Husband cheated on me and has left me and two Kids

[Sjames2408]

I can hardly belief I am posting this, my husband (been together over a decade) has left me and my two young children. We separated around 10 months ago but I was trying to coparent and keep things as normal as possible for the children. I suppose I did hope he would see sense and come back to his family and we would be able to work things out, but mainly wanted to do what was best for the kids.

Fast forward to now, I found out the reason we separated was around 8 months prior to us separating he had cheated on me when my youngest was barely 1 year old while he was working abroad. During the separation period he treated me appallingly and was cruel and nasty but I still tried to be civil for the kids sake.

His whole family was aware of this other women and he has had her over in the UK for the last few weeks. No one told me. My husband told me had to work nightshift so couldn’t collect the children on the agreed days, while he was in fact sight seeing with this women. Since separating he has been staying with his parents and they welcomed this women into their home.

The first I knew of any of this was I received messages from a fake FB profile.

I really do not mean to offend anyone but to add to the humilation the women he has ran off with is a Filipino maid.

I have been struggling with depression probably since we separated and have recently been put on medication. I just don’t know how to move forward with my life. I desperately want to do what’s best for the children but trying to keep things normal for them has been such a strain. While separated I still relied on my husband to help with stuff and I’m just overwhelmed and struggling to try and do everything myself. So much so I have recently been signed off work. The stress of that is not helping at all, as I need to provide for myself and my children.

I’m sorry you are having a tough time its awful you have found out about OW this way and hurtful she has been accepted into the family. At the beginning of new relationship men are so selfish. He still needs to support and care for his children and terrible he should let you and them down. How old are they? Assume you have had legal advice as to your situation re house and finances etc? Have you any family nearby to support you?

Hi, thanks for your message. They are 4 and 2. I haven’t had legal advice, I just don’t feel able to do anything right now. I am ensuring kids get to nursery & their classes, that seems to be all I can do. Up until I found out about this other women I was also throwing myself into work but since this all came out, I am struggling to do anything. My aim is to make sure the kids routine is not disturbed and keep things as normal as possible for them. I’m signed off for a month, so I all I have to focus on is the kids.

Prior to all this coming out, my husband had access to the kids whenever he wanted, I don’t want to stop the kids seeing him but it’ll be torture for me. I just can’t see light at the end of the tunnel right now

Just wanted to offer you a hand hold. My DH has just left me for another woman. It’s shit. You can get through this.

I am so sorry. Please seek legal advice. Protect yourself

Just wanted to offer sympathy. I think you’re best to go see a solicitor ASAP about your rights. He’s acted appallingly. Are you claiming all of your single parent benefits too. Plus child maintenance. Is he paying everything he should be? If it was me, I’d stop him coming and going as he pleases. Set up regular access including him having the kids at his parents one night every week and every other weekend so that you can start to rebuild your life. Time to get your life back. If it was me, I’d sign up to some dating sites and start dating just to make it clear to your knobhead STBXH that two can tango. He’s been stringing you along for over a year now. No more. You deserve better than this

I'm so sorry OP, you must be devastated.

How has his contact with DC been up to now - has he been seeing them in your home or taking them to his family? Has he said anything about residence and contact going forward?

Definitely don't start dating, jeez! Maybe a couple of one night stands for an ego boost...

Second the looking for legal and financial advice.
It's easy to get caught up in the pain and forget all the other ways he can still screw you up.

Thanks so much everyone. I will have to get some legal advice I know this for certain and I know he has already.... I’m just in such a haze and still so upset and hurt, I just want to let the dust settle so I can take in what they have to say. Because of my earnings I don’t qualify for anything, the only thing I think I am entitled to is a reduction in council tax as I am the only adult staying here, so I will need to do something about that. Given the other women’s background, I have removed our savings from the joint account, he previously took a large sum of money out of there without telling me. I told him I have done this and why.

Up until this all came out, I never felt lonely, I have a very busy life with work and the kids and was use to my husband working away for weeks at a time so know I can do it myself, but I always knew he would be back to lighten the load and even after separation I knew I could still rely on him for the kids up until very recently. I feel like all that has gone now. A decade of love and friendship destroyed. We had grown apart I accept that and if we had separated because of that and he met someone else at that point I probably would have had a little cry but would have gotten over it and still tried to be civil and coparent with him as much as we could. In the immediate after mass I seemed to be able to get on, but everything is just getting harder, going outside and taking the kids to nursery was so hard today, I couldn’t look at anyone in the face. I just want to curl up and be left alone which I know I can’t do as I have two little ones relying on me.

