how can I cope better with my negative mother

[Mixedupmummy]

just that really.

there's so many threads about people going nc with awful family members which must be very difficult. but there must be people like me who love their family but find it difficult to cope with something they do.

my mum is a negative person. she comes every few weeks to stay for a few days. In many ways she's lovely and she loves me and my dc and we love her. She's kind, generous, helpful round the house and with babysitting. but by God she is very negative. virtually nothing positive ever comes out her mouth. for example, the baby is too clingy, I carry him to much, my toddler is too loud, I'm not strict enough, I should put that there, organise this that way. she NEVER says that's nice, or dc did something sweet. she'll very happily tell me if they were naughty, cheeky, cried, didn't sleep. even taking the baby outside on the swing in the garden "don't you save that for when he's whingy?" No! I take him outside because it's good for him and he likes it

for context she's had a difficult life. she was married to my df who very abusive and then raised me and my siblings on her own with very little. She's currently separating from her DP of 10 years. I want to be there for her and supportive but I need to keep myself sane. it's very draining.

Keep her at arms length and well away from your home.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and fundamentally she has not changed. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way (her own family did that). You state you have siblings; how do they get along with her these days?.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Look again at your boundaries. Where are your own boundaries here with regards to your mother?. They seem to be so very low here and your mother is using you as both her willing audience and verbal punchbag. She is not at all supportive of you at all but is critical, negative and whiny. Why do you want to be supportive of her when she denigrates you and in turn your DC like this?. People like this do not change; she is not going to somehow become the nice and caring mother you perhaps still want her to be. You can certainly start cutting the number of visits she makes to you (BTW does she invite her own self here?) right back.

Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt to her also through counselling if necessary too. How is your mother lovely, is she really simply trying to buy yours and your kids affections here?. Does she really want to swoop in and take over and by doing so reinforce in her own mind that you as her DD is not capable even as an adult?. You still seem the frightened child in her presence and go into that role every time.

She may well have had a difficult time of things but that is a reason, not an excuse for her behaviour towards you, and in turn your children now. Many people do not have not ideal childhoods either but they choose to not treat their now adult children like you are being. You would not dream of treating your children like she does you and you would not at all tolerate this from a friend. Your mother is no different.

Is she negative about EVERYTHING or just you and your children?

shes negative about everything! she calls it being honest. but it's that her outlook on things is always negative. like negatively commenting on the decor somewhere we've gone. rather than finding a nice thing about it.

but she genuinely is kind and caring. she would -and has - drop everything for us in an emergency.

I agree I wouldn't tolerate from a friend but it is different. I want to have a relationship with my mum. I do challenge her and I can tell she does bite her tongue a lot. she is very insecure and I imagine a bit depressed. i do also keep her at arms length in a way. I don't tell her about much that goes on in my life so that she can't comment/advise.

I guess you just have to keep calling her out on her negative comments. So if she says the baby was crying tell her that's normal. If the baby is clingy say that you will enjoy that while you can as he'll be a stroppy teen who won't talk to you in no time. If she doesn't like the decor tell her that if everyone had the same taste life would be very boring. Be cheery and change the subject even if it means talking about the weather, tv programme or whatever. She's had a long time of negativity in her life so I suppose those feelings are hard to turn around. Does she have a social life with her own friends? Encourage her to get out and about, play cards, exercise classes for example.

She sounds a lot like my mum. I wish I had something helpful to add to pp but I'm afraid I don't but I find it so helpful to know that other people have difficult parents too. I've got 2 friends and a DB who understand what it can be like but other people just do not get it, even DH try as he might.

As you've already said, keep her at arms length. You'll never change her, only your reactions to her.

in response to the siblings query DMs relationship with 1 of my siblings is much the same as mine. generally good but they find some of what DM says and does difficult.

the other has a very strained relationship with DM - and everyone else in their life. they are married but have no friends and have a strained relationship with all family and in laws. I think they are very damaged by what we witnessed and went through as children.

Its not her being "honest" (bullies also use this excuse); its her being rude and unforgiving of any perceived slight against her by you or for that matter anyone else. Such critical behaviour from her cannot continue to be tolerated by you because your children are seeing this from her as well.

Why do you call her kind and caring; is this merely because she has dropped everything to be with you in an emergency?. It may well be that actually by doing this you give her the opportunity to swoop in, take completely over and save the day here. This also shows me just how low your bar is with regards to her. You tell her nothing about your life understandably because she would criticise, you also keep her at arms length. Now tell me again that she is still kind and caring.

You do not need her approval, not that she would ever give this to you anyway. She will never be the kind person you perhaps deep down still want her to be; you are going to have to let go completely of all hope here of having a functional and healthy relationship with her. She is not built that way and it is not your fault she is like this.

@Drum2018 that's what I try to do. I wasn't sure if it was the right approach. sometimes I ignore the comments too.

I find it difficult to sustain the energy for the duration of the visit. knowing other people are in the same boat do the same thing will help.

It's tiresome behaviour, and you don't have to tolerate it or in turn let your kids see you as your mother being pushed around so by your mother.

Is anything ever her fault; probably not ever in her mind no matter how badly she behaves. Its always the fault of other people or yourself, never her.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for commenting. I am thinking and digesting what you've said. I agree I need to let go the need for her approval. that's a very insightful comment.

