How would you deal with this 'friend'

[coffeechoc]

NC for this.
Just looking for advice really. I've posted about it before a while back.
So I've known another school mum 7ish years. She used to be quite a supportive friend, I'm a single parent, so we'd do outings during the school hols etc, meet up for coffee.
Since ive known her, she has not been happy in her marriage, I've listened, tried to give advice and be supportive. I'm the one she came to in crisis. He husband is definitely emotionally and financially abusive. Having been through the divorce process myself I discussed with her.
Anyway, it seems when we meet now, she makes digs at me. At first I thought I was being sensitive but it's the same things.. e.g. talking up her educational status in comparison to mine (I'm not bothered, but it makes me feel an inch high!) she is consistently late (I feel disrespected) and sometimes I have to message her.
Recently, I've pulled away as I came away from our meet-ups feeling anxious. Feel sad though. She's very clever with words and fitting them in with little digs. Does that make sense? I'm thinking her husband's behaviour is rubbing off on her. WWYD?

You sound lovely and she sounds rude and unpleasant
She is responsible for her own words

Stay away from her
You deserve and need friends who treat you kindly and respect you

Her loss

As her husband is abusive, it's likely that he's very threatened by your friendship with his wife. Abusers will often rubbish their partner's friends and family or sulk when they want to talk to them/spend time with them, precisely because they don't want their partner having any other sources of support. I'm not excusing your friend's nasty behaviour but it's very possible that she's spouting his views.

But Whereareyouspot is right - she is still responsible for what she says. I'm just saying her horrible husband may well be influencing her.

Only you know if you think the friendship is worth hanging onto. I know confrontation is hard but asking her what is wrong and then when she says 'nothing' you can recall some of the things she has recently said.

@saggingninja thank you. I didn't think of it in that way! that it could be her husband's influence. She has told me that her husband has said she is a bully and unfortunately I can see this now.
She is very quick minded and talks all of the time. I really don't feel able to confront her as I feel id be shot down. I don't think she'd have a problem with confrontation. I'm much quieter and feel any achievements are pulled down or she looks for a flaw with it. She doesn't look happy to see me, sometimes doesn't make eye contact. It's very odd. Thing is, i don't need this and I'm not sure it will change as I doubt she'll leave her husband.
Thanks whereareyouspot. My self esteem is low but you're right. I'm fed up of feeling anxious around her and as if I'm a sounding board. I need to get out there and meet new people

It doesn’t really matter why she does it. If it makes you feel like shit then stop seeing her.
As I have got older, my tolerance for dickish behaviour has lessened. I just block and move on.
There is no point having someone who makes you feel like crap in your life

I know Travis. It's a shame, I wonder if she'll confront me for lack of messages etc. I don't like confrontation. Think I'm giving it too much headspace and need to have balls to forget it. Thanks

She genuinely may not realise how hurtful her behaviour is - especially if she's spending most of her time in a toxic atmosphere. It's not a matter of you 'having balls', but calling attention to her comments. I know where you're coming from - I had a friend once who would make these little snippy asides. She would try and 'hide' the remarks in a mirth free laugh but when I sat down and thought about it, these little jabs seemed so petty on their own, but added together, they felt like being constantly poked, prodded, teased and bullied. The final straw was her making some remark about how going to university was a 'bit of a waste of time' - delivered in a faux thoughtful voice. I knew it was a dig at me (one of many) and I finally said, 'Are you saying that me going to uni was a waste of time?'. Well her response was to accuse me of being 'over-sensitive'. I said that I wasn't - but when your 'friend' makes jibes about university being a waste of time, knowing full well that you went to uni - how else can you take it, but personally? For me, the friendship was beyond repair at that point anyway, but I'm glad I was able to say my piece.

I found out later that she fell out with another mutual friend for making jibes at her too!

Bottom line - you are not this woman's mother and friends are supposed to support you and make you feel good about yourself. xx

All the above. Plus you make her feel uncomfortable now. She’s told you all the stuff about her relationship and you’ve been supportive and given her advice about divorce. But for whatever reason, she’s not going to leave him and every time she sees you it reminds her that you know all about it and that you’re right and you did what she can’t do.
Hence she has to make herself feel better by reminding herself (and you) that she’s the clever one cos all her self esteem is bound up in her academic achievements. It’s quite sad really.
But if I’m right ( and I am a brilliant cod psychologist) there’s no saving this friendship. Clever people can be really thick when it comes to relationships and I don’t think there’s much you can do about it. It’s definitely her problem though, not yours.

I think she's feeling rubbish and is trying to make you feel bad, too. It's not fair and I think you should stop seeing her. You're not her punch bag.

When I got divorced I found some "friends" could treat me badly as I didn't have a husband's back up, too. They were more careful/nicer when they thought I might tell him about it.

I think sometimes people resent having said too much and the people they've said it to during times they want to sweep it all under the carpet.

I had/am still having a similar situation. Friend from nursery setting so not really any mutuals meaning I was the perfect person to confide in. If she'd told anyone from her and her husband's inner circle it would have ruined the perfect, happy image she likes to portray I think.

Anyway, she told me some pretty foul things about his behaviour. I was single at the time so I knew what it meant to leave etc. But then she decided not to and to get pregnant again instead.

Our friendship changed almost instantly. Mainly because instead of just stopping confiding in me, she started piss taking and bragging as well. Deflecting maybe. Avoiding getting into personal, meaningful conversations because she wants to pretend everything is hunky dory. She has admitted once she feels embarrassed when I ask how its going and that she wished she hadn't told anyone certain things.

Anyway, I rarely see her now.
I feel used but I think I'd still be there for her if she ever decided to leave because she would need support to get away from him. I expect I will hear from her more when things get bad again. Maybe I should tell her to do one. I probably wont, I wouldn't be a foul weather friend forever though.

Thanks all. I have been to uni and also a far better uni than she went to and a far harder course! I didn't finish (because of illness) however she doesn't know that part. I also did really well, got a year prize. But I don't care about that, she maybe hit a nerve but I felt done on purpose. @saggingninja I know she has done this with other people as I've witnessed it.
@MrsBodger you've hit the nail on the head and that is exactly what I was thinking. She even compares herself to my situation and continually emphasises her 'family' as if me and ds aren't a family yes it definitely is her problem.
@hollowtalk, yes I'm easing off contact and being less available. I also feel a prime target as I may be seen as 'vulnerable'
@Dontcallmedaisey yes I get the bragging and gloating too! but I know the truth! He's abusive but now it's swung to they've talked. I'm fed up of it.
She may not be aware how I feel but may be noticing the lack of contact. It's hard to know how to respond I'd she messages as I feel I want to protect my own life. I'm out of my marriage and can do what I want now, so maybe she is envious I've 'done it'

I think @MrsBodger has got it spot on.

It's a shame though as it will continue. I would continue to gradually back off and let the friendship run its course.

Sounds like you have been a good friend to her, but she is not reciprocating this by acting like a b*tch.