How not to be single?

[Imalloutofoptions]

Hi everyone, hoping for some advice.
About 5 years ago, I married a very abusive man. The marriage lasted less than 18 months but we together for 6-7 years in total. I was very lucky to get out alive and with my children (now 12 & 14). Since then, I’ve been so focused on creating a happy and safe life for the three of us and also my career which has really taken off in the last 3 years. I tried OLD and I’ve met someone I really like, he likes me too (yay). But I sometimes worry that I’m incapable of having a relationship. When my marriage ended, I did a lot of work and realised that if I do end up ‘alone’ or never have a relationship, I’m ok with it. I like myself, I’m happy with who I am. I think I’ve become a bit selfish and not really sure how to be someone’s girlfriend/ partner because being single is so ingrained in who I am. Not sure if it’s relevant but he’s also my age, I’ve never been with someone my own age. I had children very young and am quite young to have been married and divorced. Does anyone else ever feel like being single is part of their personality?

It sounds like, rather than being incapable of having a relationship, you’re in an ideal place to begin a new relationship (which it sounds as though you do actually want) and move it forward at your own pace and on your own terms: you don’t feel like you need a relationship or have a desperate desire to be loved and wanted. These are all really good things and mean you’re much more likely to end up in a stable, healthy relationship which you actually find as good as it preferable to being single. A decent man will respect that you have boundaries and principles and you won’t need to work out “how to be in a relationship” with him - it will progress naturally. Just take it as it comes, enjoy it, and don’t worry about or let yourself be pressured into what other people think a relationship should look like or the speed it should progress at.

That said, it isn’t obligatory to be in or want to be in a relationship, and if you think you’d prefer not to be then maybe that’s worth exploring. I wouldn’t say that “being single” is part of my personality per se, but significant elements of my personality correspond best with being single (or at least not life-partnered) and are the reason I prefer to be in casual non-monogamous relationships which don’t involve conventional commitment or living together and so on. I’m very fond of my own space and I like the freedom to do what I want when I want and with whom I want without being answerable to anyone. I can’t live with a partner and I don’t like to compromise on my life. I like things my way. Sexually, I have a wandering eye. I think I’m fortunate in that I worked all this out about myself fairly early on and have never felt conflicted about it (and also have a big group of friends and acquaintances who operate in much the same way, so have never felt weird or judged.)

Op, I felt much the same. But my experience of men has been poor and I don’t want anyone coming into my life and disrupting the happiness I’ve achieved over the last couple of years.
But you’ve managed to find someone decent so just relax and see how it goes. You aren’t getting married. If it doesn’t work out, you have the strength to walk away.

It's interesting that your thread title is "How not to be single" rather than "I am happily single".