Grounds for divorce?

[user1496902389]

DH and I both work, share our wages and split child care between us. I work longer hours and earn more, but pay far more into our shared account. We looked at our finances last year and I haven’t saved anything for 3 years, paying more into the pot for household stuff and big bills; I know he’s saved thousands over that time.
He is obsessed with motor cross riding and spends £700 every month and all his free time on this, plus the bike cost thousands to start with... but he’s hiding this from me, and tells me that he’s riding a friends bike (we agreed last year to save for a family holiday for 6 months, before he bought a new bike).
I now realise that he bought a bike almost straight away and hasn’t been saving at all - I feel this is so unfair and that i’m being taken advantage of.
He says it’s his right to have the hobby and that he deserves it, but it leaves me with no money to save each month and I have almost no free time of my own, as I’m left with DS and DC whilst he goes off every weekend.
I have thought of leaving him, but can’t save up enough to last until I can get maintenance or equity from our house.
Am I right to feel deceived and angry, or AIBU?

Yes, he's being unreasonable. Just save money yourself and tell him you are not subsidising his lifestyle anymore. If he cares to save the marriage by reducing his outgoings fine. But don't forget if you give him an ultimatum, you may have no choice but to follow it tthrough. Have you told him his behaviour is leading to the breakdown of your marriage? Do you want to be on your own? I did, and have no regrets at all.

So you're essentially subsidising his hobby and doing the main bulk of childcare to facilitate it too?

Short term I'd be doing a review of who pays what and saying he needs to cough up more towards the household. And having a serious conversation around him picking up his share of childcare.

Long term, if things don't change it would be a deal breaker for me if he thought that this behaviour was totally ok, especially after you raise it. The money you could save by redoing your household budget would become my potential escape pot.

Well you are not sharing your wages. He is top slicing his at your expense. The savings are joint btw. He should offer up this to the household.

Pay in the same amount as him and cut back expenses to the basics. Don’t offer to buy food unless he pays half.

You don’t need to leave, just stay put and end the marriage from the home. You are doing that anyway just slowly. You can divorce whilst living together. That’s if you want to.

I think if one partner earns more than the other, than you should both pay a percentage of your wages rather than split the bills in half. Then you shoukd both have disposable income to save or spend as you wish. Have a joint account to put the family savings into.

I think I was most upset at the dishonest way he bought a new bike and spent thousands; after agreeing that he’d wait. I don’t think I can trust him with money...so what do I do now...

Leisure time should be shared evenly, so if he takes off for a whole weekend at a time, so can you. Lying about savings and outgoings is totally not OK.

In a marriage, funds are shared -- does he think having a penis means he gets to live a single life when he wants and spend as he sees fit without it impacting another adult (you)? Does he just not see you as an equal adult, what with your being a woman and all?

Sounds like needs a massive reality check. What would happen if you sat down together to go through it, would he see how massively unfair this is and agree to it being different?