I started violence and I want back my ex

[Crankyberry]

3 years ago, I had too much to drink.
my boyfriend said something about me being a mother and I should think of my daughter more, I lost it and pushed him and kicked his shin.
At this point he was already namecalling me and this got a lot worse over the years. like he would never leave my house or follow me around if I leave myself and calls me horrible things for hours and hours until I couldnt take it anymore.

After that we had a violent relationship. Everytime he touched me he said i started it that day so it's my fault.
in the beginning I would fight back.
we had many talks about this and agreed it had to stop.
But he wouldnt. it got to the point where he uses violence if I don't say what he wants or does what he wants. he choked me many times now. He treathened to kill me on a few occasions. Spits on me etc.
Most the time I didnt fight back anymore because im too scared.
I turned on the voice recorder on my phone many times because im scared he would actually kill me in his rage.

Still his excuse is it's my own fault for the violence to have started and he claims he never touched a woman this way. all the violence is self defence because he knows how crazy I am.

He once told me he had therapy for his blind anger, in our relationship if I was having trouble with someone he would beat up this people or threathen them if it were guys.

I know I did wrong things. I feel very guilty for it. but I did notice he has anger issues.

a year ago I called the cops because he wouldnt leave my house. he was angry I let in my brother late at night who was homeless at the time. he been angry for days and wouldnt let me sleep.
when the cops came he ended up fighting 4 cops and he was tasered 3 times. he blames it on me and my brother this happened. he tells me I almost got him killed. violence became more frequent after this.

beginning of january I told him I couldn't take it anymore. it took me weeks to get him out of my house. he had my keys and just laughed when I told him to go. some days he was nice, said to me if I pack his stuff he would go the next day. so I did but then he refuses again. I was scared to called the cops again because of what happened earlier. he's been calling me the most horrible names, broke my furniture, but finally left 2 weeks ago.

every time we broke up recently I came crawling back. He stopped begging for me not to leave a long time ago. I feel responsible for having started the violence. and every time I promised him to change. He also blames me for all the problems we have.
I changed and changed and changed. I pretty much do everything for him, but he keep complaining. and telling me I didnt change and it were all lies.

I truly felt this time I was done with him, but now I start missing him again and want him to say im not what he said I am.
It hurts he doesnt contact me, it's making me feel like I am this horrible person he is glad to not have in his life anymore.
he told me nobody wants me, and he can have much better. That pretty girls wouldn't be so desperate to talk and 'stalk' when it's over. And I guess I believe it.

I feel weak and I am scared im going to contact him again

Sorry are you for real?! such a toxic relationship. Am assuming your in America? recently i seen a news story over here that a woman went back to her violent partner when after he almost bit her nose off. She is now dead he killed her in a fit of rage. Do you want this for yourself? Think of your children surely this isnt a good environment for them.

Read all that back to yourself and ask yourself why you would want to be back in that situation. Your toxic together. Get counselling for your own issues and to over come this relationship and move on. It will never get better between you and him not contacting will make it a lot easier to make the break. Block him.

Hopefully your child isnt living with you.

Leave him and move. Far, far away.

It's typical and horrible abuse and you really didn't start this kind of thing, that's a convenient cover for his shitty behaviour. Well done on getting out, don't contact him, contact people that will help, women's aid, friends, relatives, but only those that you know will have your back.
Well done and good luck.

Im not in America, and for sure I don't expect anyone to say it's a good idea to go back into that relationship.

I just keep struggling with the feeling this has been all my fault and I am feeling the guilt.
Ofcourse I know he is to blame too, it just doesn't feel this way.
And because of that I'm scared I will make a bad descission.

I have counseling, for anxiety that started a year ago. I work and go to school now. but my selfesteem is 0.

I think you might need to talk this through with someone. You may not have been an angel but was he ever scared of you, like you were him? I doubt it.
It is a very good think he is not contacting you, I hope you manage to stay rid of him.

You need much much more counselling . Have you spoken to Women’s Aid?

This isn’t your fault.

He retains responsibility for his actions just as you do for yours.

Choking you is a massive red flag, men who do this are much much more likely to kill their partners. Lots of evidence to support this.

Phone Women’s Aid and talk to someone.

OP, abusive men always blame the woman for the abuse. It’s called gaslighting. “You made me do it”, “You annoyed me”, “It’s your fault I lost my temper”.
They never take responsibility for their own violence. They emotionally manipulate you to destroy your self confidence and make you feel guilty and worthless, so you’ll be pathetically grateful for having such a shit partner.
Please don’t even think of going back to this horrible despicable man. Find your pride and your anger. You deserve so much better than him.
Get counselling, do the Freedom program, tell your friends and family exactly what this man is like.

I think when lots of relationships end, even bad ones, sometimes people still miss each other... Or perhaps just the idea of a relationship. People come out of bad relationships sometimes and go on the rebound because they aren't over it.

It's just about getting past that stage.

I assume you've got over guys before, you'll get over this one too.

The fact you have no confidence is probably a big part of it too. I know it is easier said than done, but I think you should work on that first. You'll feel better all round, and you'll see more easily why you should feel above this relationship and have no need to go back.

Besides, being in this type of relationship will just make those confidence and self love issues even worse, then you're even more likely to stay, it's a never ending cycle until you break the cycle.

Just remember your daughter. Whatever relationship you have will feed into her ideas of what relationships are and what is normal. Don't let her think this is OK.

I think many people feel like you do though, otherwise there'd be no toxic relationships because everybody would just leave and never go back.

@Babdoc.

I think what you said is spot on.
He always says I'm a great friend to everybody, but a horrible girlfriend. And so I would be trying harder and harder to please him.
I have told my parents. (in the end he used violence when my daughter was in the house so I had to take her somewhere) and a social worker who is going to get me help.

If you're getting professional help, there is no need for you to be posting here. And posting here will not do anything apart from to refer you to get professional help.

my daughter is 11 yo.
We have talks about how this is not normal. And I know it hurts her what he says to me.
Sometimes out of nowhere she says things like: you are not ugly and fat. or Mom you're not selfish.
It does break my heart and I want to keep being strong enough to get over this all for us.

@Dohee

Well this does help. Because I was almost back at the point where I would give in to my feelings and do something stupid to get in contact again.
I been thinking like this for days now and reading these messages do give me strength.

Of course she can post here, that’s what it’s for.

OP you can’t make a man be violent. He is CHOOSING himself to be violent, then blaming you to try and control you. Stay away from him.

If you take this man back your child will hopefully be removed from you. You cannot have a child in such a (mutually) abusive relationship.

Every time you contemplate going back to him think about that, do you want to live with your child or your abuser?

It's harsh, but what you're putting that child through is far worse.

I get the sense you're in a stronger place than you think you are.

You're reaching out for help. That's a very positive step.

You are not to blame for his horrendous abuse. Over time hopefully that message will sink in.