My kids are so little but they can see past my act that everything is ok, I can see it in their little faces and they are being so clingy, the impact of all of this on them is what is killing me the most. My eldest asked if their daddy didn’t like them anymore, I of course told them that he loved them very much but that hurt more than anything else so far.

Can anyone shed a light on what happens with the finances on separation. I’ve always earned significantly more than my husband so all of the savings have came from me. Although we have been in the house for a number of years the market has slumped where we are and the mortgage is just about the same as the current value of the house or mortgage might actually be more than the house is worth.

Regarding contact he does want to agree something but what he suggested was unrealistic and not in the best interest of the children and unfair on me too. I feel he wants the overnight stays to reduce what he contributes towards them. I didn’t know anything about how much he has to contribute but that is all he is contributing, again he had looked into it. I will have to contact him to get something arranged. Clearly I do not want the children exposed to the tart and he has agreed to that. She knew my husband was married with 2 children so I feel like she warrants that description!! According to him she goes back overseas on Friday.

He hasn’t contributed towards the kids Christmas presents or birthday presents party. I didn’t want to embarrass him as I know he doesn’t make a huge amount of money so didn’t even ask him to contribute half just something towards it. It makes me so mad thinking I was worried about embarrassing him over not being able to fully contribute towards kids presents and look what he was doing behind my back.

You've lost all sympathy from me by saying your ashamed because she's a fillipino maid and calling her a tart. It's your husband who acted appallingly so direct your anger at him. Also you can't stop him introducing your kids to him if he wants.

Given your financial situation you need legal advice ASAP. If you know his earnings you can use the online calculator to work out how much child maintenance he should pay.

Shut up Porridgeface

I have directed my anger to my husband. I’m not asking for sympathy, however she knew my husband was married with two children. I am just saying how I feel, I am ashamed for me it makes it more humiliating. If that makes me a terrible person then I am a terrible person. I posted on here not to offend anyone but as the details are so humiliating I feel like I can’t talk to anyone else. I was just hoping for some guidance from others who have been through similar situation. I have spilled my guts all of it and I’m sorry if you don’t like how I feel porridgeface but I can’t change how I feel.

And no he can’t introduce my two innocent young children to her at all.

So sorry OP, please get legal advise. You’re not a terrible person and don’t have to explain yourself.

Porridgeface, You’re really not a nice person.

Well said dard . I think given the circumstances the OP is ‘allowed’ to direct her anger where she likes.
OP if I were you for now I would concentrate on you and your children . Sort your finances, make official plans when he is seeing the children - not just when it suits him. Try to move forward as best you can. You are doing well.

Thanks guys and thanks for the advice. I am trying to get a family law solicitor organised now.

Husband or ex as I should call him now keeps saying that he doesn’t want the house or any money but I know I cannot trust a word he says.

Now comes all the apologies and how much he hates himself. He is only sorry now because I know what has been going on, he wasn’t sorry last couple of weeks when he couldn’t collect the kids because he was galavanting with the tart and he told me he was working. I’m still so mad. How do I move on from feeling so angry, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I’ve wasted enough of my time on him.

My ex did the same to me many years ago my kids were 10 and 6 at the time, my kids cried everyday for their dad i was really hurting but kept a brave face for them, the first thing i did was contact a solicitor i only worked part time then, my kids needed to be looked after financially not saying it was easy, he would have done anything to pay as little as he could, i know how your feeling now but time does heal, 2 years after my divorce i met someone else and we've been together 27 years, i wish you all the best, chin up

You use that anger to getting organised. Emotionally and financially. Let him be sorry for himself. Let him be sorry for the mess and heartbreak he has caused to his family. But you can move forward with your children, it will be hard but you can do it. Sadly many women do.
My sisters ex treated her appallingly, out until all hours with the OW, even went on holiday with her etc but wouldn’t move out of the family home so my sister had to witness all of this. It was a truly awful time for her.
10 years on, my sister is married to a lovely man, whilst her ex is single, living in a bedsit and broke. He fathered another child whom he doesn’t see. He text my sister a few weeks ago to say they should have never split up! My sister was able to laugh in his face and told him to get a life.
I do believe the best revenge is to succeed, live well and be happy. All of these things will be within your grasp in good time.

