't matter what they've done they can always come to me and their dad if they're in trouble. I wonder if in time you should try and talk to your mum about how let down you feel. It sounds as if you have found success despite your parents. I admire you as you sound very strong.

@SmokingTeaPot do know what I think you are sooo bloody amazing look what you have achieved without the help of anyone massive credit they should be bloody proud of you listen move on sometimes you are literally better off without them for peace of mind sending hugs and 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Have you thought how DM and DSF are feeling with all they have been through with a DD who might have Borderline Personality Disorder and another DC with ASD There is also at least one divorce in there too. Sounds like a bit of difficulty for them too

Your mum threw you out at 15 and didn't do anything about the bullying. You have done incredibly well in the face of that; you are indeed a strong and capable woman. It's okay to be mad and upset but try to let it go and enjoy the now of your life rather than the then.

Ask yourself this, if a stranger in the street was abusive would you engage with them in anyway again? Then hear this; your family has abused you and you deserve better treatment from them than from a stranger. Do not subject yourself to them and try and disengage from it all emotionally. My father isn't a monster but he wasn't a good dad so I just don't see him. It doesn't have to be complicated. You should only have people in your life who enrich it.

God - I'm overwhelmed with the nice comments! Thank you. You're all saying what the rational part of my brain is telling me, but I'm just filled with guilt, as well as the need to not rock the boat with the wider family, who I absolutely adore and don't want to cause more grief to. I've never meant to cause grief and I'm not a nasty person at all, quite the opposite in fact, but my aunty in particular has been incredibly supportive through my mental health journey, coming to appointments with me and having me stay at hers, feeding me Sunday dinners and stuff when I needed her! I'm also incredibly close to my nieces and nephews - siblings not so much but the kids keep me going!

StillMe1 - thanks for the opinion and yeah I've thought about it lots honestly. I do care about my mum but when my step dad used to leave the house and not come back for months having flown to the other side of the world, and this happened MULTIPLE times, I don't really give a shiny shit about him tbh. But yes, it must've been hard for them, but in fairness I didn't HAVE BPD at that point. Gah I dunno!

You'll find your peace when you accept that what they did to a child who needed help was unforgivable. And that it's perfectly ok to not want to have anything to do with them just because they are your parents. Dont be guilted and obligated by that. Your dm worked with kids as her career, cared for and loved a child with asd , yet threw her 15yo child out. Nope , that's abuse and not ok. You will be able to move on with your life once you cut this emotional baggage out.

What Apple103 wrote in its entirety.

I would also suggest you read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages too.

I'm sat at my desk sniffing back tears in all honesty (my very lovely team are used to my emotional errr... range.... )

For someone to actually say to me: "you were a CHILD", makes me feel so many different things I can't tell you. I feel like a truly terrible person most of the time, even though I run myself ragged doing everything I can for everyone else, and my god the GUILT.

Will check out the Stately Homes thread, I've seen them knocking about but never looked properly! Thanks!

Absolutely to everything that's been said so far. We have a culture that says "forgive and forget", but that attitude simply prevents healing.
There is no obligation to have any relationship with your parents, just because they're your parents. You only owe them love if they nurtured and loved you as a child, clearly your OP tells us they did not.

I can heartily recommend any of Alice Miller's books on this BTW.

Best wishes and healing.

You were being bullied and instead of recognising that you needed support and protection, your DM threw you out?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers. That’s appalling.
If I were you, id take a look at the life you’ve made and see that even without those challenges, achieving so much is something to be proud of.
And then remember how much harder your DPs made it and see that achievement as the only ‘fuck you’ you need to say to them. Let them stew on their own.

"Forgive and forget"... bullshit. How can you ever forget about them treating a child that way and you were that child. You screamed for help and no one listened. You were pain and were ignored. You were being hurt and they didn't protect you. And on top of that they kicked you out when you were still a child, with no care where you'd end up or any provision,support from SS ,shelter with relatives etc. You could've been dead by now, a drug addict,living on the streets,a prostitute. The fact that none of it happened is a testament to your strength and determination. But they couldn't have known how things would turn out and they still did it.

Accept who they are and what they are capable of you can't change them or the past. There's nothing you could've done to make them accept you,love you, be the the parents you deserved. This is not on you, it's on them.

Forgive and forget OP. Forgive yourself and forget them. If they do nothing but harm your mental health they do not deserve to be in your life.

Look up FOG - fear obligation guilt.

Read Susan Forward's book 'Toxic Parents'. Just read it, at least to work out if your parents are or are not toxic.

Chucking you out at 15 is so awful, you poor, poor thing. Find a photo of your 15yo self and, when you're beating the shit out of yourself, look at that photo and remember who you really are.

You are amazing

Hi OP. You sound very strong and a good person, as PPs have said.

I am not a mental health professional in any way but something struck me about your OP about the borderline personality disorder diagnosis.

Are you also exploring complex PTSD alongside BPD? It sounds like your childhood was neglectful and I've read that cPTSD can result.

As I said, I'm in no way qualified to advise but just wanted you to know that there is information out there about this aspect of MH issues. Best wishes to you, you sound amazing

You sound amazing. Make your life from now not from the past X Good Luck with the new job

My goodness I'm rather shocked that a mother could throw her child out instead of nurturing them. I totally agree with what other posters have said and would also suggest you get counselling for yourself if you're not already doing so and continue with increasingly low contact until it becomes NC with the "parents" who were supposed put you before themselves. You are not the one who should feel guilt. Instead be proud of your achievements. In future ensure you protect any children you may have from these horrible people as they shown you what they are.

in the words of a bros song "i owe you nothing" should be sung.....