Help neededhow do we get our mojo back?

[Tiredofsleepingonmyown]

Hi all,

Reaching out for some help/advice. Been married for 14.5 years with 3 kids and over the last 24 months our sex life has just disappeared and I feel completely lost. We’ve had a really tough couple of years renovating a house and got f**cked over by a rogue builder for the tune of £50k (long story) which I am mainly responsible for so had a good few months of working (both with full time), getting home, sorting kids out and then working on the house till midnight or 1am to try and get the house done. House is now totally liveable but still needs decorating, furnishing etc but no longer the same pressure to get it done. Our relationship also took a battering, which I understand and I feel my wife has lost all faith in me. Subsequently our sex life is practically non existent (5 times in last 2 years - in 2 weeks it’ll be 3 in 2 years) and I am really struggling with it emotionally. Her career has also rocketed over the last probably 4 years, she is now the main bread winnner (which I’m often reminded of), which I also feel is part of the problem as she works long hours, her job is pretty stressful etc. I still earn a good wage but without doubt my job is far less demanding but is also totally flexible, I can work whatever hours I want which works well with the kids as she is often away for work a couple of times a month. I absolutely adore my wife, I think she’s beautiful, a great mum and I’m proud to call her my wife but things are really strained between us, we argue at the slightest things. I do a lot round the house, generally get the kids ready for school every morning before the nanny comes and usually relieve the nanny, cook them tea, bath and stories for our youngest, do the washing etc but this is because my work allows. But I often feel when she does come home she will only focus on the negatives - what I haven’t done, or if kids are misbehaving it’s my fault. Makes me feel lousy. Things have been better between us since the house is more or less there but still no intimacy. I’ve tried all sorts of avenues, tried to joke about it (let’s fool around sort of stuff), told her we need to talk and that I miss the emotional connection that sex brings but it usually ends in an argument either that I’m putting too much pressure on her, or she’ll say she’s thinking about work, the house, kids and all I’m thinking about is sex. I don’t mention it often but as the weeks and months roll on it gets harder and harder. If I mention it I’m pressuring her if I don’t it’s never going to happen. I’ve tried to ask her what i can do to take pressure off her but again ends up in arguments. I don’t know where to turn. I can’t seem to do anything right, depressed and lonely. Most nights she sleeps on the sofa as tired from work. If we do sleep in the bed together she’s up early even on weekends and out of bed like a shot, if I get up before her she’s out of bed by the time I’m out of the shower. We used to have a good sex life, and she enjoys it when we do but now 8 months and counting. What do I do? Feel like I’m in a never ending loop. Hope that things will improve and then the lows when they don’t. Any advice appreciated.

Sounds miserable. It's her stonewalling you that's making it worse. When she won't even discuss it! Do you ever get to do things together as a couple? Go out for a drink or a day out?

That can really help. It sounds like she's allowed her work to take over.

I’ve tried everything. I arranged for babysitter a couple of weeks ago and went to the local pub for food and drinks and it was lovely, just talking and spending quality time with each other but nothing ‘romantic’ and then back to the grind. I try to be romantic, tell her I love her, which I think she appreciates but never get the same back. She was away for valentines so I hid chocolates and a card in her bag and sent her a photo of the kids and I holding up messages saying we missed her. I never got a card and when she got back she was shattered and fell asleep with the kids, and then back to the norm. I was hoping with it being valentines, corny I know, there would be some effort. I just can’t see it continuing as is but don’t want to lose my family. I don’t think she sees any issue, today emailed me about taking a sabbatical in 4 years time and taking the kids traveling so she sees I future and I do think she loves me deep down but I can’t see our relationship surviving if this goes on for too long

Have you thought about going to relationship counselling?

It sounds like she's avoiding situations where sex might happen by getting up early, sleeping on the sofa etc - so you really need to talk about it in a non-pressured way or with the help of a counsellor. She's obviously feeling you're being pushy.

Also, is it possible her head's been turned by someone else?

I’m pretty sure her heads not been turned by anyone else, I have thought that was a possibility but I’m pretty sure not. I have suggested counselling but she’s not interested. I don’t think she thinks there’s an issue despite what I say. She tells me that if I start loving myself more she’s find me more attractive but it’s hard too when you feel rejected all the time.

