No sex since conception (3 years ago)

[Toriaa]

Hi all, wonder if you could help me. Myself and my DH have been together 13 years, married for 9.
We have a beautiful DD born in 2017 after 3 horrid miscarriages.
Since conception by DH has avoided any physical contact with me, he doesn't acknowledge when I look nice, he doesn't reassure me when I feel down about how I look.
Our sex life has always been boring, he had very little experience when we got together and so is less than adventurous, he has never even performed OS on me in our whole time together!!
I don't know what I have done wrong for him to not want me anymore, but it has made me resentful to him and I find myself fantasising what a life could be like it is started again (at the ripe age of 36).
I don't know if this is normal, and repairable (I don't even know if I want it repairing).
We have great foundations as in we are great friends, we laugh a lot, he is a great Dad.
Has anyone else experienced this at all??
Thanks in advance xx

Is it normal no, is it repairable yes, but you both have to believe that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Have you had a conversation with your H to find out why he's so timid when it comes to sex? What do you want in your relationship? Then you can decide how you want to proceed from there.

OP, you don't say how old your DH is, but it's definitely not normal.

I'm mid 50's, and have a healthy sex drive, and always let my XW know how I felt about her (it just wasn't reciprocated :( )

For instance, I wasn't allowed to perform OS (amongst other things), and she never would...(actually never been with a woman that would... Definitely a fantasy for me - sorry TMI!) :(

You need to have a frank talk with him. Maybe away from home, if you can arrange it. Maybe consider sex / couples counselling?

I think this is who he is and he won't change. He's given you a child so his job is done. Maybe he's gay but hasn't acknowledged it. Who knows!
I'm assuming he is a similar age to you? At 36 you are too young to give up on a decent sex life. Talk to him, let him know how unhappy you are and if there's anything you can do to improve things. If he's unwilling to talk or try to work it out then move on. Life is too short.

Thanks for your messages!! He is 40 so should definitely still be enjoying sex as part of a healthy relationship!! Any suggestions to get help is ignored or ridiculed which makes it near off impossible to move forward. It's like he shut down as soon as we conceived our daughter and that is that!! A very difficult situation!!

OP,
I feel for you, I really do.

At 40, There is no way he should not be intimate with you, never mind no physical contact (just to check, no hugs or kisses even? - nothing since sometime in 2016?) I simply couldn't be in a relationship like that, and it's what precipitated my divorce from my XW.

I hate to bring this up, but could there be an OW? Has he done anything to make you suspicious? Is he watching his weight? Working out? Taking extra care of his appearance?

Might be worth checking his phone / social media if you have access.

Take a deep breath, consider what YOU want from him.

You REALLY need to have a frank and open discussion about your entire relationship, but from what you are saying, I think it might be time to consider a split... Sorry.

If I can offer a male perspective on anything you don't want to discuss here, feel free to pm me.

I was in your situation and let it go on and on to 8 years with no sex after conceiving ds2. By the time we split last year I was so screwed up and had zero self esteem that it's trashing any chance I have of a new relationship. Go now and don't be me!!

There's obviously something bothering him that he's not admitting to you. So something embarrassing, like him feeling inadequate, or something he doesn't want to admit for other reasons, like him wanting someone else or not fanying you any more.

If he won't open up you're going to have to make it clearer that the alternative is not just staying like this and not talking about it.

You sound as if you are actually quite interested in the idea of splitting up and would welcome it in some ways. That would make it easier for you to give him a proper ultimatum - but on the other hand, it also suggests that the disinterest is not only on his side. Could he be feeling unloved too?