Should I tell my ex how I feel?

[Halduffy]

Me and my girlfriend split up a few days ago. It was mutual decision, we didn't fall out we both said we will speak again and who knows what will happen in a few months.
It came to a point where we would seem to bicker at the smallest thing. The effort from both parts was fading and we both became increasingly frustrated with the relationship. Before Christmas my girlfriend didn't know what to do and I convinced her to try and spend some quality time together and after that we were back on track. It was great. Unfortunately things got bad again and because we text a lot the texts became increasingly frustrating and I think we both got annoyed with eachother and I became tired of me trying to get her to come out and she wouldn't. I know this sounds like she isn't interested but I asked her multiple times and she always said she has never said she doesn't want to be with me. I also know she has other problems in her life at the moment and although she wouldn't open up to me, she did say other things were happening.
After a few days now, all the frustration has gone and I know I still have feelings for her. We have been together so long I just don't want to end things how things have been left.
I want to tell her how I feel, as a bit of closure. I want to thank her for the happiness she brought to my life, that the break up isn't all her fault (she thought everything was her fault) that I think time apart will do us good, but if there was a chance in the future and she felt the same we might want to meet up and see how things are. That I will always be here for her no matter what, that I love her and will always care for her.

Is this too much to send to her? I'm not asking her to feel the same, but I feel I just need to tell her all thisbecause it's been left without saying and it's hurting me to think that if one day there is a chance then I have to tell her.

What should I do?

You should leave her alone. My ex is constantly messaging me and it's driving me potty. We are going to end up not being friends if he doesn't stop.

This is me. But it is me who has the lopsided feelings in my relationship. I want him, he ended it with me. I desperately want him to say all the things you want to say, to me.

I think the person who was the instigator in the split is the only one that should unburden all that information.

I made my feelings clear during the break up - not my finest moment. But now I'm no contact as its not me who pulled away so it's not my place to say all that.

I agree with @Getmyfrownupsidedown
But again, that is down to my own feelings and own situation.
I've been left to feel entirely to blame for the end of my relationship (even though I know deep down, it was equal).
It's very early days within regards to end of your relationship, it's been four months since end of mine. And although, I am now finally starting to let go, I cannot lie; I would still love to hear all what you wish to say from my ex.
Are you after a reconciliation? Or do you acknowledge the relationship is over, and just want to say your piece to 'clear the air' and give closure to you both? Just think about this before getting in contact, as to not feed false hope to either of you.
I've come to realise; that time and space is a good thing. Though it doesn't feel like it when your in the thralls of the breakup.
If the relationship was of any value to either of you, then I think to say your piece now (or after a little more time) is a good idea.

Yes, absolutely tell her how you feel.

But just do it once, and then leave her alone. Then the balls in her court.

Absolutely tell her how you feel, then you have no regrets. Really think about it though so that it is heartfelt but to the point. Good luck and let us know how it goes

@mjvb123
I want to tell her because I feel it's been left unsaid and I wish I'd of told her on the day we broke up, but I wasn't just wasn't in the right frame of mind. From my point th of view I would like to get back together, not immediately but after some time apart and some breathing space. But I don't want to leave it months with her not knowing how I feel.
I have written it all down, and have thanked her for all the good times, and the happiness she brought to my life. That I'd like to thinkin a while maybe we could meet up and see how things are, and I need to say this just in case you feel the same because if there is a chance we could then I would like too. I've also written that I will always be there for her, all she has to do is ask, that I love her, and I just need to tell her but I will leave her in peace now.

The question is I don't know how early or late I see best to say these things. I don't want to leave it too late, but I also don't want to get in touch too early.

Tell her once. Just once and let her digest that information. Then leave her alone. And tell her you will respect her silence, reply or however she wants to deal with it. Maybe a letter is the best way, that was she doesnt have to speak to you if she really doesn't want to.

And don't lay it on too thick, I speak form someone who has been hounded by an ex for the last two years (I cant ignore him completely because we have two kids together unfortunately, so when my phone pings I expect the pity party to begin!)

@pudding21
No I won't launch it on thick. I'm not asking her to come back, nor am I pushing her into anything. I'm just telling her my feelings, that I hope maybe one day we can meet up and she ehow things are after a bit of a break. That I'm always here for her and that I love her.
I'm not begging her to come back nor am I writing in such a way that I'm asking for a reply.
I am going to message her, like we always have. She can read it and not respond or she can if she wants too. I don't want to put any pressure on her, I just feel I need to tell her my feelings just in case she feels similar.

