Advice Sought...

[JGarner5000]

Hi All,

Whilst ultimately I realise that I am the only one who can make a decision on this, I would like some advice from the wider forum as to what you think I should do.

I am in my early thirties, married 18 months. My wife and I have had issues from even before we were married but we (mainly me) swept them under the carpet as I thought they would get better. The issues are down to intimacy and attraction. My wife and I get on like a house on fire - there is nobody that makes each other laugh as much as well, each other. We really are best friends. My worry is that that's where we are now. Just friends. I feel like I have lost my physical attraction for her. I am never up for sex even though she is. We maybe had sex 4/5 times last year.

I totally appreciate that as time goes on that part of the relationship can drop off significantly....but we are still young and newly married - this shouldn't be happening. At the start of our relationship it was OK but has gradually stopped. I feel like we are almost too close in a way which I appreciate sounds strange. I think about being with other people sexually (and actually in a relationship way sometimes too) and that excites me far more than it does with her. I feel terrible saying that, but it's true.

At the same time, we've been together overall 6 years and I can't imagine on the one hand being without her. But i'm just not happy, and neither is she deep down. The hardest part is that there is nothing bad that either of us has done to each other - it would be easier if we hated each other or cheated etc (which i/we haven't), but because we are happy to an extent, I don't know what to do.

We are in a sort of limbo where we could just stay like this forever and it wouldn't be so bad in some ways, but ultimately she wants children and I'm reluctant to go down that route until I work out what I want to do. I wouldn't want to bring children into this until I know we're OK (or not).

I just fear regretting my decision one way or another but I will never know what is the right decision, whether we stay or separate. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you

J

ultimately she wants children and I'm reluctant to go down that route until I work out what I want to do

Yes, but she only has a limited amount of time to have children whereas you don't. If you love and care about her happiness, you need to be honest with her, and give her time to meet and settle down with someone who DOES want to have children with her.

Just bite the bullet and be honest with her. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't even find me remotely attractive.

I totally understand that - we need to make a call soon because I don't want to prevent her from missing out on this. i'm hoping the attraction comes back somehow.....it was there, which is why I don't know whether to work on things and help it come back naturally. But agreed, there is only a finite amunt of time. It's not like I find her repulsive (!) - far from it. But as it stands the attraction is not where it need to be.

Has something changed about her which has affected your attraction?
My marriage was like this. He didn't shag me for nearly 3 years. It was soul destroying

Well.. you can try talking to her and maybe counselling? It would be a shame to end your marriage after only 1.5 years but it begs the question, why did you marry in the first place? If you knew this was an issue before then, you've only complicated things by marrying..
I had the same issue with my ex but I was in your position and it never got better, I just learnt to live with it. I put my wants and needs on the back burner for the sake of the relationship, we broke up eventually over something unrelated to that but I always felt unfulfilled, unattractive etc..
I wouldn't do it again that's for sure.
I'm not sure it can be worked on because we never tried. It's worth a shot if you love her though, and you are married now so you owe it to her to try.

Hi there I can understand what you mean.
I recently bought this amazing book after hearing about it on a podcast called tell me what you want. A psychology book on sexual desire ect. Really helped our relationship as we then confided in each other our sexual fantasies and now have a threesome on the cards which has put a spark back into our sex life to say the least!

It has a lot on the science side of attraction and how after a few years you loose that with your partner to an extent.

I kind of feel when you been with someone for years touching them is almost like touching yourself in the sense that they have become an extension of you and they just don't excite you as you're so close they're not really separate from you if that makes sense that's how it feels to me.

So having a few glasses of wine and reading this book and confiding my fantasies with my partner showed each of us stuff we didn't know about each other so there is 'new' stuff again.

Sorry if non of that makes sense.

Justin Lee Miller is the guy who wrote the book based on a study of 4000 people and what they're into ect if you're interested.

Why don’t you leave. Have a whole load of sexually exciting relationships with pretty model types one after another. In ten years time when you’ve realised you’ve not ‘got on like a house on fire’ with those pretty disposables and you’re missing the deeper love and trust that comes with true partnership you can have plenty of time to think about your actions alone.....

Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel? Please speak to her before making a decision.

My STBXH left me in July, after only a year of marriage (we were together for 10 years prior to that) (I’m 28, he’s 30) and the one thing I’ll never be able to forgive him for is that he never once told me he was unhappy, even up until the day he told me he didn’t think he had “the fire in his belly for me anymore” he had text me that morning calling me his perfect wife and saying how much he loved me... so please before you make a decision, talk to her and tell her how you’re feeling so you both have a chance to talk openly. Much like you, we had a good relationship and got on very well, sex didn’t happen everyday but was at least once a week.. he just said his feelings changed and he was worried he couldn’t trust himself to remain loyal to me and didn’t want to end up hurting me .. nothing hurts as much as someone not talking to you and just leaving.

That's really sad to read Missbee100

Sorry to hear you went through that. That's awful.

Thanks all

It was very unwise to marry when you had unresolved issues, as you now realise.
I think you need to be absolutely honest with your wife and split up sooner rather than later, so she still has time to meet a more mature and compatible partner and have the children she wants.
You sound unready for the lifetime commitment of marriage - you are still at the immature stage of craving novelty and excitement, the thrill of shagging multiple strangers, which one permanent partner cannot possibly provide.
Once you are divorced, please don’t wreck any more women’s lives by marrying them, until you have finished growing up.

How long have you 2 been together as a couple (married and before)?Why are you unhappy? Honestly reflect on that question and see if the answer takes you into the relationship or away from it. If into the relationship, fight for it with everything you've got, but if the answer points away from the relationship, there will be no way to save it.

Secondly, what was or is impeding your physical attraction to your wife? This also needs to be addressed. Even if you can figure out your happiness and stay in the relationship, the limited sexual attraction and sex itself will still be a lingering issue.

This is what ultimately ended my marriage. I really miss the laughs we used to have but a friendship can't really continue once one or both of you move on to someone else. It's a very complex situation but if it's her desire to have sex with you and you rejecting (for want of a better word!) her then I guess her resentment towards you or herself will grow to the extent that things just won't be nice or funny anymore.

If she still has sexual desire towards you then she may not be willing to try an open relationship but polyamory is a more recognised concept these days I think?? I was in your position and just wasn't interested in sex with my husband, I went through with a wedding hoping things would spice up as the commitment grew but I just actually felt more trapped and absolutely did not want a child with him (he was a lazy sod too which didn't help!!).

When our relationship ended I had a few awful flings, the last of which resulted in a relationship and my child being planned. Im now happily single for the first time in my life. I am lonely at times but I don't regret leaving my XH, despite the fact I have nobody that comes close to being able to have a laugh like we used to. It was a bit of a rollercoaster getting to where I am now so I envisage a similar path for you as it does sound very similar!

I think you've articulated quite well so, if your wife is reasonable hopefully she will understand where you're coming from and you can both come to an arrangement that satisfies both of your lives, whether it be together or otherwise.

I think it's great that at least now you have woken up and are taking your differences more seriously.

I wouldn't want to bring children into this until I know we're OK (or not).
If your wife is your age, she doesn't have any time to wait and find out. If the answer turns out to be "not OK" next year, that was another year in which she could have been getting over you, meeting other men and eventually finding a suitable father for her potential child.

And tbh you know the answer already, I would guess.

Missbee100 made an important point. You've been thinking about this a while, and you need to get her thinking about it too, rather than presenting her with a year or two of your thoughts and a final decision. Give her a while to think, too.

What do you think is best for your wife?