Husband was going to start talking to other women online

[confusedandtired99]

I think I need some perspective. Long time user but definitely name changed for this.

Last weekend I was pilfering pictures of the children off of my OH's phone when I stumbled across a random picture of a man there. I waved his phone at him and asked him what that was about. He said a guy at work had sent it to him as he was feeling insecure and wanted opinions on the photo. He even said that he had pointed out things which he thought weren't good about the picture I.e random background ornaments. I initially accepted this.

After putting the kids to bed I just felt very agitated and my mind kept going back to that photo.

I asked him more about the man. He said he was a lonely guy who was a bit weird and he wasn't really sure why he had asked him about the picture. I asked him how he had sent the picture to him and he said Facebook. Alarm bells rang then as I know photos from Facebook messenger do not save automatically... it all felt off. I confronted him more and it crumbled.

The long and short of it is that apparently my husband had felt lonely and disconnected from me. He had chosen that photo of a random person to go online and talk to other people - but he says he didn't go through with it.

Now interestingly enough about three years ago he was accused of doing the same thing by a good friend. He denied it and I believed him. He is categorically stating still that he was innocent that time. Can't really prove it either way.

I'm disgusted that he was going to use someone else's picture and create a new identity.

I no longer know what to believe. We always said if there was a problem we would always speak about it and never cheat. I don't trust him anymore. He lied quite convincingly (or tried to) to my face.

We talked for a long time that evening and he says he is depressed at work, feels lonely and disconnected from me... and that basically not much makes him happy except now (my finding out) has made him wake up and realise he could loose everything that matters (me and the kids).

I did tell him that if it wasn't for the kids I would probably leave.

We talked then about different ways for him to work through this depression etc.

Now a several days have gone by and it's like nothing's happened. It's very weird. He seems to be acting like nothings happened; but even though I think I want to try and work through this for me everything has changed.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. My head feels all over the place.

What would you do?

I probably should also say that I've recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and have been struggling with pain and tiredness... so I probably have been somewhat distant if I am truthful

I would have believed my friend three years ago and left him then. It seems unlikely that he's only just started doing it again, he's probably been doing it the whole time. Leave him, how can you trust him now?

Jesus, could you minimise and excuse him anymore, sorry but he is, and was at it.

You believed him over a good friend, time to start realising he is a liar and has been doing this since the last episode, you caught him before and have again and you have to be an idiot not to believe he's not been chatting to women and who knows what, so, no there will be no trust there whatsoever.

His excuses sound pathetic; he is a man that likes to go behind your back without any guilt and try and get his sexual kicks from it; you need to either put an end to this now or believe his shite and it will carry on, he will just hide it better.

For me (I think I'm a minority here) it would depend what he actually spoke to people about (he has 100% been doing this and has spoken to women).

If it's literally just talking with NO EXCHANGE OF PICTURES I could probably forgive it, it's like another persona online and it's like an unfortunate consequence of the internet.

If he has spoken to them on the phone, given them his phone number, I'd be filing for divorce.

He can like very easily to you OP, about the pic being for an insecure guy, never mind the rest, I assume we are talking dating websites here? Also assume your friend saw him on one?

I'd imagine all traces of him are now deleted, you should have waited and cat fished him online; but, honestly, he's done it twice now, are you really going to let it go on the basis he was depressed and lonely....there really is no excuse, he did it because he wanted to.

lie, not like!!

There's a pattern of behaviour emerging here OP, this isn't a one off 'mistake' and patterns don't change without serious effort so him acting like nothing has happened is not a good sign. If he really had had some kind of epiphany about what he stands to lose he would be moving heaven and earth to reassure you and rebuild your relationship, instead he's taking you for a fool by expecting you to believe he was innocent (of exactly the same thing you've now caught him doing) last time. Total honesty and absolute commitment to rebuilding trust is really the only way he can hope to save this now but it doesn't sound like he's doing either. Sorry OP, you deserve better

To be honest I just can't think.

Not internet dating. Facebook. Previously there was a profile set up using a different name but the picture of my husband. I looked at the profile. Just one man who was friends with about five or six women friends - however one happened to be a friend of the friend. Never really found out what was said. Friend told my husband to come clean or she would tell me. He swore it wasn't him. Then the mutual / good friend said she wanted nothing more to do with it and asked to draw a line under it.

The problem I am struggling with is it's not just me I have to think about. I have to think about the kids too and they are very young. It would devastate them.

I've told him that it all feels weird and that if feels like nothing has happened and he said he thought I wanted to act that way because i didn't say anything - so he says he didn't say anything. I honestly have no idea if I am coming or going.

Is there anywhere he could stay for a few days OP? Some space for you to think and work out how you feel without having to deal with him might be helpful, and it sends a clear signal that this is not something he can sweep under the carpet and hope it goes away.

That's the problem really. I'm on nights for the next four days so if he goes somewhere there's no childcare. I've thought about that.

Are you going to have some counselling? A third party neutral opinion may be good for you both.

He has you over a barrel, doesn’t he ?

You can’t leave because you are a shift worker with no childcare. And even if you DO leave, it will somehow be “ your fault” if the kids are devastated. Which they won’t be of course, young children adapt very quickly. But he knows that you will always put them first.

So no wonder he’s acting like nothing happened, it’s business as usual for him. He can do whatever he likes with no consequences.

No offence but you have no idea what websites he is on; and what does Facebook mean, he randomly sends friends requests to strange women hoping they will accept and then he starts a conversation with them? How desperate is that anyway.

You need to give him a consequence you keep sweeping it under the carpet even your friend got so fucked off about it she wanted it dropped.

If it's literally just talking with NO EXCHANGE OF PICTURES I could probably forgive it, it's like another persona online

These sorts of comment always puzzle me.

I sometimes wonder if some women don't really understand the nature of some of the talking that occurs 'talking' and why this 'talking' would be preferable to pictures?

Very secretive, deceitful and odd.

Once I could forgive but twice I couldn't. I think as the saying goes fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! Keep that in mind OP. The trust would be completely gone for me.

He's a good liar because he has had practice. I'd be gone. I'd never trust a thing he said and I'd believe your friend from three years ago. I'm sorry.

I feel like ‘I’ve got depression’ needs to be added to the cheating bullshitter bingo card. I’ve been depressed on and off for 10 years and it never manifested in me creating a fake online persona to chat to randoms. Was he depressed the other time he did the exact same thing, lied about it to you and made out a friend was making it up?

Sorry OP, I really feel for you but I think you need to wise up about what is going on.

Is there anyone you can talk to about it in real life? Is low cost counselling an option?

I would also go back to the friend who called him out last time if you can face it.

Was he using the fb account to access tinder or similar?

The depression thing should indeed be added to 'the script'

Good point belle, you have to be thinking pretty clearly to do that.