Hey everyone, I am new to this so forgive me if this has been covered and I will try not to waffle. I really need some advice and perspective.
My partner R and I have been together for four years and have a two year old son. My partner displayed signs of a temper before I got pregnant but never aimed at me. Naively I thought I could handle it. When I discovered I was pregnant everything changed. Although he has never been physically abusive, during my pregnancy if he got angry it would involve him clenching his fists, name calling, yelling, gritting his teeth and other crazy out of control behaviour. This has continued up to now although the name calling has stopped because I told him I wouldn't stand for it and generally he tries to control himself but still explodes occasionally. As a result for the last two years (age of my son C), I have been walking on eggshells. I worry constantly that if the house isn't tidy when he gets home from work that he'll moan.. he moans at me a lot. I left a bucket outside the house in the back garden after I had mopped the floor and it was a problem. Yesterday while sorting through C's old toys he got angry because C has too many toys and he felt overwhelmed. I suggested that I sorted it out and he starts shouting that I won't do it properly, all in front of C I might add. So you get the idea.
Here's the issue, I am an hour away from my family and don't have many friends in the area, certainly none I could confide in. R is a master of putting on a public show of how wonderful things are between us so I don't think they'd believe me. We rent our house, I work part time in the evenings so R has C while I am at work but I couldn't afford to live here without R's money. If I go to stay with my dad and step mum it's going to be really hard on them, my dad's recently had a heart attack and I fear I will add to the stress. Leaving will mean that I will immediately have to leave my job and have no income to support myself or C. R will be difficult about me leaving, it will all be my fault and my decision because he has all but vocalised this will be the case. He keeps telling me if I am not happy then to do something about it, he can't be happy either but tells me he loves me (which I don't believe). I am with him for financial security for our boy but honestly I don't know how this will end. I don't love him, I do care about him and I know he loves C so on top of not knowing what the hell to do, feeling totally scared and overwhelmed about the next step, I also have guilt about splitting us up weighing heavily on my mind. Do I walk away from everything or do I stick it out for the sake of my son? How do I go about sorting housing nearer to my family? Income until I can sort another job? Am I being selfish? How the hell do I stay strong throughout this? I don't know how R and I will communicate... I am so overwhelmed.