sad and confused about our marriage...(sorry, long and probably rambling)

[fairbanksjunior]

hi, i really hope someone can help or offer me some advice.dh and i have been together for 6 years and have had some truly terrible times in the past. violence from both of us,(nearly always started by me) dreadful things said and done. ove the last few years, there hasn't been any violence from either of us as we both knew how disgusting and hurful it was. i still think about certain incidents every day and am always scared they could happen again. dh knows that if we were to be violent to me, break things or disappear all night again that i would leave him. i find it hard to tell him i love him because the thoughts of all the bad stuff stop me - i normally only say it now if he says it to me. also find it hard ot be close to him sexually because of how much he's hurt me. he snores too which keeps me awake so we sometimes have to sleep in separate rooms. we had sex a couple of weeks ago but then had a row the next day and he shouted at me and i cried loads - i then hated that we'd been close to eachother the day before ( it was the first time in 8 months too!)he knows that i'm not sure if i want to stay with him and he finds that v hard to deal with because he doesn't wnat to lose me out our little one(14m). he does make a big effort and in lot of ways is a good husband and dad. i just can't cope when he gets angry with me(i also feel sometimes i have to push him to get angry just to see if he can control himself not be be violent or disappear). i really would love to stay with hima nd for us to be a happy little family but if i tell him i've decided to stay, then maybe he'll stop making any effort. any comment/advice would be so appreciated, thanks

bump

try relate. you have to move on from things in the past in order to live for the now and future.

cx

this sounds like a really difficult situation, and I don't know how much anyone on here can help/advise. having said that I have had some great advice from here in the last few days, usually comments help me to see what I already know anyway but you need to hear it from others. imho this really does sound like a situation that needs more personal and prolonged input. any chance that you two would go to counselling/therapy together, cos you're in a pattern of behaviour:

(i also feel sometimes i have to push him to get angry just to see if he can control himself not be be violent or disappear)

which is understandable but needs unravelling with someone who can then deal with the fall out from trying to change behaviour. I hope you can get some help and start feeling better about yourself and your dp

thanks, we've already tried relate, twice, but it didn't really work for us. i've also seen a counsellor alone and so has dh

Didn't want to see this go unanswered, but can only offer obvious advice really. You sound like you need some profeesional intervention e.g. Relate. Go alone if your dh won't go with you. There seems to be a build up of resentment and mistrust (insofar as you won't trust him with your intimacy). This needs to be addressed if you are going to be able to move forward as a couple. Sorry if not all that helpful, but maybe someone with more experience will see this and reply. Good luck.

Sorry xposted.

this might sound unhelpful, but if you've tried relate etc, and are not sure what else to do: take a deep breath and look for htat feeling in the pit of your stomach the inner voice. what does it tell you? try not to think about the problems, consequences of your choice but simply that core voice/feeling that is often the truth. what does it say.

slightly more pragmtaically, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you don't want to tell him that you'll stay in case it stops him making an effort, have done that myself. but actually once a committment to stay together is made, (if this is what you decide) then behaviour is improved more long term cos you are both in it together rather than one person feeling like everything they do is being watched and awarded points ifyswim. this breeds resentment and a feeling of helplessness on the part of your dp. HOw would you feel if you felt that everything you said/did was being weighed up? It stifles you.

thanks. yes maybe he's feel under less pressure if i said i'm definately staying. the thought of me and dd leaving is unbearable really. on the surface i have everything i 've ever wanted, comfortably off, nice house, friends, etc and no need for me to go back to work. obviously if i left dh, that would all change. wouldn't even be able to go out with friends in the vening, as noone to look after dd and i'd have to go back to work. i kept telling him to go away last night and said his presence just made me stressed, in the end he went after getting annoyed with me and went to bed. i wne to see him and asked if he'd give me amassage - he just said yes and got straight out of bed! then i had a go at him for upsetting me earler and i got aupset again and he got angry - what a mess

bump

putting myself on hte line here maybe, but it sounds like you just have to keep testing him. telling him to go away, then when he does going in to him, asking for a massage, which he does and then getting annoyed with him. I know how this happens, you want more and more proof that they will do anything for you and you maybe give less and less back?....could be way off line here so tell me to piss off if I am.

try and imagine how you would feel if he just said one day: you know what, I can't do this anymore, I'm leaving you. And he went.

hesta, i think you've hit the nail on the head. if he did say he was leaving me , i think i'd fall apart. i've never had anyone leave me and i know i couldn't cope and the thought of him finding someone else is unbearable. just how do i stop this behaviour thought - i really want to be happy with him and and want him to be happy with me

fucked if I know, if I knew that I could make a mint! its hard to change bur you do have to try. Do you respect him?

yes, i do, not sue that he respects me though

sorry didn't mean to sound flippant about your situation, but don't really have much more useful things to say,( if indeed any of it was useful!) Indecision about whether to stay and make a go, or leave is terribly hard to deal wiht, its exhausting, time consuming guilt wracking etc. it might be better to make a decision, stick to it for an agreed period of time, and then work really hard at it. both of you. have to go now, have done totally nothing all day being distracted my mn! good lcuk with it

I mean this with the best will in the world, but I think that you need to stop over-thinking and just get on with having a relationship.

Don't test each other, don't play mind games just try trusting him and seeing how it goes. It's a risk, but what else can you do?

I think that you are stuck in a sort of angsty cycle. Yes you both said/did bad stuff in the past, but if you don't pull your socks up now in another 6 years time you will probably still be feeling shitty.

anyone else?

bump...

another bump

i think it sounds very very miserable.

If the trust is gone, what are you doing to re build it ? if you cant why are you staying?

why not try , really really hard to be NICE. No sniping, no shouting no negative comments. Its very hard at first but being NICE is a habit like any other and one you can learn...
from niceness comes kindness and a feeling of being a couple and partnership........

honestly I think you both need pretty serious professional help and even then Im not sure you can save THIS relationship - perhaps make some headway for the future

Good luck

thanks, anyone else?