Arguments with DH

[Carrie79]

I need some advice please. Sometimes, when DH and I disagree, he will carry on/provoke an argument in front of our children (they're both mine, he is step-dad to my daughter but dad to my son) even if I am upset and I specifically ask him to leave it. It's like he just can't stop, and he can't put their feelings ahead of his own. There have been a couple of times when I've been really upset and that has made my daughter really upset too. I've asked him to please stop doing it because of the harm it's doing to our children but I don't see any progress. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through another separation but I don't want my children growing up in a house where even the mildest of disagreements ends up with me crying because he can't leave things alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to pause and put disagreements on hold until they're in bed?

That is abuse OP, he is goading you to the point you are crying and in front of children, disgusting, you are going to have to separate and now, it's not fair on those children, they will be anxious and nervous all the time living in that shit environment.

Thanks. There's loads of really positive things about him too, and in nearly every other respect he's a good stepdad and dad. I just wish he could change this thing. It only happens occasionally, it's not every day or anything. Tbh, I've learnt to avoid most things by just not saying anything or keeping my upset to myself until I'm alone. We're having some marriage counseling starting this week, I wonder what they will say about this issue?

I don't know how old your children are, but if he does this, leave the room. Walk away and refuse to engage with this abusive behaviour (and it is abuse). You have learned to modify your behaviour already to prevent arguments - the eggshells we talk about with abuse.

I'm not sure if counselling would help - the usual advice is not to have joint counselling with an abuser.

Thanks. I have tried that but there have been times when he has followed me into another room, sometimes carrying our son with him, just to carry on or make his point. He says he has to do that because if he doesn't I won't want to talk about it that night and I'll be distant. The reason I don't want to talk about it afterwards is because I always end up on the receiving end of a lecture, with him telling me all my flaws. I don't know how to discuss anything with him without it turning into an argument. I want to believe things can change. I'm not perfect, I know I need to work on things too, but I can't imagine going on at him if he was clearly upset and doing it in front of our children and upsetting them too. My 6 yo daughter is always more clingy after this happens, and that makes him worse. I've tried to explain that that's normal but he thinks we're ganging up on him.

Run op..
You owe it to yourself and your dc to end the relationship.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Any decent counsellor would not want to see the two of you in the same room together. My guess is that he won't actually attend this session and if he does will use simply use it to blame you for all the problems and abdicate all responsibility for his actions. You will get not much if any say. Counselling with an abuser (and yes this is abuse you and in turn your children are experiencing here) is never recommended because you will co-operate with the process whilst the abuser never does.

Abusive people are not nasty all the time BUT their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. This type of abuse can and does sneak up on people.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You may want to believe things can change but he is not for changing here; he does this also because he can and this also works for him. Do not continue to do your bit here to show them a frankly crap model of a relationship. Its not good enough for your children and its not good enough for you either.

If he is otherwise a good person, then I believe this can be fixed. The two of you need to work on how you communicate with each other. It sounds like you are a conflict avoider and he is the kind of person who prefers to 'have things out', 'get our problems out into the open' etc. Neither of you is right or wrong as such, but your approaches are not compatible. You need to find a way of talking so that both of you feel listened to.

I think that the bit about it happening in front of your DC might be a bit of a red herring here. If you were able to discuss things calmly and maturely, even when you disagree, then it wouldn't matter if the children were present or not. (Obviously if you're having a screaming row then it's best not done in front of them.) In fact I think it can be good for DC to see that people don't always agree with each other and it's possible to resolve things by compromise and kindness rather than by fighting / lecturing / shutting the other person down.

Counselling might be helpful for you, or maybe a marriage course?

Wow, he follows you with your child in his arms to continue his verbal abuse towards you; this is unbelievably cruel, why are you allowing this man who is not even their father not that it makes any difference, to force this environment on them, I don't care if it's once every six months and I'd guess by writing in it's more, you are minimising OP, excusing him and putting him and his need to fucken vent his anger before your own children.

I don’t know how abusive your DH is. He certainly has low emotional intelligence which is why your arguments don’t end or resolve. But arguments don’t settle things anyway. Fights even less.

If you stay together you need to find a way to deal with disagreements and negative emotions individually and as a couple. If you don’t agree on this you don’t have a future.

Couples who rarely fight and can disagree amicably tend to have similar approaches. They recognise negative emotions in each other. If they disagree they make sure the other person knows they have been heard and understood. They ensure that disagreements are dealt with in the right time and place. That’s without high or negative emotion and away from other people.

They know that emotion does not justify behaviour.

This advice only works if there is no ongoing abuse. That’s not clear here.

You've got quite a few red flags popping up in your posts OP

It's like he just can't stop, and he can't put their feelings ahead of his own. There have been a couple of times when I've been really upset and that has made my daughter really upset too. I've asked him to please stop doing it because of the harm it's doing to our children but I don't see any progress

You've asked him to be a mature adult and hold off on continuing a lecture argument until your young DC's are in bed but he can't see past his own selfish need to talk at you, berate you and point out all your flaws (another red flag there, your'e the one with the problems not him, it's all your fault due to your multitude of flaws - I must point out its only him seeing and telling you about these so called flaws so consider the source before taking then to heart) . When he disregards yours and your DC's feelings like this he's being selfish and abusive.

I've learnt to avoid most things by just not saying anything or keeping my upset to myself until I'm alone

So you're walking on eggss around him, modifying your behaviour to avoid him lecturing you and upsetting you and the children. This is no way to live. It's a classic sign you're living with an abusive man.

My 6 yo daughter is always more clingy after this happens, and that makes him worse. I've tried to explain that that's normal but he thinks we're ganging up on him.

Are you serious?! He thinks a 6 year old is ganging up on him??? 🚩🚩 🚩 what a petulant man-child he is.

Do Not have councilling with this man, its never recommended to have councilling with an abuser, they will use it against you and the abuse will get worse.
Think long and hard about what your children are learning about relationships from how he is treating you. You don't need to live like this.