Thank you happyhillock. I’m sorry you had a twat of an ex too. It’s good to hear you managed to move forward. At this point I definitely do not want to be with anyone else, I just want to focus on the kids and getting back to work. May be when they are older my feelings will change, but I think after all of this I just think I’m done with relationships.

It is absolutely horrible what you are having to go through @Sjames2408 but it is time to get tough.

You need to ensure that your kids are taken care of for the future, you need to see a doctor to get some anti depressants before you spiral deeper into that big black hole.

I know you still love him but lets face it he has no respect for you, pull on your frilliest knickers go and see a solicitor and start living for you and your children.

This does not mean that you need to stop him seeing the children, but you need to make alternative arrangements for the kids to be collected and dropped off.

Arrangements need to be put in place and on paper, you need to sort out a settlement and get financial support for the kids.

Do not fall for any bullshit he will be feeding you which you know he will once he realises you have managed to get yourself straight and sorted.

You can do this lady! You are doing this to ensure that your children do not have to go without and that you regain your self respect that he took away from you.

Sit down draw up a to do list, top needs to be financial paperwork, write everything down, when he started the affair, when the other woman came over, how much he earns, how much the house is worth, how much is pension is worth, how much it would cost to raise the kids and include hobbies in that too. No reason your children need to go without just because daddy could not keep his decrepit dick in his pants.

Get a damn good solicitor and take the twat for everything, remember you do not need to be civil or friends with this man. HE can still have a good relationship with your children without having to see or speak to you.

You use that anger, it will help ensure that he does not wangle his way out of this disaster he created for himself. Why should he be as happy as larry with his mail order bride. @Sjames2408

That is just horrible for your sister had to go through that. I agree whole heartily that the best revenge is to succeed. It just seems so impossible right now. I believe the medication I am now on should kick in a couple of weeks so I hope once I’m on more of an even keel I can move forward.

I did have a fleeting temptation to out him on Facebook for what he had done and his family for not having the decency to tell me as they are very much about appearances. However, I managed to think of the kids and I wouldn’t want them to look back when they are older and see me behalf like that. Also doing stuff like that is just not me.

I completely understand how you feel and have been where you are. He left 8 months ago so although this new info is still raw, you must get on with things and please please take control. You file for divorce on grounds of adultery. You don't have to name her and there is no great benefit in doing so. If you file you have more control of the process. Get legal advice Now and under no circumstances believe anything he tells you about the legal process or financial split. He is no longer on your side. If you know what he earns put the figures into the online CMS calculator so see what the minimum is and dont for one second feel sorry for him.

With regards to the house, your solicitor will advise. Him being the 'guilty' one doesn't affect the split of assets. What does is who is the resident parent. You may well have to buy him out of the house in order to stay put. Look into benefits.. As a single claimant you can get help. With childcare costs even if you earn a fair bit.

On the emotional side, just take one day at a time. Do easy meals for you and the kids and just keep things ticking over. Get real life support and do not take any shame on yourself or feel embarrassed.. You have not lost a competition with a Filipino maid, you have gained the freedom from a weak manchild who cannot cope with adult responsibilities. Remember that. Get angry. Get organised, get legal advice x

So sorry to hear what you are going through

In the nicest possible way I'd stop calling her a tart, you have no idea what he told her, did he not say he was separated from you?

You definitely need legal advice asap, he must pay child maintenance, get it rolling and get your single person council tax discount.

Ensure he stays an ex, there's no coming back from this now. Your kids are young and very resilient and adaptable at that age, I know it's bloody hard but put on a smile, it will actually lift your mood without you even noticing it. Get your family and friends supporting you, they will want to help as much as possible given the circumstances.

And make sure when he has the kids, either at yours or where ever that you go out, try an evening class, a coffee at a friends, anything to get you a little break away.

Your children will still adore you OP, sounds like you are an amazing mum.

Thanks beaverhsusen. I am usually so assertive so this wallowing and being unable get stuff done is just not me. The shit part is I have to be civil as even my part time salary is more than his, so I have to be careful he doesn’t try to take anything from me.

I’ve provided for him and the family, so we’ve not had to stress over money and the kids can do nice things, I’ve allowed him to have a good standard of life because I worked my arse off. Me working to much even after we separated right up until last week is what he has always hassled me about to the extent he tried to get me to
leave my job. Absolute knob has well and truly tried to ruin my whole life