I think it's fine to say thanks for the happy times and that it wasn't ft her fault and you'll always care for her but not the rest.

You've split up. There's no point in talking about the possibility of being together in the future. Just move on happily separately.

• ignore 'ft' - I don't know where that came from.

@Halduffy
You're a lot less stubborn than my ex, that's for sure! I have been three months NC with him.
I have been told that he has wanted to contact me (through a mutual friend) but he hasn't. Something stops him. I'm beginning to think I will never know what that is. Which is very sad considering all we have shared.
If you are ready to make contact, then by all means do so. As I say; I think what you want to say is genuine, and shows a lot of respect for your ex and the relationship you had.
You don't know what the future holds, but at least you will be able to find peace in knowing you have said all you need to.
Good luck.

Don’t do it, disappear quietly & get on with your life. She needs to come to you, it she’s still interested

It's only been a few days since you split up - I think you should leave it a while. You might feel differently in a week or two.

I also think you need to be honest with yourself. Will you leave it if she doesn't reply or just acknowledges your message but no further? Will it hurt you or make you angry? Have you faced up to the fact that you want her to feel the same way but she might not. She might not want to get back together now or ever.

You say she has other problems in her life that she hasn't shared with you. That does suggest that you were not in a terribly close relationship or, that she is using that as a polite brush off or excuse not to continue.

I say this because after a break up it is very hard to see things objectively and face up to it being over for good. We rarely do get complete closure in relationships - to both calmly and kindly draw the line without any bad feeling. That's in books and the movies. So think hard about your honest intentions and how you also protect yourself. Could you take it if she does not reply or says it's over forever?

Of course say what you want to say. I'd leave it a week or two - give her time to reflect and miss you (if she does). And don't lay it on too thick - it might drag her back into the turmoil of the ending of the relationship.

Only time will make this feel better.

@boulezvous
I don't think I will be hurt or angry. I will respect her decision and then I can move on. I just don't want to think in months to come, she was thinking the same but too afraid to say anything. If both of us say nothing then we would never know. She may well not like me anymore, I know towards the end everything turned negative, for me too, but I also now think of the good times and I genuinely feel we could of had a lot more. If she never replies or never gets in touch then I know. I know to just get on and leave her to it. I am not trying to convince her to come back or anything like that, just on the chance she may just feel the same...she has said before she didn't want to throw it all away. Now we have separated she might be thinking the same as me. We did say we would speak again and speak soon.

Well i told her. I had too. I text her and a couple of hours later replied.
She thanked me for getting touch and she is sorry how things went towards the end. That she is here if I never need to talk anytime and who knows what the future holds. She hopes I'm okay.

I'm glad I sent it. Guess I just need to get on now.

After that I replied with a thanks and reiterated that if she ever needs to talk she know where I am.
She relied with thankyou for that, to wihich I replied no problem.
She then this morning sent me a message wishing me a good day.

This all has be positive? I don't want to carry on talking, but the fact she at least replying is good?

I just wish I couldn't get her back but for the moment I'm going to get on, do stuff and just carry on

I just wish I could get her back**

@Halduffy NC now.

Try a week and then test the water with the same breezy intro "how's your week been?". You both need some time to think.

I know it is torture... I am currently Day 2 no contact and Day 3 since break up. I want him back. I want to speak to him. I check my phone constantly. But it is not my place to do so. So I have to let him be.

@getmyfrownupsidedown
You're right it is torture. I loved her so much even towards the end I did become very down and annoyed by her behaviour. I would ask to do things and a lot of the time she was busy...but yet she would still message me and after a day out we realised what we had missed. We were back to normal. Then after that it fell back into the same routine. I go at annoyed, as did she, upset and thinking it was all her fault. I think the only way to go forward was to stop. It's funny.
After breaking up, the little contact we have had has been more sincere and caring than when we were before. We even reply with a kiss which we never did before. Since she has gone, I miss her. When we were together I was just annoyed.

Exactly why you need a time out to really think about what you both want and not repeat the same pattern. I broke down three times in work today which was better than yesterday. Progress.