I've been ghosted and I cannot stop thinking about it, it's so painful

[1StepBeyond]

not in the traditional sense that he's totally disappeared - he's not deleted or blocked me but he's completely stopped talking to me and moved our last date 3 times then cancelled. We have now not seen each other for a month having lived in each other's pockets before.

I've known him for almost 9 months. He has a key to my house (I will change the locks), I had registered his car for our residents parking scheme. We had plans to move in together - I had cleared all my wardrobes out so there was space for him. We had been on holiday together.

He had a few major things happen to him in life and he changed. He didn't want to lean on me, wouldn't let me in close despite us being so close before. I thought he might be seeing someone else but I have no idea, have no proof, though I suspect he might be going back to his ex. Last week he apologised for the way he had been and said it was stress and I forgave him but now he has completely cut contact. That's the last I heard from him and I now think that was his way of saying goodbye.

I will move on and I will get over this but because there has been no 'closure' I find it so incredibly painful - I would rather he just said 'I've found someone else, sorry' because I sit here torturing myself thinking maybe he hasn't and he just needs some space but I wouldn't know as he isn't talking to me!

I really need to get it out of my head but it is so hard. If you have any tips, I'd love to hear them!

What a coward. Thank goodness you found that out now.

I think it's clear it's over and you should block him on everything and try to move on.

It's hard without closure, but really you know what's happened : he doesn't feel the same way any more and can't bring himself to have that honest conversation.

If I had to guess, I'd say he's found someone else. He kept you dangling while he made his choice.

I know many on here will disagree, but you could always send one last message, something like what you've put here, very brief but letting him know how unnecessary and hurtful his behaviour has been, then block. If he's halfway decent it might make him think twice about how he conducts his next breakup.

thanks cloudy. I've told people in real life but I don't think they realise how painful it is. I think I need to keep that phrase of yours in my head - no matter what is happening, and I may never know, he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him :(.

I just don't understand how people can be so cruel.

I don't want to send a message like that because I knew he had a major event last week so wished him luck with that (this was just after he apologised) and he didn't respond and now I think I have to try and hold on to what dignity I have left and try and walk away...

I’ve sent a final message before and it was good for closure. It was something like ‘I guess your silence means we’re over. Best of luck with the future and let’s not be in touch again’ or something similar. It was good because at the moment I pressed send I stopped waiting for a message that would never come and also closed the door to him walking back later pretending nothing was wrong

I would also send one last message. Telling him that his behaviour has been inexcusable and that it’s better you found out about his character sooner rather later. Let him know that if he feels the urge to contact you in the future, not to bother because you deserve and will do better.

You have closure (there’s something very clear about ghosting), you just won’t accept it.

Same thing happened to me. He kept me 'on the hook' for ages and it was torture. I started to act really stupidly.

He won't let you go easily, unfortunately you have to make the break and mean it for your own mental health-as hard as it is. I've read a book 'He's not that into you' which really made me realize what I want in a relationship and now I'm with a wonderful man, one daughter and another on the way . If I hadn't been with that arse I wouldn't feel as grateful as I do now. There's better things out there if you want them :) Take care!

thanks all

yes eslteacher I think he's had me on the hook since the beginning of the year - I only recognise it now :(

your messages are really helping - I'm changing the way I'm thinking as for some stupid reason I had been feeling sorry for him, convincing myself he must be in a terrible place but now I am realising he's just not that into me, he didn't feel the same way and he's a coward. It really does help.

I'm late 40s, you'd think people would have learned how to behave by now!

I agree with pp that sending one last message saying YOU'RE ending things will be the best option for you. You will then have your own closure, and will feel you have taken back control.

He may have someone else, and not have told you it's over to keep you on the back burner as option B - and you deserve far more than that.

thanks, I will think about it. At the moment I feel raw and not able to message him. I've wiped the WhatsApp so I can't go back and re read messages and see things that aren't there. I may not be able to send that message for a few days but if I'm not blocked after that, I will think about it.

It was only actually reading this thread that has made me wake up and smell the roses. My real life friends had been too kind (which is lovely) but they had been sympathetic rather than pointing out the obvious truth which is that he just didn't love me even though he said he did (or just didn't feel the same way). It's so easy to come up with excuses for his behaviour but actually, there are no excuses and I am realising that now.

I agree with the others to send one last message letting him know you've taken control and won't put up with crap like that

Personally, I wouldn't contact him cause it could be misinterpreted. He could also try to drag you back in. Maybe write something for yourself but don't send it?

I'm sure he cares about you on some level- just not enough. A guy who is really into you will move heaven and earth to spend time with you (my husband's dad died 3 weeks into going out with him). And even if he says 'im going through a tough time' again in a few days, it's still a red flag as it shows you a snippet of what it will be like in the future. This time should be your honeymoon phase... it's the best you're gonna get and sets you up for the future ups and downs.