"It sounds like she's avoiding situations where sex might happen by getting up early, sleeping on the sofa etc"

Good point Category12, it sounds like she's checked out of the relationship. The attraction she had in the earlier part of the marriage has gone, to the point where even the thought of physical intimacy makes her uncomfortable. Its probably not your fault OP, you sound like a good guy, but this happens.

As a last resort, sit her down and say you want to go to counselling. If she resists, or it doesn't work, then time to accept the marriage is over. Honestly by the sound of it she'd be grateful if you pulled the plug on it.

Thanks but that’s what I fear the most. I’ll try. I can’t give up. Can’t imagine life without my wife and kids.

Regain her respect by regaining your own self respect.
I don’t know the ins and outs of your life, obviously, but a lot of the pressure comes from the ‘admin’ work. Top that with being the breadwinner, having 3 kids and a husband who thinks all your problems will be solved if only you had more sex... I can see where she is coming from.

She sounds exhausted.
When you say you get the kids ready in the morning, what do you mean? Do they still leave with half the PE kit behind? Is the table still covered in breakfast stuff when you leave? Do they brush their teeth before they go?

Who does the food shop, who thinks of the menu for the week?
Who keeps track and makes all the kids’ appointments?
Who remembers to pay for the after school clubs?
Who books the holidays?
Who is first to realise the kids need new shoes/clothes? Who takes them shopping?
Who looks for better deals for electrics and gas/phones etc.

How does she spend/does she have any time for herself?

Do you actually listen to her, when she tells you stuff, or does she have to ‘nag’ to get the things done?

In the morning I get kids out of bed, washed, teeth done, hair brushed, put washing on, her water bottles and snacks. Nanny gives them breakfast. Food shop either one of us, I do most of cooking for kids, she normally just gets a bowl of cereal as doesn’t want me to cook for her. She takes kids to dentist when she goes, I take them to piano, swimming and dancing and pay the fees. I sort holidays. She normally first to realise they need new shoes etc but I buy stuff like school clothes when I feel I need to but she is definitely more on the ball here. She sorts utility bills, I look after pensions, kids Savings, we have a rental property that I look after. I also clean bathrooms and hoover house at weekend. I do try hard.

When she has time to herself she’ll generally be looking at furniture for the house on online shopping. I’ll ofteb take the kids out for a couple of hours at the weekends so she can get on but would rather we did that as a family.

She is the main breadwinner but that’s her choice really, I earn a six figure sum so it’s not like she needs to work but she wants to.

And it’s not just about sex, it’s little things like hugs, kisses for no reason etc. Maybe we are just naturally drifting apart. It feels ok the only one who wants to make things better and obviously not something I can do in my own

Is she put off kisses and hugs because you'll take it as a prelude to sex?

It may be an idea to agree to take sex off the table completely for a couple of months, to take off the pressure and work on reconnecting romantically. Personally, I'd book relationship counselling and put it in her diary - you can afford it so can do that quite quickly.

"It may be an idea to agree to take sex off the table completely for a couple of months"

That certainly can't hurt. But this can only work if she misses sex and wants to work towards restoring intimacy. By the sound of it she doesn't want to have sex ever again with OP.

Tired your original post is a bit hard to read due to lack of paragraphs, but re-reading it this line stood out: "She is now the main bread winnner (which I’m often reminded of)".

It seems like she's lost respect for you as she earns more and works longer hours than you. I know in these enlightened times this isn't supposed to matter, but many women seem to lose respect if their partner is less "ambitious" than them.

Scott72, my point was more that OP says he also misses kisses and cuddles, but those aren't happening either. If she is feeling that any sign of affection will lead to him expecting sex, then taking it off the table completely and allowing her to feel "safe" that he won't push for it, may let her drop her guard and be affectionate, if she still feels that way. It isn't intended as a means of re-igniting her sexual interest in him. Just seeing what is left there, if anything.

Scott, think you are probably right that she thinks I should be more ambitious but I’m a contractor so not like I can move up in the company I work for. Also, the reality is if I did look for another role then I would need to work longer hours and childcare would become more difficult. We can’t both work 10hr days, something would have to give and I know her role wouldn’t allow it so a catch 22. And I am happy where I am for the time being, I wouldn’t really want to move.

On a plus note I did find a valentines card under my pillow she’d put there last week before she went away, so at least heirs some positive thought. I will try and look at counselling but worried she won’t have time for it. I just feel rejected at the moment.

