Realising how awful my marriage was

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When I kicked ExH of 20+ years out 4 years ago for cheating, I immediately felt like a weight had lifted. I was suddenly able to do things without asking for permission or putting his needs first. Being a single mum has been wonderfully rewarding and I've felt for a while now that I'm in a really good place emotionally.

Family and friends have told me since we split how much they disliked him and only tolerated him so they could spend time with me. I wish they'd told me this at the time! Reading back through old social media posts shows how frustrated and unhappy I was and makes me feel sad for my former self.

I was listening to a woman on the radio the other day talking about the signs that you're in a controlling relationship and found myself in floods of tears - it all rang so true.

Why am I still wasting negative emotion on this loser? Will I ever truly move on or will the scars always be there ready to open?

I think the scars remind us of what we don't want or need.

Single mum too and my life is my own, my girl is happy and whilst I am at peace with the past I reflect often.

I reflect and wonder why I put up with the abuse but then my mind turns to the strength I mustered to leave. I did that. I created the life my girl and I now have.

I think you'll always bear the scars.
But that is part of you.
That shows you how strong you were and still are.
I still think about my ExH and that ended 10 years ago - and he wasn't abusive, just a liar and a cheat.
But our experiences make us the person we are today.
You should be very very proud.

First of all, well done for getting out of the relationship! Whatever happens, it's behind you now.

It's a terrible shock to realise what the truth of your marriage was, and so often you only realise after it's over. You may go through a period of grief for the years that you lost. Give yourself time and maybe seek some counselling as well.

Good luck OP

Short answer; you will move on but it will take time. It does take time to realise hat such a long term one was abusive.

and I wish you well in your continued recovery.