My Dis and Bil behaviour , honest opinions please

[Mrsmadevans]

Thank you for taking the time to read this , l hope you are not too bored with the length of my post just that l am so stressed and upset about their behaviour and l am sure they are not normal , there is something wrong with them or is it me ? I am even thinking it is all me.
This is my DSis and her husband . Unbiased opinion please if you have time, l am so conditioned to this treatment.l feel sad and miss them but l can't put up with it anymore. 😪
This a snapshot of their behaviour.
My sister said that when my mil died ' l rushed clearing Nanny's house and was put out about it and that wasn't happening with mum's and dads house when they died. No one was going to touch mums and dads for at least 3 months' Her exact words.
I had no choice ,
Nanny's house was a tied cottage and my DH brother was putting us under pressure not to go there so l had To do as much as l could in the small amount of time l had . That really hurt me when she said that . That was forced on me
When she rang me just after Christmas and I bought a Christmas tree for mum and dad because they couldn't turn the lights on or off at the plug, she said ' you told me they wouldn't be here next Christmas, what are you doing with the old one , there was nothing wrong with that you're a shopaholic and waste money" it was 6 quid .l bought it out of my money , she wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways which is what she is always like she rides roughshod over me. ' l said to her that's right hang me from the nearest tree and castigate me because I dared to buy a tree for them.and that is all l said then she hung up the phone on me . I know why she hung up on me and why she was so provoking it's because she were in a terrible mood because step daughter and her DH and their kids were coming that weekend and she didn't want them there because she is jealous of SD.
When she came to our house an hour later l challenged her about hanging up on me and she taunted and provoked me into losing my temper despite me asking her not to several times not to she called me a shopaholic over and over with a horrible tone and haughty stance .l lost it and swore and pushed her outside the door but l have apologised many times to her on Facebook and came down to the car to make friends but they drove off. They lied to mum she said the car was going already but it wasn't. She said she hadn't done anything but she had extremely provoked me . I don't lose my temper for nothing. When l phoned up their house Bil was hostile to me. I was normal. He phoned up to mum's later in the week and l again was normal he was still hostile . When she phoned about My cat dying he shouted out nastily 'are you speaking to her' when she were on the phone to me. I heard him. Even when we were heart broken over my cat he wanted to score points. When he came with my Dh birthday presents on Weds did he really expect, after treating me like that to come in for a cuppa? I opened the door to him and had a horrible look on my face because he had been so nasty. Now they acting all high and mighty because he 'came in good faith ' and obviously want me to grovel.
They have started to do mum and dads money and asked me what was the 650 pounds for that mum and dad had every month. Was it my money for caring for mum and dad. How could they think l would take that money from them? That really upset me. How could they think that. I had sorted out their benefits because they have been so ill they had a back payment
She won't let me have my say , she browbeats me and doesn't listen . I cannot even put mum's washing machine on or change the beds at mum's , she says ' you make work for yourself' how is changing the towels and beds when they have dirty nasty marks on them making work for myself. She complains about me cleaning too much up there. Well Dsis doesn't do cleaning so who else is going To do it. She even Complains about The birds feeding, . It was ok for her to break Dad's glasses £500 and to use his car and get a flat tyre which instead of getting the RAC out they got a company the parents had to pay for because they didn't want to wait , no one said to me about her using it. Yet when l buy them a tree out of my own money l have to run everything past her because 'they are my parents . ' she tells me to take off comments l have written on FB sites. I have come off everything she is on now . l don't suppose she has even noticed. She micromanages everything . Moans about the food l buy, the presents l buy. Like one Christmas she was so horrible about the Presents l bought her. l took the presents off her put them in the dining room and said nicely she doesn't have to have them if she didn't want them, she then decided to have them . lf l get anything for mum she goes on about it not needing it and the cost . She took my girls pictures off her FB profile straight after the row. How come Bil is allowed to storm off from our house in a mood and nothing is said to him , he does this a lot . He just comes back the next day as if nothing has happened. We aren't nasty to him on the phone or in person we just accept he had a turn. How come he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. How come she doesn't see the stress l am / was under at Christmas time, with mum and Dad , with Dd with depression, with DH suffering an attack of his heart afibrillation Christmas morning. With having to do dinner for everyone including them . How can this be so one-sided. How can't she see what she/they are like. Do l interfere with anything she does or buy? No l am just very kind and supportive. Whenever I say something to her l don't agree with or just want to put my pov over, she says l am aggressive. It's not that l am aggressive its her not letting me express myself so l get frustrated. Mum and I had to stop the bank sending statements because they were scrutinising them and demanding l tell her every transaction was and what the cheque for a hundred pounds was for . l was in such a state l couldn't remember what it was for. I remembered afterwards it was for my brother's 25th wedding anniversary. I felt like I was a criminal.
They went to my elderly parents yesterday and he walked in the front room and shouted to my Mum in a nasty voice "hearing aids' she has sore ears from wearing them and has to leave them out on times . He was in such a mood she couldn't put them in he stayed in the other room until they went .
My sister ripped mums Christmas cards to her friends up , the ones she considers scum . Mum didn't know . She still doesn't know .
I don't know what to think anymore. I used to worship her but she is just horrible

I'm so sorry you have to deal with people like them. They are definitely not normal! Their is something very disturbing about their behaviour. I have heard a lot of MN people use the term "Grey Rock" and it's a very helpful tactic! That could be a small step towards your own peace of mind? I have found that with people like that, you need to not engage. They are looking for any little thing you do 'wrong' to hold against you. Life is a power trip to them. No matter what you do, it will always be wrong.

