What would you do if someone that had been very horrible to you as a child pretty much abused you, decided to ask for forgiveness just before they died ?

[Lardlizard]

Puts you in a awkward situation as you may not want to offer forgiveness

However you. Could feel guilty after they have died

Ignore them

Nope. Wouldn't want to know. Forgiveness would only serve to make them feel better I feel in this situation.

I wouldn't be easing their guilt by forgiving them, they made their bed. Presumably they have had many years to make amends, ask for forgiveness but have chosen to do it when there is little chance of having to really confront what they did.

I'm hypothetically in this situation - should either of my parents decide to do this. I can see my dad trying it.

Anyway, I think personally it's just a way of them getting forgiveness so they can pass easily believing all is right, I find it really self serving. So my answer is no way. It's not about really being sorry for what they've done to you.

I wouldn't (won't) feel an ounce of guilt.

Nope. Although it would depend on the circumstances.

I know someone who fell out with their child-in-law and had gone NC with them. They were asked, on their deathbed, if they would receive the child-in-law by their bedside. No. Was the answer.

What would you gain from it? I think I would gain more benefit from hearing them admit how awful they had been - recognising the pain they had caused. I wouldn’t ever forgive to ease their conscience.If forgiveness would help YOU & be something that you would benefit from, it could be something of value & worth considering.

Depends, we're they a child when they did it or an adult. If they were a child I would forgive as they were probably like it because of their upbringing. If adult then they knew better by that point so wouldn't however I understand what you mean about guilt, so it depends if you think it will eat you up.

The most I might bring myself to say is "its in the past and I've managed to move on from it". I couldn't offer forgiveness because having your childhood dogged by a bully never goes away so it's not really something you can forgive.

No, it's not for you, or they would have asked sooner. You don't owe them this.

I have a relative who I am estranged from. They are unlikely to contact me. In the future, if I find out they have died at all, it will probably be 3rd hand a long time after their death.

I truly believe that you can't really ask for forgiveness, you have to earn it. By your actions and words. To ask for it is incredibly selfish if there's nothing to back it up. I'd ignore in that situation.

Unless I had actually forgiven them, then I'd ignore the request.

My Dsis was abused as a child by her friend's grandfather and he asked to see her when he was on his deathbed, presumably to ask forgiveness for what he'd done to her. She refused to go to see him because she didn't want him to feel better about himself, she wanted him to die with the guilt. I think she was right.

I think if they were truly remorseful they wouldn't ask for forgiveness. It is for them to acknowledge what they did, express any regrets, and for you to decide whether that merits forgiveness. If they believed they deserved to be forgiven I'd suspect they weren't all that sorry...

Personally, I imagine I would, to avoid any danger of me fretting in the future, about whether I was right to withhold it, because I am a serial fretted. So, for selfish reasons I would. But then I am talking hypothetically at this time and it would very much depend as well on the nature of the situation I was being asked to forgive, wouldn't it? It depends on where your line is and whether you'd give it a second thought in the future.

Fretter not fretted.

Completely agree with Annie

I've not been asked to do this but I was asked to do something that was very similar and I refused.

Never felt any guilt for it and, on the occasions I've remembered it as the years go by, I'm increasingly pleased I stuck to my guns. I think if I've relented, I'd have lost a bit of self respect.

I matter and I don't have to do something for someone else's peace of mind if it's going to damage mine.

They can apologise but they have no right to ask for your forgiveness.That's not the forgiveness you give for yourself so that you can move on. This is them wanting you to tell them, "it's ok".

Not a chance.
Fuck them.

It is for them to acknowledge what they did, express any regrets, and for you to decide whether that merits forgiveness. If they believed they deserved to be forgiven I'd suspect they weren't all that sorry.

This^

and this: Never felt any guilt for it and, on the occasions I've remembered it as the years go by, I'm increasingly pleased I stuck to my guns. I think if I've relented, I'd have lost a bit of self respect

People can be sorry for themselves that they are dying, naturally. Is the dying some sort of leverage for some people ? As in, 'you can't deny me now - I'm dying.'

I have an in-law who was once close to a sibling but there was a bitter falling out between them. In law knew their sibling had been diagnosed with cancer two if not three years before sibling was on their death bed. It took until the dying sibling was within weeks of death for them to feel heroic enough to visit them at their bedside. (Which would have included international travel back to the 'homeland'.) They would have been to stricken by their imminent death to really do anything apart from be pleased for the visit and be suitably ok with it as in too late / don't have the strength to argue.

Disgusting behaviour of the potential visitor IMO. But that's what they are like. Drama much ? That visit was also just what the soon to be widow really didn't need. (Family politics) Still, never to late to put your own need over someone else eh ?

Ignore them
or use some of their cremains as cat litter

You don't have to forgive. Some things aren't forgivable and some should never be forgiven. You can't make yourself feel forgiveness anyway, so if you don't feel it, don't say it.
Forgiveness is an odd thing- it's not saying what they did was Ok. It's kind of having some compassion for the person who wronged you. Some kind of understanding of what made them behave as they did. And not wanting vengeance.
Are they religious? If so, it's not about you and them anyway. It's about them and their god and their own conscience.

What everyone else said

I'd probably say I'm glad they've realised how awful they were and ask why they haven't apologised before they are on their deathbed.

I'd ask why they were so horrible to me. I honestly think people are born good and that something in their own childhood or life experience has caused such behaviour.

I wouldn't forgive or tell them I had, but I'd say God will forgive them if they are genuine.

I have a family member I am NC with. If he was dieing I would go and see him, but I would go for my own closure not his. To forgive is not something you can just magic up because someone happens to be dieing. There are some actions I can move on from and some I will always view as, well, unforgivable. I would talk to him, but I would not lie about how much damage he has done me or offer false forgiveness just for his comfort.