Not sure what to do

[Smilemumof2]

Hi
I'm new on here, this is my first post looking for advice.
I have a 7 and 4 year old been together with husband for 8 years married for 2.
After the birth of my daughter my husband emotionally bullied me for a least 3 years. Telling me I'm not good at anything. It was every day name calling etc. last year I told him I was leaving. He said he'd change which he has. Booking holidays to Greece Florida and Lapland this year.
But I've fallen out of love with him after all the abuse I began to hate him.
I've tried to get love back but find it hard all I hear are his previous comments and often am scared of his behavior even tho he is different now.
Does anyone stay for the kids?
I feel so low
Looking for advice really
Thanks

Lots of people stay for the kids.
But this was sustained abuse and it's no surprise you've lost all the love for him.
I think some counselling for you on your own might help you get your thoughts in place.
But this is your life and your decision.
You get one shot at it.
Do you want to live the best part of it with this man?
That's the question you need to answer - honestly!
In this day and age, the kids will likely live with you into mid twenties.
That's another 20 years of this - minimum.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none, he has crossed that line. He probably "changed" too (quote marks are deliberate) when you told him you were leaving. He has not changed at all. Sadly for you and these children you are still there, why?. You can make a life for yourselves without him in it day to day. What precisely is stopping you here?.

Contacting Womens Aid could also help you.

Do not stay for the children, it will simply teach them that your relationship was based on a lie and they will not say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. You do not love this man now understandably given his abuses of you. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

Thanks for replying x
I am having counseling for the effects of the abuse, trying to improve my confidence. I went from loving life to not wanting to do anything.
I just want to be a happy Mum for my kids and give them the best life ever.
I would feel extremely selfish breaking up the family home I wouldn't have a lot of money.
Sorry I know this is Defo my decision but find it really hard to come to the right decision.
Thanks again x

It's such a relief to be single after a marriage like this. It isn't easy being a single mother, but still much easier than living with someone who makes every day a struggle.

I agree that he won't have changed for good. This phase will pass and he'll let the abuse creep back in. Sorry.

Peekyboo do you mind me asking does he see the kids now? What's your relationship like with him now?

Abisive men can always play a good game of “Ooh, I’ve changed”. They only bother with it when you’ve threatened to leave, and they only bother for long enough to get you back on the hook. Then the abuse slowly starts to ramp up again.
Read about the “cycle of abuse” - it’s classic behaviour.
OP, leopards don’t change their spots. Your heart is telling you that you’ve had enough of this abusive relationship- there is nothing left to salvage, you cannot forget years of abuse and why should you.
Your happiness is just as important as your children’s. And as Attila says, you don’t want them to think your marriage is the norm that they should model their own future relationships on.
Talk about this with your counsellor, and/or do the Freedom program.
So what if leaving him means being less well off. “Better a diet of herbs where love is, than a fatted ox and hatred therewith”, as the Bible says.

Thanks for your reply's
I really appreciate you saying why should I forget and forgive the abuse which is what my mum and husband keep saying.

@Smilemumof2
He barely showed any interest once he'd left. They're adults now and he's seen our eldest once.

It seemed like an easy switch off for him once he'd left.

Your mother has given you some really rubbish advice here re forgive and forget
She as well as your abusive husband are only acting in their own interest.

Btw was her own husband abusive as well ?

Do contact women’s aid here

@AttilaTheMeerkat
My mums had 4 marriages I'm not sure why's she's so keen for me to stay to be honest. She's had some idiots but not abusive.
I'm gonna call women's aid as I'm frightened to end it. It drives me mad as before him if I knew what I wanted I'd do it. Now I'm riddled with self doubt and not certain I can make it on my own.
Thanks again x

Babdoc it isn't just abusive men who say that they will change; abusive women (and they do exist) are exactly the same.

Smilemumof2 it is impossible for most people to forgive and forget; the very best most people can manage is to forgive. I never forgot the abuse I experienced and every time it happened it chipped away at the love I felt towards my abuser until there was nothing left. Eventually I called it a day and moved on to a better life.

@xpc316e have you got any kids?
I too feel he chipped away at my self esteem which make it hard for me to make decisions.
When you told him it was over did he fight it?

Smilemumof2, I am a man, so that does rather change how I dealt with things. There were no children involved. Ultimately though your children will be better off with one sane, well-adjusted, parent than having to see you being emotionally abused.

Yes, my wife did try and fight it. She let me leave in the end because she knew that she had eroded my self-confidence to such an extent that I'd come running back to her, as I'd be unable to cope alone. Guess what? I didn't run back to her; I stuck it out and grew. I managed alone and moved on to a much better life with someone who does not subject me to emotional abuse and control.

Be strong, and best wishes.

@xpc316e it's so good to hear your story.
You give me hope.
That's what I'm terrified off, not making it on my own.
Many Thanks xxxx

Other option is to stay and wait for him to break the good behaviour and start again...? Do you want that? You say your confidence is low but he has caused that. Do you work ? Can you get money together and make plans for the future? If you have a daughter staying will teach her that its normal to be with someone who is abusive to you. You and your DCs deserve better. MEN DO NOT CHANGE

And i know women can be abusive too...

Thanks for replying @Lozzerbmc
I gave up work last July to be a sahm
I've saved a tiny bit of money.
He does seem to have changed it's been 8 months, I haven't seen the anger or constant criticism.
I'm definitely getting back to my old self. But I'm so angry at him for eroding my self esteem and confidence. I couldn't even make a simple decision without his help.
I don't think I can forgive him and am always in fear of his reactions to things.
I know I need to have the conversation with him to leave, but it's finding the courage.
Thanks again xxx

I was going to suggest couples counselling but it sounds like the love just isn;t there anymore. I lived in an emotionally abusive relationship (not nearly as bad as yours) but it chipped away at me too. For YEARS I didn't think I could do it alone. I have 2 kids.
Sadly, I eventually got to breaking point where I walked around with anxiety all day, every day (never had that before) and I could barely sit in the same room as him.
We did nothing together anyway and I did everything with the kids.
I ended things nearly 2 years ago and while its been hard (and very stressful with selling the house), i am SO glad I did it.
And anytime I get a bit lonely on my own, I remind myself how much worse it was when he was there! Good luck.

@crappyday2018 did he accept it was over when you told him or did he fight it?
Thanks x