Toxic Parents/Step-Parents and my DD

[berrybubbles]

Had to make a new account after the apparent hacking as couldn’t figure how to log bag in. I’ve posted before about my DM neglecting her dog and helping with my DD. DM and her partner do drop offs and pick ups from nursery whilst I’m working and give her the odd meal, the odd overnight here and there if it’s a night shift. I’ve always offered money for this now they’re moaning about it so just sent them loads.

It all came to ahead on DD’s birthday when I was throwing her a little party at DM’s. DM doesn’t care for her dog properly so it’s nails were really long. It’s very boisterous and excitable, jumps all over every one and could knock a small child very easily. My DD got into the kitchen where DM keeps the dog locked in at all times and the dog scratched her drawing blood. DM didn’t seem phased and didn’t even see if DD was okay just laid in bed playing the martyr with a cold. I walked out with DD and full hell was then let loose. My DM has somehow managed to turn my DF (split since I was baby, new partners) against me and he has just sent me a long email calling me awful and using some pretty sensitive past against me (DV, rape, teen pg). I’m cutting them all off, their partners included as they’re so toxic. My DM neglected and borderline abused me as a child but I naively thought she could change once DD came along and put it down to ‘single mother struggles’. Now I am a mother myself I can see how awful she was even if she did struggle that’s not an excuse.

My main issue is I’m concerned that she will try and file for a court order if I don’t want her around my DD. DM is a narc and loves being the martyr. If she’s managed to get my DF on side I can’t imagine what crap she could spout to a judge. Will SS involvement after a teen suicide attempt and my medical records of my CAHMS visits talking about my neglect be enough to stop a court order? What if she turns up at my house and I feel I need to call the police, will that trigger SS involvement with me and my DD? I’ve been in tears to my DH all morning since the email I can’t believe parents can treat their children like this and think it’s okay. Sorry it’s so long I’m just heartbroken and need someone other than my poor DH having to deal with it too

Calling me awful names that’s meant to say! Bitch, whore the whole works. Telling me it was my choice to ‘run off and get pregnant’ when I was 22 and certainly not ‘running away’. They didn’t want DD and wanted me to get an abortion. I will protect her from them as much as I can, they don’t deserve her

I know it’s easier said than done but I think I would have cut contact a long time ago. Get out of the situations where you’re relying on her for childcare, and birthday party at hers when you’re on such bad terms? No way.

No personal experience of this but a very close friend who separated her whole life from her narc mother and it was like she had a whole new life.

The mother is now back in her life on her terms and being a proper grandma, even though she was a shit parent.

So you need to grow up and stop using her for childcare.

Find alternate childcare. Get a childminder to do drop offs. If you have room an au pair might be an option.

If she’s that bad why are you letting her be so involved?

It will be tough but is is possible to raise a child without extended family.

Disengage.

If she wants to take you to court let her.

Keep the messages and file and further contact down. Write down everything that has happened, past and present and date and time it.

Keep a record of everything.

That way if they take you to court you have a backlog of negative instances and poisonous behaviour.

Did you photograph her injuries from the dog?

Block all their means of communication now. These two are as bad as one another. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are either narcissistic as well or have long since been discarded.

Unfortunately your own naivety has cost you dearly here. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and such people do not change. It’s only people with special training I.e. the now adult children of narcissistic parents who actually bother with them, you’ve been trained from childhood to serve her at your overall expense,
Grandparents have no automatic right to access to their grandchildren in this country and the onus I believe is on her to prove that a relationship would be beneficial to the child.

She turning up at your house and you calling the police as a result would I think not involve social services at all.

Keep yourself and your child well away from these two people going forward. Do read and post on the well we took you to stately homes thread in relationships and read the website daughters of narcissistic mothers

Her partner is her willing enabler here

Keep a record of everything
This ^^. With bells on. Anyone official who took an interest would see exactly what you'd had to put up with and would know that they weren't suitable to have contact with a child.

I think that I have only just managed to break myself out of the whole narc mist that DM had over me at 26. There wasn’t much childcare, probs only a few weeks in total over 3 years. But I can see now that she only took interest in DD and offered to help so that she could appear like an amazing kind person to her friends and colleagues. She has some weird obsession DD and I’ve picked up on a lot of inappropriate language around her. She was copying one of her shows talking about babies in mummy’s tummy DM chimed in with ‘you were in my tummy too’ (something to do with eggs already being in a female fetus?). It’s so disturbing and not something you say to a 3 year old child! Thank you for the helpful posts and have been reading the stately homes thread. I’m going to get in touch with a person-centred counsellor as I find that really helps and will open my eyes more to the narc behaviour. Yes my DF and DM’s partner have always been her enablers, even when they don’t get on I don’t know how she does it!

So you don’t think she can look after her dogs but she is fine to look after your child?

You need to concentrate on creating a safe environment for your child. If you do this ss will not get involved.

Is your mums an appropriate place for your child to spend so much time?

Why have a birthday at your mums? Why not your own place?

Gps rights don't exist. If your dd had been sleeping over without you regularly for years she might have a case but as she is quite frankly abusive, I wouldn't worry.
Make alternative child care arrangements ASAP.
Keep a diary from now.
Write a time line from when you can.
And move on - nc with dm and have no regrets.