I feel like you are the male version of myself!!! My husband and I haven't had sex since we conceived my daughter (she will be 2 in March!!!). I do love him but his treatment of me has lead me to feel a lot of resentment towards him. I don't know if his sex drive has just fallen if the face of the earth but he won't discuss it, he won't offer any reassurance and certainly doesn't seem interested in getting any help. I feel your pain and am sorry you are going through this!! I know myself how hard it is to feel like you constantly try and get nothing back!!! I hope you can recover from it. She is lucky to have you

Thanks toriaa. How do you cope with it? I find myself in a constant rollercoaster of depression and hope. I don’t even consider it during the week but as the weekend approaches I’ll try and plan an evening together, a meal just the two of us, a movie, just simple stuff hoping that this may be the opportunity (I rarely mention it - probably once every couple of months), nothing happens. Monday comes and it’s another week gone, the longer it goes on the more I think about it, and I just feel really low. If we talk about it I’m putting pressure on her if we don’t I feel isolated. Loads of stuff bothers me, any references to sex on tv and my heart sinks.

Sounds like she needs to be given choice: face up to mending the marriage or call it a day. All the advice here telling you to back off and take sex off the table sounds like it would just feed her proclivity for avoidance. Good luck, poster, you sound like a straight-up guy.

I am exactly the same!! Although week days and weekends seem to be totally out of bounds for us!!! I do think my sex drive is much higher than his but all sorts crosses my mind and I wanna scream at him "any hot blooded man would love it to be offered on a plate", I'll wear nice underwear for him and make a real effort but it honestly goes completely unnoticed!! I don't want to hurt his feelings but feel how can he not know how hurtful he is being??!! We watch anything on the TV that is remotely rude in the most awkward environment ever (like when you would be sat with your parents!!! 😂). I try to evaluate if the relationship is strong enough to hold up without the sex or intimacy but I am not convinced. I totally get it and wish I could offer some advice to you that would help but I think we are in a very similar position to each other!! It's awful and I really sympathise!!!

I'm sorry you're in this position, but to be honest I'm not entirely sure what your nanny does - it sounds as if you do all the childcare!!!

Sorry, completely missed the point of your post. I think your only chance is counselling. She is stonewalling you and avoiding intimacy. I'm not surprised you're upset.

Could you sit her down and just say. "I miss you. I miss us."

What would she say?

Sit her down. Say, "I want and need a sex life. I want it with you, the woman I love and adore. If that's not what you want, we must go our own ways."

Scheduling sex works for many couples: Sat night, for example.

It does look like she is looking for excuses to avoid contact . But she still has feelings for you . Can you not take the emphasis of the sex and suggest a week away on your own together, but promise no pressure in that direction just a week of talking and relaxation and hand holding etc. Say you want to talk about everything in your relationship except sex. I think she feels under pressure and is probably feeling guilty as well but perhaps somehow has lost respect for you in some way ? But I think she owes you an explanation and you won’t get that unless you take her away from the current environment.

Lovesmarties - I get where you are coming from but I’m not ready to give her an ultimatum yet. I’ve got a family to thing of and don’t want to push her further away. May be a last resort if I don’t get anywhere but I could see that could get her back up and maybe put us down a path we don’t need to go down. I guess it’s all to do with timing and when we are both in the right frame of mind. Time will tell

Susie - that would be great but getting someone to look after the kids for a week wouldn’t be easy. We moved to be closer to her family so I don’t have my folks to look after the kids (I could explain the situation to them) and wouldn’t want to discuss that level of my personal life with my in laws who are great and would take them. And then there’s getting time off work. But I think the kids are going to the in-laws for a week over the Easter holidays so maybe a chance to take her out for a meal or drinks then. I’ll need to think about how to frame it as don’t want her to think I only want to get in her knickers (which I do but even a passionate kiss, a elongated hug would be a step forward, I’m trying to focus on baby steps).

As for today, came home feeling miserable, walked in the door and she told me I shouldn’t be wearing my new jacket for work as I’d ruin it, so straight off I was pissed. Decided to build a new storage system for the kids playroom as didn’t want to argue, and potentially gives us time to spend together at the weekend, and over the evening things mellowed.... and for the first time in a week she’s gone to bed in bed.

Thanks for all your posts, nice to know I’m not alone, although sorry to hear others going through what I’m going through as it’s horrible. Given me food for thought. Will try and broach the subject of counselling but will make sure the timing is right. Will keep you posted!