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Relationships

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Original poster

Lack of sex relationship

28 replies

Misskpr · 18/02/2019 08:30

I’m just asking for some advice
I’m 22 and my partner 33 we have been together 2 years and we have a beautiful baby girl together I have a daughter from previous relationship also.
From the beginning our sex lives have been some issue there’s not a lot of it and when we get to it’s always the same position and same experience.. I’ve brought the issue up many times and he claims it’s just because we now live together it’s not a big thing to have much sex but I’m finding that he is masturbating almost every day? It’s a problem to me the lack of sex as we are still pretty early into the relationship I said if nothing changes we will have to separate as I feel he is not sexually attracted to me otherwise he would want that intimacy still.
We must have sex once a month twice at a push and it’s quite depressing knowing my man prefers masturbating instead.

OP posts:

TearingUpMyHeart · 18/02/2019 08:34

You are so young. Too young to throw away your sex life. Will he try counselling?

Original poster

Misskpr · 18/02/2019 08:48

Probably not I suggested he had a porn addiction he says is untrue but around 3 times I’ve made a big issue from it and said if things don’t change we will have to separate. We separated after couple months together and he had been with two women in that time so his sex drive is still high I just don’t know how to solve it. I have never initiated sex unless I’ve had a drink and got some confidence

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 08:52

So, let me get this straight. You were 20 with a child already when you got together with this bloke. The sex life has been an issue from the start, but every time you raised it he brushed it away. Despite being unhappy about the relationship, and you saying that even though you've been together 2 years you are "pretty early into the relationship", you decided to have a child with this man.

Above poster is right, you are too young to throw away your sex life but quite honestly you should spend some time on your own, with your children, and not get into another relationship for some considerable length of time and when you do, take it much slower and if you aren't happy, and your partner isn't able or willing to solve the issue you have, then you leave. Before having any more children.

NotTheFordType · 18/02/2019 08:52

I have never initiated sex unless I’ve had a drink and got some confidence

Start initiating.

Original poster

Misskpr · 18/02/2019 08:58

22* I actually conceived whilst on contraception with my first child at a young age and the relationship just wasn’t right we worked better as separated parents. That is not the issue and neither is having a child with my current partner. My children are no relevance to the issue. The issue is we have no intimacy or romance really and just asking if anyone has been in similar situation other than the lack of sex we are very compatible and he makes me happy

OP posts:

Original poster

Misskpr · 18/02/2019 09:00

I would initiate but it’s a vicious cycle of if he prefers to masturbate than initiate sex with me then I don’t want to initiate it and be given some excuse really

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 18/02/2019 09:02

Serious porn addiction, no doubt about it. Every day there's a few of these threads now, same thing, fine the first few years, then pregnancy or life happens and sex tapers off. Women are so naive to think men aren't getting regular release somewhere if they aren't having actual sex.

2 options.
Give him ultimatum that you're leaving if he doesn't own up and take action to break the addiction, councilling, whatever needs doing to stop using porn. It's not as easy as said and you have to be able to trust him that's he's doing what he's telling you.

Or leave.

Continuing as is will wreak your self esteem as he's putting you second best to porn stars on a daily basis.

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:02

Oh wake up. You're 22 not some love struck teenager. You're not compatible. You want more frequent and more varied sex and he doesn't. If he made you happy, why have you repeatedly raised this with him AND told him you're prepared to leave him over it?

It's relevant now because you're about to separate. You've said to him "if nothing changes we will have to separate" and as you've already tried to engage with him on this several times and he hasn't changed, clearly he isn't going to change. Therefore you are about to separate.

Which means you'll be living on your own, raising two children and trying to juggle two co-parenting schedules.

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:02

Which means you'll be living on your own, raising two children and trying to juggle two co-parenting schedules.

Sadiesnakes · 18/02/2019 09:05

Actually I reread your last few posts. Get rid. You'd be really crazy not to, no way he's even half worth it.

Original poster

Misskpr · 18/02/2019 09:16

Is there any need to be arsey when responding to my post? I understand what ur saying but I’ve gave the ultimatum as we share finances a house and a baby girl together he also plays role in my daughters life as she’s with us 5 days and her biological dads 2 nights

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:20

Thing is OP, in your first posting you didn't ask anything. In your second posting you asked how to solve it. And that's the issue - YOU can't. HE can, but won't or doesn't want to. And sometimes people need some very blunt speaking to make them wake up and smell the coffee and confront posters with their own words.

You say you're compatible after you've proved you aren't.
You say you're happy after you've proved you're not.

How long have you actually lived together?