Thank you so much for reading and replying Kaleela , l will go and look for 'grey rock ' now

You need to stop engaging with them. Too much negativity on their part

I am just starting to realise this stanski thank you kindly for your help.

Your Dsis and BIL are horrible people honestly. They are the kind of people who 'manufacture drama'. Honestly it sounds like her complaining about you? Is because SHE probably feels like a crap person for not cleaning their stuff and honestly she should. With your parents frail health dirty items can be hazardous.

Unfortunately I know it's not really helpful but I want to reassure you this is not a problem with YOU. This is just your Dsis and BIL are very unkind people who aren't courteous and that's not on you!

Thank you so much Wheelie .l am looking at Narc behaviour now and they fit some of the behaviour . If they are Narcs then it isn't good news but at least l know what l am dealing with . Am going to have to learn fast how to Grey rock !

Does your sister have Power of attorney to allow her to deal with your parents' money? If not, I suggest you apply for it, financially and medical. Your sister sounds batshit. Don't put stuff on social media that winds her up, that's provocative and stupid.

Maelstrop, she doesn't come on MN . I am 100 % on that or l wouldn't post but thank you for giving me a heads up .My parents are mentally as sharp as tacks thankfully and l can see there being huge rows if l put in for power of attorney she would demand to be in charge and if not sole poa , then joint with me. I can't do that. She is so domineering and at least my parents are able to fight her still. My Mum argues with her all the time, they have terrible rows because she is so nasty about everything and everyone. My Mum asks me to get her magazines and I am afraid to buy them because my sister will be so horrible. Now we are low contact l can do whatever my Mum wants now . I bought her a knitting mag she wanted and it was 9 pounds , l would never have done that before. So l am Thinking this low contact may have it's positive side 😊

They sound horrible. It's definitely try the grey rock technique but it will probably still be hard work.

Get the paper work in order for your parents so you don't have to fight with your sister when decisions have to be made.

Also if your sister is just going to create drama over any little thing then just do whatever you and your mum want so at least you get something out of it.

Thank you Handsfull that is good advice, you are right. I just know that she will want joint POA at least and possibly sole POA because she thinks she is entitled to as the 'head ' of the family. If it had been up to her then my parents would be in a home . I think the hardest thing is that l miss them and love them still but l know l can't go on like this because l can't cope with it anymore. Thank you for your support and advice

You need POA, it sounds as though your sister resents any money you spend on you parents as you are spending her perceived inheritance.
Get the POA paperwork in your name as you will obviously do the right thing by them.
Grey rock your sister and BIL.
If your sister does complain about the spending, point out it is your parents money.

Has she always been like this? How old is she?

I seriously think I'd make sure your Mum and Dad have made a will if they have assets, and that they make provision for POA In the future, as no one knows what might happen to themselves and they can determine who is in charge of their care and health.
Your sister and BIL sounds vile and bullying and have way too much interest in your parents' finances. I would go as far as to suggest this is abusive and they should consider taking action to protect themselves. It puts you in a difficult place if you suggest this to them from the perspective of setting yourself up for abuse from them if they learn of an intervention, but to be honest I would do it. They can't be enjoying their interactions with your S and BIL, can they? From what you describe I'd be supporting them to protect themselves. Otherwise their years are going to be blighted. They will know you're not doing it with an eye on their worldly goods for your own benefit. I would bet they dread their visits. And I think the fact S and BIL are micromanaging spends and have been scrutinizing their bank statements, and raising hell over extremely modest spends such as £6.00 would raise massive concerns. And why on earth would they not want you using their washing machine for your parents benefit? Other than to control what goes on in their household and reduce the electricity bill, which is just nasty IMO.

Are your parents in receipt of any form of support from adult social services? I ask because there might be a potential safeguarding case here and you might want to run it by them. Or even just contact them anyway to ask how they would view it. (Fully expect to be slammed for raising 'safeguarding' but they are interfering to such a degree it sounds v worrying to me and I really do hate to come across as a scaremonger.)

And as for S dictating how things are going to be done when your parents do pass, such as no-one doing anything for three months. Suspect they will be in there in no time at all busy cherry-picking what they want.

Your parents don't have to have them in there at all. They could change the locks and not let them have keys. I think it is vital that while they are able to do so, your parents, put their wishes on the record. It will help them get some peace of mind if they are aware of what could happen once they are gone. I'm sure they wouldn't want to leave you with a battle on your hands. And I suspect your S would do all in her power to grab as much as she can at that point. I think also, you need to show your parents that you have the mental strength and capacity to deal with the inevitable when it happens so they don't feel they might be landing you in an awful situation, the fear of which might cause them to hesitate about dealing with things while they still can exert some control over things.

I meant your parents could change the locks. Also you might want to help them find ways of dealing with the controlling behaviours of S and BIL.

Thank you all so much . I know l need to get POA and grey rock them . I am trying , it isn't easy because l miss her and love her but l can't do this anymore , l will feel better soon l know.
My parents are very elderly and frail. They left the heating on overnight Tuesday and Dad has CMML and sweated so much their bed was soaked , Mum told me today that she asked my DSis to change the bed and she said 'you should have got up off your lazy arse and turned the heating off' my mum is 87 and riddled with arthritis and suffers from Fibromyalgia and basically staggers from one piece of furniture to the other . I normally do everything for them and change their beds but yesterday l had a dentist appt and she did them instead.
I need to get their finances sorted and get a will drawn up and get the solicitor to be executor . Then it will be totally unbiased and fair and l won't have to argue with her over Mum and Dads wishes if it is signed sealed and delivered.
Thank you all so much for reading and replying . I can't tell you how much l appreciate it