How would she respond to an honest request from you to say just one positive thing per visit? Or to preface every negative remark with a positive one? I asked this of my DH at one point and he did shape up a bit.

Mixed up my in laws are like this. They are not bad people and know they love their GC but their relentless negativity about everything makes them maddening and dispiriting company. They regularly tut and eye roll. Hadn’t realised how upbeat and positive my own family were until I spent time with our direct opposite. Dh has reacted against them and is very positive himself and fits nicely into my family. We rarely see in laws which I feel bad about but when we do I am reminded why. We only see them when I set it up dh got fed up with them years ago.

I used to be in the same boat, I know my mother will do anything for us and she loves all he grandchildren, but she can be negative.

The way I dealt with it was to not tolerate it all around my children. I call her out on it immediately. If I haven't asked for it then I don't need any of her 'advice'.

I've even stopped speaking to her but I told her exactly why I wont be speaking to her for a month.

We have a much better relationship now and she does bring free childcare to the table.

@ContessaIsOnADietDammit I'm not sure how she would take that. I haven't tried but my instinct is that she would say she isn't being negative just being honest or advising. happy to give it a go. I did say on the last visit I , and most people, don't like unsolicited advice but to be listened to. yet to see if it makes a difference.

@MsTSwift thanks for sharing your experience. it's helpful to know of others who have the same opinion of their parents and I'm not just in denial.

@Ilovefishcakes201 I'll try stepping this up. I think she's gotten cleverer about it so it's been harder to challenge. for example, she doesn't outright say the baby is clingy she'll pose it as a question. "don't you think if you keep picking him up he'll just want picked up more". I would normally just say no and change the subject but maybe I should be more overt and say " no I don't think that or I wouldn't pick him up. I want him to be securely attached and I like the cuddles."

I think she's gotten cleverer about it so it's been harder to challenge. for example, she doesn't outright say the baby is clingy she'll pose it as a question. "don't you think if you keep picking him up he'll just want picked up more". I would normally just say no and change the subject but maybe I should be more overt and say " no I don't think that or I wouldn't pick him up. I want him to be securely attached and I like the cuddles."

She is sabotaging your motherhood at every opportunity - when you have called her out on it directly she is now being manipulative - to still wound you......she hasn’t said sorry or pulled back or changed her behaviours like a nice person would do - she is just doing the same in an under hand way. She is still disrespecting you.

I think it's high time you stand up for yourself. Tell her very plainly that her negative behaviour is affecting YOUR mental health, therefore, if she can't be pleasant in your home, the visits will have to stop.

@another20

ouch that one hurt to read. I don't think she realises it's hurtful she genuinely thinks she's trying to help. I have never outright said stop negatively commenting and "advising" on my parenting and life because it's hurtful. I do feel like saying to her - if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. (was that a line from bambi?). perhaps a more direct approach in addition to calling her out is required.

@ Aquamarine1029

ok a more direct approach will be taken.

this thread has been rather enlightening. I thought I'd get a few coping mechanisms and tips.

@Mixedupmummy

I know what you are going through. Many years ago I had to lay down the law with my own mother because she was making me absolutely miserable.

I have always kept a very clean home, but when my children were little, obviously you might have a basket of clean laundry to fold that takes the back burner. My mother would pop over and immediately lay into me. "Why isn't this folded already?? Why haven't you put it away??" Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe because I have a hoard of toddlers to watch after. I was an only child so my mother had NO clue what it was like to have more than one who are very close in age. I told her if she couldn't stop criticising me over such trivial things, she was no longer welcome in my home.

It worked.

It sounds very much like her own insecurities and disappointment that she wasn't the mum she wanted to be. Do you think she is jealous of the way you parent (and actually thinks you are doing a much better job than she did)?

Would it help to bring up any happy memories? 'I loved it when we used to...' or things you have done with her with your own DCs?

Can you try a bit of cameraderie like, 'we work so hard as mum's, I think we should go out for afternoon tea' or 'mummy and nanny and are tired from working hard, so we're going to put a film on and all put our feet up...'

I do think that you need her to stop the criticism if she wants to be in your life. It's hard, op. I feel for you.

I have never outright said stop negatively commenting and "advising" on my parenting and life because it's hurtful. I do feel like saying to her - if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.

No don’t minimise it and say the latter - she won’t pick that up. Say the former.

Does she have any friends? Does she have any positive relationships in her life?

@Aquamarine1029 thanks. I would have already done as you did if was as overt as that but it's much more... sly for want of a better word. she once said - oh I couldn't sit down and relax with all washing to be done if I were you. well as you said, I've got better ways to spend my time than making sure every bit of washing folded and put away immediately.

@Thewheelsarefallingoff I think you've hit the nail on the head. I have few happy memories of my childhood. my "d"f was very abusive to my dm and I witnessed and experienced some awful things as a child. I don't remember doing fun activities. any memories I do have of playing games or crafts was of my dm controlling what we did or worrying about the mess. even after my d"f was gone. I have tried the comradery approach with her. sometimes it works, more often it ends in a lecture about how I would make my life easier if I did x, y or z like she did.

@another20 she does have lots of friends and has a busy social life. I've often though because of that I'm overly sensitive to her ways. I'm now guessing its because she won't be like that with them?

Yes I am thinking that as well. Which means that she is very in control of what she says, how she acts and how she wants to impact - and who she wants to hurt -