ImNotKitten · 18/02/2019 09:25

We must have sex once a month twice at a push and it’s quite depressing knowing my man prefers masturbating instead.

Yes, that is depressing and there’s nothing you can do to change it. He needs to lay off the porn but he doesn’t want to. Are you going to accept a practically sexless relationship in your early twenties?

Original poster

Misskpr · 18/02/2019 09:31

Around 6 months properly moved in.
I am happy he provides for us and he will do things for us and my daughter too
He makes me laugh everyday I feel comfortable around him except the sex I’ve never been in a proper relationship before let alone lived with a partner it’s new to me I’ve gained weight since having my baby not a lot but i notice and I don’t feel sexy enough to initiate sex as he relies on porn it dosnt really help my self esteem but we have been through a lot in our relationship we are going through court proceedings as family members are trying to gain rights but we have reasons not to allow them it’s been a very stressful journey to say the least and he says these contribute as we have never had a good chance in our relationship to enjoy each other because of other issues and obviously I fell pregnant pretty soon. I have read posts of men using porn to masturbate simply to relieve stress as such

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:37

And how old is your daughter?

Missunot · 18/02/2019 09:38

My daughter from previous relationship is 5 and my baby is 7 months

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 09:41

You appear to have name changed on your own thread.

So at the age of 20 or 21 you moved your young daughter in with a bloke in his early 30s you'd only known for six months?

You must know that's far, far too soon.

Missunot · 18/02/2019 09:48

He had already met my daughter through her fathers family which we didn’t know untill later on and no we had been together for over a year before he fully moved in we have been together 2 years he’s only lived with us 6 months

Singlenotsingle · 18/02/2019 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Missunot · 18/02/2019 10:16

Pretty judgemental don’t u think. How often do u have sex in ur relationship per month?

ShatnersWig · 18/02/2019 10:20

Sorry, I misread that to mean you moved in together AFTER six months. You'd been together over a year at least before moving in.

Still, it's clear that this relationship is going nowhere. Getting pregnant with someone else so soon, especially if you have other issues that you mention regardless of the lack of sex, was not a good decision. But that's all too late.

My previous advice stands on future relationships though.

Missunot · 18/02/2019 10:26

How is it getting pregnant with someone else so soon when my daughter will be 6 this year I came of my contraception around the time we separated for a few weeks to regulate my hormones as I was having bad break outs and irregular cycles and I knew I wasn’t going to have unprotected sex with anyone we then got back together after 2-3 weeks and I wasn’t fully covered unfortunately but it’s irrelevent my children are looked after regardless if I had 20 kids to 20 men that is not my intention either I’m happy with my girls now and I would be satisfied if I never had more children too that’s my views for now anyway. But I’m just asking really is if 3 times a month normal that’s average sometimes differs.

Sadiesnakes · 18/02/2019 11:10

Op, ignore all the judgemental pp on today, I'm not sure why they think your family set up is any of their business, and certainly not relevant to the question asked in op.

The answer plain and simple is if you want to play 2nds to porn for the rest of your life, then stay. It's highly unlikely he'll change and it's souls destroying having to live with someone so heavily invested in porn.

You are only 22, so so young. Chalk this up to experience, raise your bar, and move on. You'll be much happier in the long run.

MiniTheMinx · 18/02/2019 12:22

Picking up on three things you've said here.
1)sex is infrequent and always in the same position
2)when you separated for a short while he had sex with 2 other women
3)he prefers wanking to porn than sex with you

Ok, so I'd be thinking here is a man who does have a sex drive, is not completely inexperienced, but has no imagination. He doesn't change things up or experiment. He needs to watch porn because he has no imagination. And his preference is for.......change, novelty. But his need for novelty combined with his lack of imagination leads him to tire of one woman, novelty for him is about different women.

This points to several things, a lack of emotional maturity, lack of empathy and emotional connection towards the person he has sex with, an inability to see sex within a long standing relationship as a means to show love and receive love.

I'm inclined to think that he needs therapy, but not to exclusively deal with porn addiction. But then I'm also inclined to think that life is too short to have crap sex with a man who isn't even in touch with himself.......let alone trying to find ways of pleasing me.

It's interesting how many ways an avoidant personality can find to prevent anyone ever getting too close to them. And the psychology of someone whose desire for novelty only exists in having sex with people they have no emotional connection with, suggests that in some cases this is also about his relationship with his mother.

So, what is his relationship history?

NameChangeNugget · 18/02/2019 12:47

I think you need to give him an ultimatum but, fear you’re not going to get the answer you want

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