Telling his new DP about my experience of abuse

[ConcernedEx]

I was in an abusive relationship. As he wasn't physically abusive I didn't realise until an HCP pointed it out to me and put me in touch with Women's Aid. Since then I've realised quite how bad things were and that he ticks all the boxes for NPD. We have DC so I can't sever ties with him.

He's in a different relationship now. They also now have a child. I don't feel that he's changed much. He seems to be slightly more involved with this DC but it wouldn't take much. I suspect his partner is putting up with the kind of behaviour I suffered. She seems nice. I feel sorry for her. I was very isolated when I was with him and I didn't realise I was suffering in a way thousands of other women suffer. Almost no one knew about his behaviour and I'm so thankful that someone spotted it and understood what I was going through and tried to help me out.

I'm wondering if I should say something to his partner. I know it's none of my business but there is a child there who is the sibling of my DC. I want her to know she doesn't have to put up with his selfishness, gaslighting, manipulation and verbal abuse and threats.

Should I say something? If so, what? I don't want her to get defensive and upset.

I'm in two minds.

When I was with my abusive ex it took me a long time to believe what his ex said about him. I defended him to the hilt. I was well in deep before I realised he was doing the same with me. Did it help me leave or want to - no. But it was always on the back of my mind when I started seeing the same behaviour and maybe helped me see that this was an ingrained issue this man had.

Be very careful if you do and don't expect a kind response back

Do not bother. I tried once but she loves him and will learn in her own time. I just left it at that one day she will find out for herself, that when she does it’s him not her and that I would help her. My ex was physical too 🤷‍♀️

I think I'd say that you had some issues with him and that if she needs to talk you are there.
But leave it at that.
Don't go into details.
She can them come to you if she wants to.

Yes. I want to allude to it and give her the opportunity to open up - not necessarily to me. I was a strong, independent and successful woman when I met him. But I was so naive about abuse and he played me until he had me exactly where he wanted me and I was in a desperate, scared and lonely state, being told I was a horrible person. I wouldn't wish him on anyone.