Doesn't matter how old you are to get messed about :)

Oh your last comment I could have written myself!
I had my relationship end (I can only assume by an argument) that my ex would not discuss or even give a goodbye for.
I gave up hoping he would want to talk, and I have managed 3 months NC.
Similarly, my friends have been quite kind and have fed me hope that he will eventually talk.
It wasn't until being in a 'NC thread' on here, that I realised what he had done was indeed cowardly and spineless.
It doesn't sound like your relationship came to such a bad end, which I actually think makes his actions more spineless/cowardly!
What I realised recently, was that I had done all I could. The ball isn't in my court, it's in his.
The 'ghosting' could actually be a blessing in disguise - it allows space and time to reflect on the end of the relationship.
I know it's painful, and when you're ready, I think as other PP's have suggested; send that last message.
I did, although granted it wasn't in such a 'final tone' as suggested here.
It will get better, in time you will find your own closure.
I came to realise that my ex didn't care to consider my feelings, even if the truth would hurt. I can now only assume he felt the end justified the means, to be rid of me.
Hopefully you will come to your own conclusions/closure soon.
Giving you a handhold x

I would send one last text saying

"Please return my front door key by 6 pm tonight, and any other belongings of mine and I will have all yours ready for you collect at the same time."

Still change your locks tomorrow, and keep your key in the lock so he can not just come in.

thank you, I cannot tell you how much it helps reading all your stories

I have been wracked with guilt as he didn't speak to me for a few days (said I didn't deserve him) and I switched back on online dating to distract myself from going mad (at this point, we hadn't seen each other for a month) and then I tortured myself that he had seen me online and that's why he finally stopped talking to me. For some reason I was doing anything to blame myself.

I realise esl that rather than lean on me through his traumatic time, he just pulled further away and you're right about a good relationship lasting through anything.

mjvb you are entirely right - I realise now he never cared about my feelings. I was running around worrying about his all the time. Your post rings so true to me and well done for doing 3 months NC. I hope you're able to move forwards!

@1StepBeyond Oh I know that feeling, I still do now! Still constantly worry about his feelings, his actions/choices since the end of our relationship.
But I realise that these things take time. Detachment is not as easy as it seems. But I can say I feel like I am getting somewhere now, starting to let go and get to the point where I can move on.
Luckily, I have had reassurance from a mutual friend that I have done all I can. And as I previously said; the ball is well and truly in his court.
It's very easy to only place blame on yourself, and wonder what more you could have done or could do, when you have been only greeted with silence.
Thank you, the NC has been hard at times. But I've come to realise that time and space, is something we have both needed. Who knows if I will ever see or hear from him again. I own my part in what went wrong, which helps to bring some peace and to try to forgive myself.
Please be kind to yourself, it is still early days and will feel pretty pants for a while to come.
I'm around if you would like someone for a bit of empathy and support

I'd send him nothing, he's not worth the bother. Seriously.

'He's not that into you' is a truly excellent book and there is s chapter dedicated to this.

Be aware that apparently some men don't end things definitively so they can reach out later (even months or years later) if their alternate plans don't work out. Utterly ridiculous because the length of time combined with the disrespect of ghosting make few women receptive, bug apparently some men think in a v basic way,bthstbif they do t close it down permanently and have the convo, they might pick it up again at another time if it suits them.

*but

It sounds like you're already wishing up to him and the relationship, which is fantastic; all you can do now is take your time recoverjng and moving on, whatever it takes to process it, distract yourself if useful, enjoy anything you can, maybe take up new hobbies.

*wising up

Sorry he has been such a shit to you

Please don’t torment yourself about anything you did or didn’t do. It says everything about him, and nothing about you. If he was not so spineless he could tell you he wasn’t happy, rather than being so rude to ghost you.

If nothing else it tells you he is a coward, poor communicator and able to be cruel to you. None of the traits you need or desire in a partner. You will meet someone new and be glad you dodged this bullet.

I would also send one last message. These men deserve to be shamed for their cowardly behaviour instead of slinking off. It will also give you back some control and assertiveness. Keep your message level headed and hopefully he’ll feel a smidgen of guilt and review how he ends things in future.

I'd send him nothing, he's not worth the bother. Seriously*

This entirely, he won’t give a toss anyway.

Good job you’ve discovered he’s such a prick before it got too serious.

Dust yourself down and have fun

Thanks so much I can't tell you how these posts have helped me today. I was in tears this morning but I feel much stronger this afternoon.

The refusal to see me whilst still sending me WhatsApp messages has been so hard with no indication of what was wrong, just promising a new date to meet up, then waiting till the day and cancelling and setting up a new date rather than just having the balls to say it wasn't working.

I'm not going to send him a message. I don't think he deserves it and it will make him feel I have suffered. I'm not going to say anything but now hold my head up high and be cheery and go out there and enjoy myself. I'm sure I will have moments of sadness and tears but I have to forget him and move on as it's clear he was just not that into me!

I would cut all contact and jump straight on POF and wait for the messages to roll in from all those male models with millionaire parents on the lookout for a single mum admin clerk. Hugs hun x