Aibu?

[schoome]

I'm gutted that grandparents aren't that interested. They want to see grandkids but want to call over to see them not take them out for a walk for 5 minutes just to give us a break. I know I'm not entitled to any help but if they aren't helping out or making my life easier, I have no time for them. AIBU? Should I entertain?

I have twins and it's hard. I know plenty of people find things tough but I am using all my energy. It's really hard.

I think its just our generation its quite hard for us with house prices etc. I dont think parents understand - they had free university , a good nhs , good house prices. Everything in the uk is falling apart at the moment. Its a tough time and to see them swanning about complaining about things and how hard their lives are just annoys me

Oh! well that just makes you sound resentful to be honest. There's always someone worse off than us, doesn't mean we can't moan about it. You do sound down though so just stop focusing on them and their life and see how you can improve yours. Tell them you would love for them to take the kids out even for half an hour and if they don't want to, well at least you asked. They won't know you're struggling if you don't tell them but don't be resenting them because their earlier life was seemingly easier than yours is. I'm sure they had their trials and tribulations too and are just enjoying things now as they have come out the other end......and you will too. Life sucks sometimes, but it does get better (till it sucks again lol).

Not much has changed in the last 19 months that should greatly affect you - so you should’ve made a choice then about whether to have children or not.

FWIW as a user of the service, the NHS is still brilliant. And I’m not sure what relevance your other comparisons have - you do sound a lot like the previous user who had twins, with the bizarre comparisons.

Have you been to see your GP? Does your DH help out? Surely he should be stepping up when not walking and taking his children out for a walk to give you a break? Or do we think the GPs should be picking up the slack of the father?

Having children is a bloody hard and relentless job in the first couple of years so you have my sympathy.
However if I thought for one minute that my visits to my Grandson were only allowed if I made myself useful I’d tell you to where to go
Hive you thought that the visits from Grandparents might be because they want to see you as well as the babies? They’re not unpaid child minders, tolerated to give you a break
This degree of entitlement is staggering
How about you actually converse with your parents/ pil and ask them if they’d take the babies out to the park for half an hour one day?

OP, are your twins still babies? I’m wondering if you may have post natal depression, as you seem to be tired, struggling, and worried about the state of the world, feeling that your parents generation had it easier, etc.
Maybe you should have a word with your GP or health visitor.
Also, why not sit down with the grandparents, explain that you’re not coping and that you would appreciate whatever help they can offer. You may find they just didn’t realise you were struggling.
I hope things improve for you. Certainly parenting gets less exhausting and more enjoyable as your babies become more independent.
I was widowed with two babies and no relatives within 250 miles, so I do know how tough it can be. You’ll get through this, OP.
Best wishes.

I’m pretty sure your parents have probably seen worse than what you have. They are entitled to enjoy some down time now. They’ve raised their child(ten) and have the freedom to do what they please when they please - I know I will be doing when I’ve raised my children. Now it’s your turn. It’s the circle of life.

But if they are coming to visit then surely they are interested, sometimes you have to ask for what you want. Where is the harm in asking if they would like to take your children with them when they next go for a walk?

I ask and they say I need to be more organised and I'm trying my best - it really hurts because I'm quite desperate sometimes. My mother said this to wind me up.

The relationship with your parents is beginning to sound a bit toxic, no parent should be saying things to their child just to get a rise. Are you in contact with other mum's of twins? You sound so sad OP, and it doesn't sound like you are getting much support from anyone, do you get any time just for you?

Thats how i feel. My husband is supportive but he is the only one working and has a lot on his plate. My in laws are wonderful - they were providing 2 days of childcare per week for free and i was able to work. I have recently quit work because i had a horrible boss and couldnt handle it anymore - i was being drained and the pay was tiny. They have said they want to go down to one day per week i know im very lucky . I will be working one day but in a better place. Things will be better but they are very difficult at the moment and i have just realised how toxic my parents are. Its a bit of a shock.

I realised i didnt account for the fact i was working one day. My husband is as good as he can be. He doesnt notice things that need to be done around the house but will
Do if asked.

Yes in contact with other mothers of
Twins. I will be meeting with them
Soon very excited.

I hear you OP.

I havnt really got any one to take mine but DH parents are only in there early 60s.

They like to come round once in a blue moon and sit on my couch all day being waited on while I run round, I'd rather they didn't come tbh

You need to be the one to offer. Read the numerous threads on here where parents are having a hissy fit because granny wants to spend a bit of one to one time with the grandchild and see how many posters agree that theres apparently no good reason why a grandparent needs to be alone with their grandchild .

Dont leave it for them to ask you.. you ask them first .

Haha yes 😘

What age are the twins?

i have just realised how toxic my parents are - because they don't want to look after your children?

Next time they come suggest to them they take the babies on a 5 min walk so you can go and have a shower etc. But you have no right to be angry if they decline.

Because everytime i say im struggling snd upset they say something to wind me up . Always was the case.

I think there's an even split of gps who do all the childcare etc, drop over all the time to help, and those who literally just want to tick a box to say they've seen their grandchildren. They have their own lives and in some case health issues and given that they've raised their own kids it's not unreasonable for them to do anything with their gc. I'm sorry you're tired and hope it all picks up for you but your gps aren't going to help and you need to try not to think of them as being an option, take it from someone who wasted time getting irritated that ils wouldn't help. And when they're at school things honestly do get easier

Thank you so much. Youre right i am wasting time. Thanks

Schoom I have twins and OMG it was so HARD at that age.
I don't think you are overreacting at all, nor do I think you are saying 'no childcare no grandkids' as someone mentioned.

Between making sure they are fed, safe, entertained, clean, happy, and sorting out the other household jobs, there is just no time to be arranging visits, especially with a partner who works full time.

Next time they mention going for a walk could you perhaps drop in 'oooh the twins would love to go with you some time. How about ?'

Also, look into a charity called Home-Start. It is a godsend.

It seems to be the norm, at least amongst people I know, that grandparents look after their DCG loads so if you don't have that it's hard not to feel resentful when you're struggling. I have had to ask for help on a few desperate occasions from my mum and MIL and I hate asking and feel really guilty. I do appreciate I am not entitled to any help but that doesn't stop me wishing they would want to help. My mum is amazing at emotional support though, at least I have that, and they are both great at playing with my DC when they see them and have lovely relationships with them. Sounds like your mum is not an emotional or physical support and in that situation I'd say you'd be within your rights to limit contact with her. I'd suggest having a discussion with her about how her comments make you feel first though and see if she can change. On the plus side your in laws sound helpful. I think there is a lot of truth in the saying it takes a village to raise a child and I think it's very hard to do on your own. Not to mention very lonely.