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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and exes

18 replies

howehe2 · 19/02/2019 22:16

Hey Guys,
I have a little bit of an issue and i am hoping for advise. My husband is very private and likes to have his own things, and i respect this. Today i was looking for a back up battery for my phone and stubled upon an old camera that he had saved. I was curious and uploaded the pictures to my laptop. It was sex videos and pictures of him and a long term girlfriend that he had had for 8 years.

I am not sure if he knew they were still on it, but it brought up all kinds of insecurities in me. Of course i could not help it and watched everything. I feel very insecure and i am not sure how to appreach the issue. I dont want to come at him and take him completely off guard, but i also want him to delete them. She was very beautiful and they were doing things that my husband and i have not done.

Recently ihave felt as if i have to work extra hard to get him active or get him to have sex. I feel like an idiot and overly insecure. Advise would be soooo greatly appreceiated.

Thank you guys!

OP posts:

babybabybaby1 · 19/02/2019 22:49

Hi I'm sorry I have no advice but didn't want to just read and run.
That must have been so difficult to watch, your a braver woman than I. All I can suggest is to confront him and ask why he still has this. If he won't delete it all then I would be rethinking your relationship. Having those sorts of videos of an ex is not okay
best of luck

bullyingadvice2017 · 19/02/2019 22:59

When I read likes to have his own things and privacy I knew you were going to find something dodge. Bet he's got more secrets in his private things.

Original poster

howehe2 · 19/02/2019 23:00

Thank you, he will be getting off of work soon, and i am a shrivled mess.

OP posts:

Original poster

howehe2 · 19/02/2019 23:02

bullyingadvice2017 what if he is just private?

OP posts:

Newadventure · 19/02/2019 23:06

Oh man!!! Why did you watch it!? 🤦‍♀️ awww god no wonder you're feeling awful, bless your heart
I think you need to tell him so you can work through this together. He probably doesn't even know they're still there and will be motified. 😳

cheshirecatgrinning · 19/02/2019 23:08

they were doing things that my husband and i have not done.

I used to do things with my ex that I don't do with DH. It was fun to try things out at the time. I'm now done with it and perfectly happy not doing it anymore.

MarieG10 · 19/02/2019 23:19

Three things

You need to talk about what you found. Has he just forgotten he had them or was he saving them?
Secrecy re his phone. There shouldn't be secrets. Whilst I don't go searching my husbands phone, we both can have access and know each other's passwords.

Depending on answers to one and two above, if your relationship remains intact, then perhaps discuss your sex life. Are you happy, is he happy. Just because he did it with an ex, he may not want to do with you and. Importantly you may not want to try them. However, maybe you might in due course want to spice things up but it needs to be because you both want to.

Ina good relationship a good sex life with some adventure is nearly always welcome by both parties

honeylane · 19/02/2019 23:26

You poor thing how horrid

It comes down to whether he remembered they were there or not, and whether you believe him

category12 · 19/02/2019 23:31

Really? Why would you do that?

It's an old camera - you had no business uploading the photos and videos - it was his past, and he's evidently not looking at them if you had to physically upload the pictures to see them.

If I were you, I'd just bloody suck it up and refrain from going through his old stuff in future.

LemonTT · 19/02/2019 23:36

I would be very unhappy if my spouse or partner intruded in the way you have. It was not a stumble across, it needed to be charged and you needed to transfer the files. Now even up to then, it’s bad but not that bad. But why on earth watch the video. It was private between them from before you. All you found out was he had sex with his girlfriend and they videoed it. Then didn’t delete it from the camera. Why did you watch. I hope you have deleted it from your laptop. It was not yours to copy.

For a lot of people this would be seen as an unforgivable step over a boundary. If he values his privacy this is likely to be the case with him. It doesn’t matter that some people think it is ok to snoop, he may not.

Newadventure · 19/02/2019 23:37

Also.. I sort of feel bad for his ex too!
Imagine how she would feel to know her exs wife had seen her like that.. shes not done anything wrong here.. Even for that alone I think he should get rid of them.
really want to say delete them yourself but that would be bad. Woops..

Sunnydays78 · 19/02/2019 23:41

He will absolutely know they’re there! There’s no way you forget something like that.
I think it’s really disrespectful to have that in your home now! His reaction will be interesting.

BitOfFun · 19/02/2019 23:56

Why on earth did you do that? How would you feel if he had done the same thing to you- ferreting out stuff from your past and then watching it?

Original poster

howehe2 · 20/02/2019 01:02

To all of you, i don't know why i did it. I don't have stuff like that from my past and i guess it was pure curiosity! I do deeply regret it, but now it ia out. I cant un-see it, but i also can not ask him to delete it. Oh my gosh! I am an idiot, but what to i do?!

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 20/02/2019 07:00

I think you need to tell him what you’ve done. I’d be livid

TearingUpMyHeart · 20/02/2019 07:06

Ouch. I have sex tapes and photos of a lot of different exes. I don't look through them but I wouldn't delete them for anyone either. Your insecurities about your relationship as it is now are what I would focus on. Personally, I would ignore those videos - if you tell your dh, you have to be prepared for him to be justifiably angry, and to refuse to delete them.
And that poor woman. You were really out of order to invade her privacy that way as well. Yuck.

LemonTT · 20/02/2019 09:01

It’s difficult to advise you without knowing how you feel and what you want to achieve. Equally not knowing your DH means we are guessing how he will react.

A few people have attributed feelings and suggested resolutions. But this is about you and him. Think about why it matters but be mindful that some things can never be achieved. Everybody has a past and everyone has things they want to keep private. They might be trivial things or quite racey things. Demanding access to everything is unhealthy and will never bring resolution.

poglets · 20/02/2019 21:03

Well to be totally honest with you OP, that camera would be in the bin now...never to be seen again. That's how I deal with stuff like that. Zero tolerance. In my life, my husband doesn't keep footage/photos of him fucking other women. And I don't give a shiny shit about whether anyone thinks that is unreasonable of me. 🤷‍♀️

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