Bit of back story, together 10 years and married for 2. He had an accident years ago and has a brain injury (before we met) but generally you can't tell until you delve i.e during arguments he can't reason well, doesnt always understand words I use and it is sometimes like arguing with my teenager. He argues about silly things and always twists things around, like if he's at fault he will twist things around to something I said or did wrong years ago like he's trying to justify his behaviour by blaming me. He's not very empathetic. Very addictive personality. Gambling addiction discovered about a year before the wedding whereby he nearly lost us everything (huge debts) and lied compulsively before I basically cornered him with all the evidence and he broke down saying he'd been contemplating suicide (not sure he meant it). He had treatment for the addiction and appeared to recover well, with a few slip ups here and there but was usually honest bout those slip ups. He's always been a big drinker (his family drink loads, pretty sure his dad's and alcoholic). I don't really drink and never use drugs. Hes used cocaine recreationally for years but never around me so naively I didn't see an issue. He is very loving and affectionate, we have four kids (three are his) he is a good Dad. Overall he is a good husband, until he has these mood fluctuations and seems really moody and off with me until I ask why and then he erupts. He can be verbally abusive and in the past has crossed that line to physical but more recently it has been alot of emotional abuse. Only during arguments or when he's under the influence. When I was pregnant with our fourth he began accusing me of cheating. He became very paranoid. Put cameras up thinking we were being burgled all the time. He's never really been paranoid about cheating so it was strange. I found empty coke bags in pockets and confronted him but he denied it all. Said it was his friends stuff. I've founds loads of empty bags in his car. He is horrible when he's been using it and on a come down. He denied it for months and months until one night he just broke down whilst on the stuff and admitted it was really serious. Using three to four nights a week. So he said he'd get help and stop using and seemed to improve. But lately he's been moody again. I made him do a drug test twice and they were both positive and he still denied it. Then admits and says his use is minimal. He's booked to see a drugs counsellor. The other day he was vile. Applied to HMRC for a divorce. Very emotionally abusive again. Example: went to spit on me so I pushed him away gently and he shouted out in earshot of our kids that I 'hit him'. He says he can't live like this anymore because I can't trust him (I can't I'll be honest) we argue constantly because this addiction has destroyed my trust and I can't have a drug addict husband. Our life is so chaotic and I just want a normal life! But I love him. He is otherwise a good man. But I fear he will always be addicted to something. Yesterday I read his bank statement. He has been gambling again. Hundreds of pounds. When confronted he says he told me about this 'blip' but hed made out it was just a few days not a whole month and more probably because I only had one month's bank statement. I'm so anxious and depressed. Scared I'll make the wrong decision. He keeps threatening to leave and today packed a bag to stay with his mum and wants to divorce again. Asked me to give him 200 quid towards it. I know he has no money so he's using it to gamble or do drugs I'm sure of that. I hate him but I also love him. His sister knows about it and says I should support him. I don't really like being told what to do with my life as I have to live with it! What would you do? I am terrified of being on my own with four kids! I have anxiety as it is. I love him but I'm no longer in love with him and I hate what he is doing. He basically says he's leaving me because I can't accept what he's done. Aibu to think that he's totally selfish? It's like he just wants me silent so he can treat me any way he pleases and I just sweep it all under the rug like I have for years? Honestly ladies, what would you do? I might also add that he owns this house outright with noortgage and has said recently that when we divorce I'll get nothing, so I could end up homeless especially if I leave this house...